Make a blog.

I think this blog is the healthiest coping mechanism I've ever had. Maybe I'm growing up or something.

Well, some of you already know, another one of my Bride's maids has quit my party, Yes, that's two now. Three if you count the mate who said she would be a bridesmaid but then didn't realise she was one. I was pretty devo. Now, this mate, it was a bit up in the air for a long time if she would come at all. Her work ethic is shit, and she couldn't save to save her life. But, she was determined. One of Obi's groomsmen is her SO.

We couldn't afford to buy her flight outright for her, and might not have even if we could because she really does need to learn how to manage her money, and at the time she wasn't working, living off Obi's mate, because she simply did not feel like working (She would pretend to job hunt to keep him happy, but he saw through it eventually). I can't give a gift that big to a person who's happy to drive her SO into poverty out of laziness.
Anyway, they moved to her home province, and she got a job (she's actually their breadwinner right now, and I'm proud of her). She seemed to be turing things around. Before I left Canada I sent her every tip I'd made at work for a year, plus $50 for her birthday. The tip money was intended to help cover her dress costs. (And then some. Housekeepers don't earn a lot of tips, but everything builds up over time.)

So, she struggled to pay the flight and eventually (against mine and everyone elses advice) took out a loan to make the holiday happen. Then booked tickets, bought the dress, got a passport.
In turn I bought her necklace for the day, her "boquet" and her BM gift - a tour for two around sydney harbour, including a stop at a historic site, and a cruise with lunch.

Obi also paid for her partner's flights, to make sure the financial burden on them as a couple was less (because they have joint finances).

When we discovered we wouldn't be on our feet, Obi found them accomodation, and we let them know we would pay it for them, in full. All they needed to do was pay their own food while over here (and the place has a kitchen, so they don't even have to eat out if they don't want to) and save up enough money to cover their stupidly-cheap Canadian rent to compensate for not working for two weeks.

But no. They couldn't manage that. Not even with a year's notice. I look back on every time through the past six months that she's gotten her nails done, gone to the hairdresser, gone out for meals or drinks, bought new clothes, that time she bought three pairs of new shoes that she didn't need because it felt good to buy them and gotten a puppy they knew they couldn't really afford... and it's a slap in the face.

I know it's a lot to ask of someone to fly to your country for a wedding. I'm doing it in October for my sister in law. But I did everything I could to make it easier. I'm getting married in one month. Who does that a month before?!
I don't even know if she can get a refund on her tickets. I don't think she can. From what I understand travel insurance only helps you if you're hit by a bus or eaten by a croc or something. Not "Oh I can't manage my budget can I have that money back?".
I don't know.

I don't know if I want to ask someone else to stand for me. There's no time for that person to get a dress, or anything, and I never want people to feel like they're a back up, or not good enough to be asked on the first round or any of that. One thing I have learnt that the movies lie about though, is that most people are not keen to be bridesmaids. It's not all fun and coctails.

What I do know is that to three of my closest friends I'm not worth it. People I would (and have in the past) done basically anything for... and I'm not good enough for them to want to do this for me. What's wrong with me?

I don't know anything anymore.