It's probably just the overcast sky and the lack of sleep. Seriously, every time the weather is bad, I feel bad. It's like I'm super in-tune with it. I can tell you what it's like outside before I get out of bed in the morning - and no, not by looking at the weather app on my phone.
I feel like we're going backwards on the baby sleep thing too. For a month or so she was sleeping through the night, every night. 6-7 hours sleep every night, 8 on a really lucky day. I could handle that. But the last, what, four nights now? She's waking up for night feeds again. Usually she wakes around ten-ten thirty, I feed her and put her down at midnight and then we're good til six am. But now? I have to wake her for the midnight feed even though she's going down earlier, and she's awake again three or four hours later for a massive feed... and after tat she's restless and wants to get up and I'm dead and want her to shut up
The obvious solution is probably if I go to bed earlier, say 9-10pm and let Obi give the midnight feed/change, and hope that at some point he becomes competent at doing these things without waking me. In the beginning he was doing night feeds or changes too, but he doesn't wake up when Isis does or if he does he waits until I get the shits and tell him "now is the time to deal with it" before he gets his arse out of bed. Of course, by the time he warms the bottle she's already screaming and I'm awake. Or he tends to ask me 100 dumb-arse questions that he already knows the answer to. And I figure if I'm going to be awake anyway, there's no point in us both suffering.
Except on the nights where I crack it, of course. But it seems like I only get help when I'm at my breaking point. The point where I want so badly to control the situation that I want to hurt myself. I usually say to him "Take her and shut her up or I'll hurt her" but I know I never would. What I'm more afraid of is hurting myself but I don't want to have this talk with him. I know there is the risk I will. I know I need to keep my sanity around me or I will break and I will find a blade. And then I'll feel like shit, I'll have more scars and he'll be even more of an arsehole to me because he gets angry when I backslide (which I have not done for ages, over a year!).
My jaw aches and I'm fighting back tears as I write this. Why can't he help me BEFORE I can't take it anymore. If he helped willingly, without me asking, a bit more often maybe I could spend more time just enjoying the experience. (And for the most part I am, but it's been a shit couple of days)
Like yesterday evening, she was terrible yesterday even before her shots and then after it? Dear lordy. I spent all afternoon holding her, soothing her back to sleep when the screaming came (often and with little warning). She wouldn't let me put her down, and today my arms, shoulders and back are paying for it. So when he got in I'm like "please take her" and he did for a bit, and she was a cherub which I think led him to believe it hadn't been half as bad as I said. So he put her in her rocker. I'm like "please don't do that, she doesn't want it" well, she was good for like, seven minutes and then started to fuss. I'm like "I can't handle any more, please do something before the crying starts". Does he pick her up? No. So she starts crying. He's like "I think she's hungry" I put down my dinner that I haven't gotten to touch yet and offer her the breast. She starts screeching and pushing me away. I start to lose it and what does he do? Sits there are watches. I'm like "what are you staring at me for? Help me!" He's like "I don't know what to do. What should I do?" God I don't know Obi, make her stop you moron!! So then I'm crying and saying "take her. Take her away before I hurt her. I don't care what you do just make it stop"
So he tries to hug me. No, you're not helping! MAKE IT STOP. Finally he clues into the fact I need him to go and be a father for ten fucking minutes and he takes the baby to the other room, swaddles her and *bing!* achievement earned. Baby is sleeping, house is quiet. Just like that. But I was already shattered, and it took me hours to wind down.
I will have to talk to him about this. I didn't realise how important it was to me until I started writing this out. We need a better plan.
Like, if he could take just one nappy - the first nappy of the day - my life would be 100 times better. It's usually around 6am, but could go any time between 4 and 7 (though 7 is really really pushing it). If she doesn't get this change, she'll sog through. Even if she's in a disposable, it doesn't hold out for the whole night. So, if she doesn't get that change, I need to wash the sheets. And she's usually in our bed by 5am, so it's our sheets. We have only one summer set. Incidentally, I'll be doing more washing today. I was simply too exhausted to do it this morning. I was barely conscious. Awake enough to not roll on her and kill her, not awake enough for much else. But when I ask him to take that change - even though it's rarely poo, it's just pee - he says "Can't you do it?" like I'm asking too much.
And yeah, I do feel bad. He's the breadwinner. I can nap during the day. I get nothing done and feel even worse, but I can do it if I want to. Therefore nights are my problem.
I can't stop crying.
and of course, she's feeding more often again (I assume a growth spurt is happening) which means my boobs are on super production mode. The books are all like "letdown feel like a tingling sensation for many women" to doesn't mention that for many other women it feels like being repeatedly stabbed in the chest. Generally I don't care. Pain isn't a problem. But when I'm at the end of the rope already like today, it's one thing too much.
Going back to my original point before I started bitching about my defenseless husband who deserves better; I could just start going to bed early, like 9-10 and then getting up at 4am wouldn't be a problem. Hell, that was my life when we were long distance. I like the mornings (when no one's bothering me anyway
). But If I did it, I'd never see him. We'd get 2-3 hours together after work (If he's home on time) and that would be it. I don't want to give up our time together - I don't want to have to think about that until it's time to go back to work.I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I don't know anything.
This blog didn't go at all where I thought it would. What I actually wanted to focus on was getting more out of my days, out of life. Maybe now this shit is out of my system I'll be able to focus better on that. But I think I'll eat first.
I need a friend today
You definitely need to tell Obi what you wrote here. I don't think he has a clue about how you're really feeling and thus doesn't barge in to help straight away like he could/should. If he knew what you told us I'm sure he'd make an effort, especially if he thinks you're at the verge of self-harming again. Which I think he should know of so that he could support you more and help you get through this.
I know the feeling of exhaustion and sadness as it hits me every other day these days. Stress isn't fun to live with
You seem stressed out, and although its expected with a baby- there is 2 of you. I took care of my nephews when they were babies so i know how u feel cuz i did it alone. You don't to do it alone. Also, just cuz he works doesn't mean he gets out of fatherly duties- moms clean,cook,take care of the baby and all the other jazz- JUST cuz your not at a paying job doesn't mean you don't work!! so don't think like that. just sit down with D and talk to him... things will get better my friend!!