I feel super mega guilty. Work just called me and asked me to fill a shift tonight and I said no, and I don't really have a reason other than I wanted to wash my uniform today and I just don't feel like going in. How freaking slack is that? It's only one more week Miriam, no need to be a lazy bitch.

Right well I'm going to put that load of washing on right now. Not that it will make me feel less guilty but I should have done it, oh, four hours ago...

There, I can say I've made a start now.

Thinking of work.... so many customers have come through and told me I'd undoubtedly having a boy because of the shape of my belly, that I'm actually starting to believe them. Even though the likely hood of there being any truth in those old wives tales is pretty slim.

This weekend was all kinds of crap. And it was mostly my fault. Saturday was alright, except I worked the arvo, so we couldn't get out of the house and do anything. So we just hung out, played WoW, and ordered in Chinese. I guess it was relaxing though. Problems started after we went to bed. I had mad period-like pain all night, lots of that weird tight feeling, and of course that was making me feel like I wanted to puke. I know I must have slept, but because the pain woke me up every time it happened, I felt like I didn't sleep, like I just laid there in agony the whole night. Honestly, it was pretty freaking scary. And because we'd gone to bed so late, I couldn't rouse Obi enough to get much support - even once it was technically morning.

Once we were up, it went downhill from there. The pain and contractions stopped for the most part (it's stupidly common to get this in the month before birth, but I guess knowing that doesn't make it easier the first time) but I could not get a grip on my emotions at all. And for some reason Obi was having a particularly bad day editing the random shit that comes out of his mouth. Like, we're not that nice to each other to begin with. I like a man who can hack on me, and whom I can tease in return. But, despite warning him I wasn't ok, he just kept pushing my buttons, or saying things that were quite horrible (even if probably well intended).

I couldn't stop crying randomly, either because he set me off or just because my body decided the world was ending right then. There were stupid fights - one of which he got upset at the end of because I threw something at him and, unlike me he's not from a violent background so that was a big deal. But I maintained he fucking deserved it. See, he's sitting in his pc chair facing me, and I'm half sitting on the arm of the lounge, because nothing is comfortable anymore... and then he blows his nose and drops the tissue on the floor beside his desk. The kitchen bin is ONE FOOT away from where he dropped it. I don't think he'd even need to get out of his chair to access said bin. Now, we have a house inspection on Wednesday so I have a lot of cleaning already... and I'd just finished telling him that when I was awake in pain during the night I was terrified that I'd go into labour while my house was in such a terrible state, so for my piece of mind I needed it clean STAT. Anyway, I gave him the you-did-not-just-do-that face and light-heartedly told him to pick it up. He's like "oh I'lll clean it up in a minute" and we joke back and forth a few times, a few minutes pass and he gets a new tissue, blows his nose and holds it in a way over the other one that says "dare me to?"

Half of me thinks it's funny. And half of me is quickly sliding into fucking furious. I know he's trying to get a rise out of me, but it's working. He drops it. I probably called him a rude name at this point (I don't remember, but I know me) and I hurled my journal at him with as much force as I could muster. The look on his face was priceless, right before he decided this wasn't funny anymore and suddenly I'm a bad person for reacting violently.
At least I didn't cry that time >.> and we talked it over and I apologized for being violent, while he denied that he was trying to get a reaction out of me.

And it was shit like that ALL DAY.

Of course, after he'd made me cry for the third time he started to clue into the idea that maybe I needed him to not be an arsehole today. So he made me a nice lunch, we did some more cleaning, and then played some games. I also scored a backrub in there. But one moment things were fine and the next they weren't and I know if I was normal me 3/4 of it wouldn't have happened. The evening ended well though, and that has to count for something. I feel guilty when his weekends are less than great because the boy does work so hard during the week. I try really hard to be a good wifey, even though it's not really in my nature!

I guess, the bright side of this is we are both more prepared now Today though I'm still feeling unloved and alone, for no reason at all. I should make time to meditate or something. I may be back later to ramble more because of said unloved and aloneness lol.