I know that to get through life, often we need to be our own best friend. We need to be able to talk ourselves back up. We need to make the right decisions, we need to support ourselves. Sometimes it needs to be enough to look in the mirror and say "Well my mum still thinks I'm cool!" We need to be able to be nice to ourselves. It helps to be able to like yourself.

Most days, I got that shit. But days like today? Mmm not so much.

Yesterday I got sick at work. If you can even call it sick.... I was just standing there at my register doing nothing because the opening shift often involves a bit of doing nothing... and I had this sudden urge to sit down. I felt, almost dizzy. But, not in a the-world-is-spinning kind of way. So I sat on the floor for a 30 second break. I knew I couldn't stay there though, knew if I was caught I'd be in trouble. I felt alright, and got back up. Standing wasn't my friend. I tried to just lean heavily on the register, but it was no good. My vision started to swim. I sat my arse back on the floor, not entirely out of choice. Sitting down I was mostly fine, like nothing was wrong, especially if I covered my eyes. Again I dragged myself up, super slowly so as to avoid getting dizzy. (I'm dizzy quite a lot at the moment but not like this). It was no good. My vision was getting worse and my legs were going. I knew I was not ok. I knew if a customer came to me then I would be unable to do my job. I had to get help.
Luckily one of my favourite supervisors was on. She always cares more about the person than about the job (which isn't always good, but that's another story).

By the time I walked the five metres to where she stood, I'd lost my vision, I was sure at that point I would pass out. My sight was filled with a million bright pinpoints of colour - like when you hold a crystal in the sunlight... 1000 tiny crystals in the sunlight. So many that I couldn't see through it. It was terrifying.
After a bit of a struggle, this beautiful tiny woman got me to the lunch room, having aquired a bottle of water, box of oreos and a banana on the way and in time I felt better, though not great.

But it was scary. I can only assume it has something to do with my blood pressure/blood sugar. Often if I need to eat I get a similar feeling, acompanied by a darkening of my vision and a bad temper haha. This wasn't the same, and I had eaten, but yeah. I'm due to see the doctor soon. If I get one that understands English (I'm not trying to be racist, I have no problem with forign workers at all!) I'll ask them about it when I go to get the reference for my next scan.

I feel a bit pathetic really. I'm angry and disapointed in myself. I don't like myself at all. I thought I would be better at this stuff... at being a housewife (I've always struggled, and I've gotten less lazy but I'm no good.) and at being pregnant. I thought it would be a deal easier (and I'm having a good non-complicated pregnancy, so I can only imagine how crap this is for other women!). My house is a mess and I don't even feel the urge to fix that (I've done a little today though).
I'm lonely, but I don't want to see people.

And I'm very bloody worried about my job! I was only rostered for 9 hours this week. And next week, only 5. Five hours. What the fuck am I going to do with only five hours? I know I need to talk to the supervisor and ask for more hours but 1) she makes it clear she doesn't like me and 2) I've been letting my work down too often lately. 3) I'm scared of biting off more than I can chew. I was struggling with my 25-30 hour weeks. But I don't want to lose this job. I need to keep it, more for my sanity than the money, but the money helps too. And Obi's job has never been stable. I need to hold a job, even a little one, so if he gets laid off I can say "I need lots of hours this month, please help us out".

I don't intend to leave my job after the baby comes either. I know that frusterates some of my work mates.. Especially this one I'm close to, who took 12 years off when she had her kids and thinks I should be doing the same/ not working now. Her heart's in the right place, but I'll go batshitcrazy if I'm not working. One of the key things to beating my social anxiety is working. If I don't have a job that forces me out of the house, I go a bit strange, and lose my ability to go out. I'm terrified that'll happen to me again and my only company will be a newborn baby. No thank you.

I dunno, I'd just like my body to get behind me on this one! Haha. I'd like to be one of those women who seem to be happily doing it all and not running out of energy. Or at least be like my sister - who still functions and gets stuff done even after she has no energy. >.> Oh, and it would be nice to feel this baby start to move too. That would help so much I think. I often worry that I've accidently killed it and I just don't know about it yet. And it would give me a little reward, a little inspiration.

Well, that was all very depressing wasn't it? Sorry about that folks. :/