*Sigh* anyway let's start with what's on my mind and then cover a few other topics.
OMM - I've always been different. And I've always known it. I'm weird, a misfit, an outcast, a little bit strange... whatever you want to call it, I'm that. Most of the time I'm cool with it. I accepted it long ago. But sometimes I wish I could fit in.
Like on the parenting front. That would be nice. There are so many labels for all the different styles, I think I need to be cross-classed (Ignore lame D&D reference) like, I'm not a "gentle parent" and I'm not into "attachment parenting" but I don't think my infant is manipulating me, I don't feel I need to train her like a dog and I rarely "cry it out". I'm pro breastfeeding, but I'm not one of these starry-eyed wenches that will tell you it's a beautiful bonding experience you don't want to miss out on. I'll give it to you straight. It can be very painful. It's shit in the middle of the night that you're the only one with functioning boobs. It can be bonding and rewarding but just as often it's going to be frustrating or even embarrassing.
I'm all cloth-nappy, home birth, chemical free, no preservatives hippie mumma
But then I'm with my pagan mummy friends and I'm suddenly too normal to fit in with their child-led learning schools, home-schooling, naked in public, unvaxinated, I-only-feed-my-baby-organic-but-wont-actually-cook-for-them crap.Everyone has standards they set for themselves. "Rules" if you will. We all try our hardest (not just with parenting but with everything. In our relationships, with our diets and budgets, etc etc) and sometimes a bit of encouragement is nice. But most of the time, instead of encouragement people just give me the fish-eye, or a bunch of suggestions that I've already thought of - or worse - that they know I'm 100% against.
Today for instance... I decided I needed a plan. See, we've got owl on solids now and that's mostly saving my sanity. Except for the occasion like last night were I can't get her to eat as much as she needs to. (Apparently sweet potato tastes as gross as Farex does. Will be mixing that shit with apple or something because I have a lot of it nicely frozen into baby-sized portions...) And then we're back to the waking 100 times a night thing.
Last night was not my moment of glory. It was a shit evening, all three of us were moody for different reasons. The baby wouldn't eat, I wanted to maim my husband, couldn't stand my own company. Dinner failed, it was too hot... it was just a shit evening all round. Then because she was hungry I wasn't allowed to sleep. I came back to bed crying at one point. I don't remember much of it now. But today I woke determined... I needed a plan.
See, that's who I am. If I don't like something, I fix it. If that doesn't work, I try something else. But I'm not going to suffer needlessly. Nor am I willing to lower my standards. Stubborn Taurus!
So I came up with this brilliant plan - I went to the store and bought these squeezy packets of baby food. They were on special, can't argue with that. Now - I generally don't advocate buying pre-made baby food. It's a waste of money, and if I cook it myself I know what's in there. But, my logic is - this is something easy to give the baby in the middle of the night. Something that doesn't hurt my chest and isn't formula. Something my husband can manage, in the dark, without my help. They are safe from 4 months. I'm 100% confidant I'm not harming my child (unlike with formula, which even if my husband would let me use, I'd never get past the guilt of.)
Anyway, I go through the checkout and they are workmates so they fuss over my baby and keep me to chat and don't feel at all uncomfortable with commenting on my purchases. So I explain why I'm buying baby food, not that I should have to. And it's all "Just give her formula" "just give her a dummy" "just give her water" "just breastfeed her"
Uhm.. 1) No. We choose not to use milk substitutes 2) She's hungry. A dummy won't stop her being hungry. 3) Water is also not going to help with hunger 4) MY HUSBAND DOESN'T HAVE TITS!!! AHHHH!
Why is it so unreasonable that I want to sleep at night? In my solution I see the benefits of something that isn't as messy and slow as spoon-fed food, but that will keep her full for far longer than my booby juice. She's already eating during the day, why is replacing her night feed with food rather than milk the end of the world? Do you know how long it takes for a baby to empty both sides of it's mothers chest?
Anyway, so occasionally all I want is someone to say "That's not a bad idea, good luck!" (or to just mind their own business, that's good too. I can live fine without approval.) instead of telling me all the ways I could do it differently - especially after I've given my reasoning.
This isn't the only area of my life I get this either. It's like my friends don't know me at all. When I say "I'm trying not to buy <something nice that I know I don't need>" I don't want them saying "Buy it! Don't feel guilty!" Sometimes it would be nice to hear someone encouraging me to try harder, or acknowledging the work I already put in. You know?
If I'm wrong but I'm not hurting anyone, let me be wrong. I'm cool with being wrong. Sometimes I just need to be told I'm doing ok, even if I'm a bit unorthodox. The other day I was on youtube listing to music and this add for baby stuff comes on and it's all the baby going" you're doing ok mum, I love you" and I freaking cried ok? Because I'm that pathetic.
/end rant
Love - Things with Obi are great. At least when the baby is considered as a separate facet. We're still learning to be parents and to work together as such, so there are bumps and I'm overlooking them. Things between us as just us are awesome. I can't wait til Saturday, we're going to the Royal Easter Show alone! No baby! For the entire day! My breasts are going to explode! Yay!!
Seriously, it'll be wonderful to not need to cart a bunch of crap around, and to just not have to worry. I'm so blessed to live close to Bec. I know if we were in Canada we'd have his family and mates willing to baby-sit but it's not the same. I think it's entirely possible Bec loves my brat even more than I do! (Joking, that's not possible, but if it was, she totally would.)We also had a great date on Sunday (very much needed!) due to Bec's love of baby time. We had a nice dinner, accidentally got a bit drunk off the one bottle of wine... then he pushed me home in a shopping trolley which was ridiculously fun and we had crazy need-you-now sex. I wonder if Bec realised I was wearing different shoes and he was wearing a different shirt when we came back for our owl. Probably not, she only has eyes for the baby
Things have been very loving between us, and he's been super helpful around the house (for a bloke anyway) but I'm looking forward to doing something together. At the moment we're not playing the same video game or working on any project together so I'm feeling a bit of clingy-ness coming on. I miss him. No flames!!
Fitness - I keep falling off the wagon. But then I get right back on! I need to make more time for the gym, but I've been really busy lately. At least, aside from masses of chocolate, I'm eating well.
Canada - My inlaws annoy me. Not for any real reason I guess. But they do. Maybe it's the baby talk, the awful pet names they give Isis or the overwhelming competitiveness that she's more their side than mine, I don't know. But they're getting on my nerves lately. That's not the point of this though.
So we're going to Canada in may. I'll be there for my birthday. I've still not entirely given up on the idea of seeing some of the blasted country while I'm there. It's my forth visit! And aside from seeing the city, golden ears park and a tiny portion of Victoria Island (or is it Vancouver Island? Or is that the same thing? So confusing!) I've seen nothing. Oh, and Ashcroft. Can't forget that, because for some reason my MIL gets offended when I say I've seen none of Canada. She's like "You've been to Ashcroft!" Uhm, that's great. It's a tiny town four hours out of Vancouver and there's nothing there. It's pretty enough, we did some fishing, but come on! I want to SEE something or do something cool!
It'll be spring, so skiing is probably out. And if I'm knocked up that will limit the adventure level too... but if I'm not pregnant again by May I'm going to be crazy depressed so it wont even matter
But there's got to be something worth seeing in BC! I can't cross the boarder without a visa so Seattle is out, and domestic flights are unbelievably expensive over there too. But I want to figure out something! I need to make some good memories to combat the bad. Suggestions?It'd be nice if it were something we could take one of his mates with us to see... I need to get a'googling!
Wooo that was a ramble!
If it helps, though, I've spoken to my mother about how you parent (from what you post, obviously) and shown her plenty pictures of Isis because she absolutely gives me baby fever and the way you birthed her and parent her are ways I have considered birthing and raising/parenting my own children. My mother has always said you seem like a wonderful and dedicated mother and Isis is just beautiful.
I'm glad everything is lovey and happy otherwise though