I'm so wound up at the moment. I feel all shakey on the inside. I need to just let it go... Owlet was pretty unhappy coming home from dinner today, even the stroller couldn't soothe her. So I fed her while we walked home (not the easiest thing in the world, let me tell you) but she was still upset. Burped her, but it only helped a little. I'm like right, must be tired. Got her home, and it ratcheted up a notch. Changed her, even though there was like nothing there, and it was like the apocalypse...
Then the shrieking started. The kind of shrieking that I've only ever heard come out of her the two times she's had a needle. The most unbearable sound, I'm sure it could be heard at the end of the block. Must have been so much pain, but from what I have no idea. (Obi reckons it could be growing pain, apparently it's possible to grow so fast it hurts? I dunno, that never happened to me as a kid. But well, I didn't grow that much either ) Eventually I got a boob in her mouth and she quieted, but you know how if you're really distressed over something and you try to stop crying your breath shudders, and you kind of sob for a while?
It was like that. The most heartbreaking thing I've had to deal with so far. I felt so powerless...

There was more shrieking before I finally managed to soothe her to sleep. But now I don't know if I'm going to cry myself or what. I'm almost angry, but not at her. This parenting thing has the power to take you to the very end of your rope. It's like nothing else. No wonder my mum was having episodes by the time we were in our teens, doing all that shit by herself.

I need to focus on something else.

Ok what else is happening?

Well, Obi is sick again. Another flu. I've told him that if he gives it to me this time, I'm going to cut his... well never mind that. But yeah. He's a shocker when he's sick. I'm always like "cover your cough/sneeze" "Did you wash your hands?" "Stop breathing on me" "No, I'm not kissing you" Ugh. When I get sick, I bust my arse to make sure I keep it to myself. When he gets sick I think it's a case of misery loves company.
I have a suspicious feeling in the back of my throat, but I'm telling myself it's nothing and I'll be feeling better in the morning.

On the flu front anyway. Perhaps not the rest of me. I did an Abs and Butt class at the gym today and it nearly killed me. I'd have walked out, but there was no way I could put all the equipment back without the instructor calling me out and I didn't want to be a slack bitch. Plus I was afraid I'd cry. But with the pain in my body and the humiliation it's a wonder I didn't anyway. I seriously finally understand why some people hate exercise. They are probably thinking of classes like that. He made us do ten full minutes of push-ups and plank. Push ups are like the nemesis of my world.
Oddly enough the only parts of my body that don't hurt are my abs and butt. I must be doing something wrong. But I don't know how that's possible because he wasn't shy about adjusting our techniques, and I could feel it when I was doing it. But yes. NEVER GOING BACK TO THAT CLASS. Also, I may have mentioned it before but the fact that our all women's gym has some male instructors is really off-putting. I don't know why, because I wouldn't care if it was a co-ed gym, and I didn't choose it because it was women only... but it makes me super uncomfortable. I mean, the dance guy is kind of alright, because I'm pretty sure he's super gay and I'm a fag hag anyway. But this dude who was there today... nah man. It just felt like this massive power trip.

And to top that off, I weighed in. And I'm 50kg. I can't even say I lost a kg, because the scale actually said something mortifying like 50.8. It was disheartening because I feel like I lost weight but yet I still have 5kg to go, hopefully before I get knocked up again.

I should think about going to bed, and just let the bad shit like my baby's broken heart and my fat arse go for the night. Tomorrow is another chance.