Warning: I'm blogging when tired, coherency may wane.

The biggest thing on my mind right now - lets start with that - is that I am so fucking over breastfeeding. I don't even care if this is TMI, I just have to rant it out. It's this idiotic emotional dance. Sometimes the baby wants nothing but me, and my boobs. It's rare she just wants me for me, and that's cool. I love food too, so I get it. But other times, most of the time now it seems, she has something better to do than eat. It reminds me of one of Obi's favourite comedians, part of his skit goes "Eat! Eat damn you! Eat or you will die and I will go to jail!! EEEEAAATT!" and that's totally how I feel.
When I took her in for her 6 month shots, Dr weighed her and told me her percentiles have dropped. For those who don't speak mum, babies are put on this growth scale to monitor how fast they gain weight and grow. Isis was born 75th percentile. IE, the big side of average. And she maintained that at her 2 & 4 month visits. (You're supposed to go every month, but seriously, eff that.) At her 6th month though, the doctor said she had dropped to the 50th percentile which means while she is still gaining weight, she's not gaining enough. It's normal for a baby to fall off curve for a little while, and he said to bring her back at 8 months to be weighed and to discuss putting her on formula. The way he spoke to me made me a bit angry actually, he was like "Are you sure you have enough milk?" and when I said yes he kind of rolled his eyes a bit and shifted his body, in a way that kinda said "Of course you would think so" like I don't know my own body. But I don't need to go back in there to see that her ribs stick out a little more.

Well, I made these stupid cookies to help me keep up (and I'm not sure they did anything at all), because soon after that Isis started refusing solids. Luckily, she's over that now. But they tell you that the bulk of a baby's nutrition comes from the milk and up until one year their solids are mostly to introduce them to food, help them learn how to eat... and for the parent not to rely on that to be their kid's nutrition. Which is probably why so many parents just bulk their brat's stomach out with rice cereal and be done with it.
Anyway, I have enough milk. More than enough. But it doesn't do me any good because she won't freaking drink it. And every time she decides OH LOOK SOMETHING SHINY! she scrapes her teeth off me or lets go with a painful pop. Or she'll just push me away and cry like I'm molesting her, do you know how fucking heartbreaking that shit is? Then five seconds later she's rooting and poking her tongue out, she'll drink for another 30 seconds and the process will repeat. Drink or you will die child!! How hard is it?

Last night, I admitted it to myself. I don't want to do this any more. Every time she's crying and Obi's helpfully suggesting "Maybe she's hungry" I just want to say "Maybe you should shut up" let's be honest, sometimes I do say that. Other times I can't help but think "Maybe you should anally masturbate with a cactus and leave me alone" but I don't say that, I just lift my shirt and wait for the pain to start.

Don't get me wrong. Breastfeeding isn't all bad. I am still a big advocator of breastfeeding. But it's hard. It's demanding. Invasive. Stressful and often painful. It's by far the right thing to do. But that didn't stop me buying a tin of formula today.

Now, I really really don't want to hear "It's ok to formula feed your baby" and "I was formula fed, I turned out fine" or even "I feed my child formula and there's nothing wrong with her/him" That's great, good for you, I respect your opinion. But this is my blog and I don't want to hear it. For the record, I was formula fed too. Mum did the BF thing for a while, but dad used to beat her in the chest, laughing at how close he could get to my head without actually hitting me too, so for obvious reasons the bottle was a very appealing option. I don't begrudge her that at all, I'd do the same thing. I have a lot of respect for her, and how she survived those years. But I also know that I did grow up with a lot of allergies, which is a chance that is heightened by formula feeding. The research is all there. Do you know what it's like to grow up not being able to eat wheat or tomato, even in small quantities? It blows arse. Half my mates parents wouldn't let me come over because they couldn't figure out what to feed me. Birthday parties were awkward too - party pies, sausage rolls, fairy bread, cake - when all you want to do is fit in, you don't need people making something special that only you can have.

I was sick a lot as a kid. I had a shit immune system. How much of that was growing up in a dirty house surrounded by cigarette smoke, I can't say either. But, every time I hear someone say "I was bottle fed and I turned out ok" I hear my mum say "I smoked when pregnant, and my kids turned out ok" Because she totally said that! I was tiny and asthmatic and suffered for years. But yeah, I'm ok. I turned out ok. I wouldn't trade my life in. We all do what we have to do. And if you don't have a choice between bottle and boob, then so be it.

But me? personally? Not judging anyone else? Me, I do have a choice.

I also have a rash on the side of my boob that finally made it's way to my nipple yesterday.

And so, we're going to split feed from here on out. Because I can't do this for another year and a half (thank you for your guideline WHO) and then do it again two more times.

Because you know what's gay about breastfeeding? The thick, filling, nutritional milk is at the back of the load. And if you can't keep your brat there long enough, they don't get it. You know what's beautiful about the bottle? It's the same shit the whole way through, so if she only drinks the first half it's not like she only ate the hotdog and left the salad behind.

Obi will probably be angry. I was ambivalent at best on the breastfeeding thing anyway. I always said I'd bottle feed at night so the kid would sleep longer (formula is harder to digest) but Obi has been a very strong supporter of 100% boobiefood. But here's the logic I'm going to give to him: Isn't it better than I split feeds now and then she continues to get some breast milk for as long as possible, rather than me trying to do it full time for maybe another month before I snap and wean her completely?

Besides, I want my body back. I want my fertility back. Yesterday I was four days late for my period (I got my first one back while we were in Canada). Now I know they say "your period can be very erratic in the first year after birth" but they say that with puberty and a whole bunch of other things too that never applied to me. My period is great. I can set my watch by it. So I was four days late, and pretty hopeful I tested, as you do.

Nope, not pregnant. Just not fertile. Stupid prolactin. I'm not willing to wait any longer. (So much for that mate's prediction eh? Way to get my hopes up chick!) Ma was all like "You can't rely on breastfeeding as a form of contraception" and I always believed that. But sorry Ma, you totally can.

On that front, Obi's been really sweet. He seems very keen to bring the next round on, which is amazing because Isis stresses the crap out of him much faster than she does me. Sometimes I worry that he'll regret coming on this journey with me, but I know I'm being silly.

We were talking about going to the Fur Con down in Melbourne in January next year and the first thing he thought of was what stage of pregnancy I might be in (this was a couple weeks ago) and he smiled at me and said "If you're not about ready to pop about then, it won't be for lack of trying". He's made a few other positive comments as well. It really helps that I'm not the only one that wants this.

Thinking of our sex life, it's been mostly awesome. I say mostly because I'm back to my usual self, wanting it like three times a day, and Obi is back to having a much lower libido than I have. So when we have sex, it's fantastic! But that's half the problem, the greater sex is, the more I want it, whereas the greater sex is, the longer he's satisfied. So by the time he's keen again, I've cooled off. At the moment we've found a happy medium though, so that's nice. I should have a nap today so I have the energy to make like a rabbit tonight. Yes We're trying new stuff together (that you don't need to know about) and just having fun with it. We're both instigating. Gradually the fear of rejection is fading for both of us. It's nice.

And maybe something will come of it? That would be great too.

What else? Work's good. I've only had one shift, but it was great. I'm not working this weekend, religious holiday woo!, but the Saturday after I have a full day shift. I hope I'm up to the challenge! It was a bit annoying though. My line manager (at least I assume that's who I was talking to) text messaged me my hours. And said "If there's anything I can help you with let me know" so I told her I will need to know when my breaks are in advance so that Obi can bring the baby to me, as I'm still breastfeeding. She goes "Oh I can't help you with that. I won't know when your breaks are until the day." *Sigh*

We're celebrating the Winter Solstice this weekend, looks like not many people are going to show, but I'm used to that. But, I can't think of what I should give Obi. I was thinking something car related, because he's buying a car in the next month or so, but Chris is giving us his old GPS and I can't very well get something else not know what car we'll have, can I? I don't know much about cars.