But days like today make me realise exactly how unrealistic my plans are sometimes. I've already decided that after the baby is born, I want to go back to work as soon as I'm able. Of course, I will take less than half the hours I have now, because I'll only be able to work evenings and weekends (and for me to work evenings, Obi has to get his arse to work an hour earlier than he does now. And he's frequently late as it is (he more or less chooses his hours, but must work 8 hours a day, and has a hour commute each way). I know the tiredness I feel now will be multiplied by 10 when the baby comes, yet in addition to having said baby and working 10 or so hours a week I also would like to fall pregnant again within the year. Hmm something wrong with this plan Huston.
One pill down.
I'm sorry also for alarming people with my last blog. I will try to cover it here, diplomatically and briefly. I have a friend who had a late-term still birth five months ago. Most of all I want to know how to help and support her (from a distance coz she lives up north) but to do that I need to understand why she's upset.
There, I said it. Despite having my own little fetus of joy sloshing around inside me, I simply can't fathom her grief. Yes, if I lost my baby I'd be upset. I'd have some self-esteem issues for a while. I'd be disappointed. I get that. But to be grieving five months later I simply can not understand.
Maybe I'm desensitized from the amount of death I've seen. Maybe I'm just not bonding with my fetus the way normal women do and there's something wrong with me?
But.. I don't understand how you can grieve for a person that didn't have a personality yet... someone that wasn't here yet. That died before you could hold them. How can you love someone so deeply that their loss destroys your life like it has hers when you didn't yet know that person?
And that sounds horrible to say which is why I deleted my other blog. I don't mean to be a bad person... And I don't want to upset anyone here. My wish to understand is genuine.
The most important part of that is: She and her other angel mummy friends often post about that friends and family should still bring up their babies in conversation... But how the feck are we supposed to? I can't very well ask about his life, his development. There are no new photos to exclaim over. No funny stories. Or poo stories. And if I were to ask if they are planning to give this angel baby some earth brothers or sisters soon, that could be taken the wrong way as well. Despite not understanding why she isn't over it, I don't want to give the impression I'm saying she should get over it. You know?
So yeah, there's the basis of it. I think I managed to sound less like a prick this time, but only time will tell.
My baby seems to be up very high. I can't breathe properly. The plus side to this is it encourages good posture. And people who spend too much time at a computer like me, need all the encouragement in the world.
Tea is starting to kick in. It's bizzare feeling the effects of it so strongly. I don't know if that's because I don't have as much caffine now, or if I'm more in tune with my body because I'm pregnant but I can feel exactly when it starts working. Unfortunatly, it doesn't stay working far long enough. But at least I'll manage a few loads of dishes and maybe to start dinner before Obi comes home... if I'm supposed to start dinner, if he's not working late.
He worked late last night to compensate for going in late this morning, but he never txted and let me know if he got everything done on time. I imagine he was pretty busy all day. He's been trying to get his blasted fingerprints taken for nearly a week so that he can ship them off to Canada to get his background check (fun fact, if you're a Canuck abroad, you can't get a criminal record check unless you send them your fingerprints first.) It'll also take roughly a month to process + post time before they are here. So I'll be bloody surprised if they show up before we lodge. Luckily, we can probably send them in after and not suffer any adverse affects.
I need to write a checklist for myself to see what I need to do still for this visa. The stress is very real now.
I love my country. I understand my country needing to protect itself. But the visa process seems so excessive. I'd even be willing to pay more if they could just remember everything we'd already provided instead of making us do the exact same crap all over again. I need to remind myself that others have it much worse, like LD gays in non-progressive countries, and just get it done
Some time soon I will feel the need to ramble to you about going out to Obi's red carpet work events. But right now, yeah, should get off my arse.
Carrots xx
And maybe having that first lovely screaming child will make you think twice about getting pregnant again right away. My mom got pregnant with me when my sister was 1 year old and she told me she cried because she was already sooo tired and couldn't imagine having another one. (luckily I was a sleeper!) Best wishes!!
I didn't realise she was still that angry! Probably best not to put yourself in that position then.
I'm getting there though.