I've always been a bit of a wallflower. I'm boring. Plain Jane, always have been. Weirdly, before I changed my name, my middle name was Jane. It suited me. Who I was, but not who I want to be.

I have lived my life in fear. Having always been a bit different, more than a little weird, and somewhat disadvantaged as a child. We were dirt poor, and for some reason we never realised we went to school stinking like cigarette smoke and the many pets that lived in our house... No one ever pointed out that maybe this was a factor in exactly how much shit I copped going through school. I had a lisp when I was younger, and back in the day I was so smart... yet every time I spoke, I was mocked. I "talked funny" because I used longer descriptive words, didn't shorten every damn thing and stick an O on the end like most Aussies. So I learnt not to contribute. And to dumb myself down during conversation. Now I think I might just be as stupid as the act I put on. Because it's better to be the funny ditzy girl than the smart stuck-up girl.

For years now I've battled a social anxiety disorder. There was a time I'd call my friends and spend hours on the phone, now I can't fathom how I did that. The thought of having to phone and make appointments or call in sick to work fills me with terror. I struggle with small talk. I'm always happy to answer other people's questions, but most of the time I'm too scared to ask things in return, I don't want to offend people... so they think I'm not interested. For the longest time, the only time people spoke to me was when they had a problem. I guess the inability to speak makes a person into a good listener?

I struggled with my weight and fitness, the only one in my family who ever had to worry. I'd exercise in the back yard as a kid, but was teased rather than encouraged. The neighbors thought I was hilarious, and told me that I'd never be thin or pretty like my sister. It's not cool to look after yourself... so I learnt to eat less instead. A lot less. Sometimes not at all. And I'd do hundreds of sit ups in bed at night so no one would know of my shame.

I could never afford nice clothes, and if I could I wouldn't have known what to do with them. Still don't, really. I fall in love with many beautiful things, but they are so different. I could never wear that in public. People would look. People would notice me.
Make up is a world full of fear too. To this day I still feel embarrassed if I deliberately try to make myself look pretty. It kills me inside when people notice I'm wearing it and make a comment - and they notice every time because it's such a rare thing. So it must be a special occasion. But what if the special occasion is just that I'm feeling great today?

Gradually though, things have changed. In many ways Obi himself has changed me. There's something there that makes me want to try. Because when I impress him, he makes me feel wonderful. There's something there that gives me courage too. The fear is never less, when I have to make a call, or start something new, or go to a party... it's right there. But I see him do these things normal people can do, and I push myself to be better. He makes me realise sometimes my fears are stupid.

Over time, I've gotten used to being different. I stopped being scared that people were going to give me trouble for things like meeting a boy online and having a strange religion, and started instead to embrace their curiosity. Adults don't need to agree with you to accept you and love you back.

And now? Now I'm ready to let the outside match the inside -even if all those things don't really go together. And they wont. Because I am so many different people who love so many different things. I'm a wife, a mother, a writer, a witch, a feminist, a traditionalist, a yogi, a geek, a homebirther, a furry, a healer and I love music, and books, rituals, prayer, fine dining, talking!, steampunk and peasant and boho and collared shirts, PINK, natural products and living, but also technology and crazy make-up, and comfort! I'm lazy and I love comfort - but I don't want that to dominate what I look like anymore.

For so long I've protected myself in my castle of not trying to stand out and not caring about what I look like. I didn't try, so looking like crap is ok. Safe in the world of not being the same person in public as at home.

I never could fit into one mold, never could be just one style. So I never tried. I left the canvas completely blank.

Well, fuck that!

This is my year to not be afraid. To cut my hair how I want and not be worried if it's shorter than my husband's. To wear the clothes I want and not care if they aren't in fashion. To wear bright-arse accessories and dramatic make-up and smile at people who stare. And to work hard to get the body I feel I deserve, something I can say "I worked hard to look this hot", and then destroy it with pregnancy all over again

This is my year, starting right now, no excuses!

Is it your year too?