I'm feeling a little disheartened right now and I really don't know why. Maybe it's because I have not had breakfast. Or because I seriously need to brush my teeth. Or because my kitchen is trashed and even though battlenet was down last night, Obi didn't do a damn thing about it (I've injured my hand, and don't want it to get infected which is why I havn't) and in his defense, he spent that time cuddled with me and reading to me, which was lovely. I dont know. I'll get some food and come back. Lets see how that goes.

Ok the cerial was remarkably good, that's something. Now, it could also be the headaches bringing me down. It's constant. At first I thought it was from eye strain, because my new computer's monitors are huge and I'm just not use do them. But the last two days I've stayed away from my desktop pc and I've still gotten this massive pain in my frontal lobe. Sometimes I take the panadol, sometimes I nap and other times I just try to ignore it, because I don't want to be taking the pills constantly - and I know if I do I'll end up with rebound headaches and that wont make my life any better. I read somewhere that the amoubt of blood in my body has doubled because I'm pregnant and the pressure of that blood in the tiny veins in my brain is what's causing these headaches. I don't know how true it is. Hopefully this stage passes soon.

But, anyway there's no reason for me to be feeling down.
The new supervisor at work who took an instant dislike to me, seems to be warming up to me now. Yesterday I got my passport photos and changed my medicare - two important things I should have taken care of ages ago. Work has been steady, and while people are still arseholes, the nice customers make up for them. Obi also put word on my pc so I can (and should be) making up a synopsis and print out some sample chapters for an agent.

But all I want to do is go back to bed. I'm not sick anymore and I'm eating well, why is my body still letting me down? I haven't been to the gym in over two weeks either. Must find motivation!! I hate not being useful.

I still haven't stepped on a scale but I feel like I'm putting on weight which is good. I lost a bit in early pregnancy because I wasn't up to eating much. I don't like feeling this heavy though. It's really gross. I feel unattractive because I don't actually look pregnant yet, I just look tubby I'm determined to look after myself though, not just for the baby but because I want my body to be upto breeding again as soon as possible. I'm excited about the baby... I've got like 6 long weeks and then we can have our 20 week ultrasound I want her/him here already. I want to know she's ok and that I'm not messing this up. I want to meet him/her/it. I don't know why I'm so eager. I know that until the kids are of school age I'll likely want to hurl myself off a bridge more often than not. Kids are hard work. It's weird you know, because I already have a deep abiding love for my spawlings, but I don't actually feel any kind of connection with my fetus. Most of the time I could forget it's even in there (except I don't lol). Some women read to their bump or whatever, and they get really upset about things like abortion and issues like that... but I seem to have not changed. I'm still me. I'm still sarcastic. I still joke about drowning the baby in a bucket if it annoys me (I never ever would, don't go calling DOCs.) I feel ok though, my good friend told me that she didn't at all feel a connection to her little girl until she was about six months old and started showing a personality.

The moral of this ramble is, hormones are confusing. Haha.

Thinking of children, I had a very odd request for Obi this year for my birthday, something I've wanted in forever. I felt dumb as hell asking though, and I made him promise not to laugh at me! I asked him if I could trade in my right to a birthday gift and instead have him allow me to sponsor a child. (Allow is a term we're using loosely. We always discuss big perchases and I do give him a measure of power over me as his income is far greater but I don't exactly ask permission or ask for money like a child to a parent. It's different.) Anyway, he didn't laugh. He seemsed a bit disapointed because it would scrap whatever his other plan was, but come Sunday sure enough he gave me the gift I wanted. It was freaking expensive too you know, seeming we paid the full year upfront, I've never asked for something so expensive in all my life. I was very touched.

So we sponsored through the Smith Family, an Australian charity that aids disadvantaged children get through school. Now, our public schools are free to an extent, but you still must buy your uniform, bag, books, pay for excersions. Poor kids get left out and taunted a lot. I know, I was one. And because it's so hard to break the cycle of poverty, those kids do badly in school, drop out young, get crap jobs with low wages and then breed up a strom so the cycle continues. I've always been taught to tackle problems at home first - think globally, act locally - Though at some point I'd also like to sponsor a child through plan ( I like Plan because they don't do as much advertising, and they don't shove their religion down the kid's throat. I don't want to be responsible for obliterating a culture with a religion I myself don't even follow.) as well, I know $30 Aussie dollars in an undeveloped country is a lot of money. But right now we don't have the means.

Anyway, so they said it would take up to six weeks to asign me a child and get the info pack out to me. I can't wait. It'll be good to have a pen pal again and to know I'm making a difference. If I can afford to bring a new child into the world, I should be able to help one already here, right? I've wanted this for many years.

I think the food helped. I should get dressed now though. And then what? Then I should go to the bloody gym, because otherwise I may as well have taken my wallet and set it on fire >.> We'll see. Might look up baby names first. Yes. Great idea Miriam.

Until next time,
Peace, Love & Carrots xx