I don't know why I'm writing. Fun fact - I type up twice as many blogs as I actually post, but I often get bored half way through, or don't like what I wrote and delete them.

I hate conflict. I feel so shakey after that phone call (I had to phone a different store of my supermarket chain because they took my staff discount from my sister, I had to let them know I will come get it, but I lost my temper while doing so.) I feel sick. Why did I do that? What if this gets back to my store? What if it costs me my job? Fuck. Why did I do that?!
I could blame PMS, but yeah.

I'm frusterated in general. I should go to the gym and work it off, but my belly hurts, and I just feel blah. I know the depression is there trying to get back in again, it's been a rough week. Actually, the fear of leaving the house has been getting progressivly worse for about three weeks. I know I need to do something, but the will power isn't there.

Shit shit. I love my job. Please Gods let this woman be too busy today to cause trouble for me. Please....

I work tonight, so I guess I'll know then, if not earlier.

What am I going to do with myself? I need to turn this day around. Thinking of work Obi still hasn't signed a contract BUT his supervisor told him not to start looking for work. That means they are keeping him on right? Please?

Calm. Deep. Blue. Oceans. I need to calm the hell down. I'm sending myself crazy. Every noise I hear out the front I think someone's going to knock on the door. I couldn't handle that right now. I'm just sitting here terrified. I need to get a grip. Turn on some lights, maybe some music. Do some housework. Leave the house. I know I'm the only one who can stop this feeling, but the premenstral hormones make it so much harder.

I miss Obi too. He worked on my house in the country with my family all weekend, while I was here in the city alone, because I had to work. Now he's at work, and we wont see each other til 9:30pm because I work closing tonight. And it's not even bad you know. Like, I've read through blogs from when I was in Canada, and he wouldn't come home til 8 or later and I was so alone and felt like we had no time together. But I don't mind being the one at work that late, or later. But then, I don't commute either. And I don't do it every day. But yeah, it's good. Positive.

I'm ok, I think I'm ok now. I'm going to go and eat something. And I will accept all that is - my mistakes, my fears, my feelings - and I will let them go.