Because I don't want to disappoint Piper and Sora...

Last week was hard. The whole thing, pretty much, was a write-off. Not the Saturday just gone but the one before Aunty Flo made an appearance and that was good and fine. Can't wait until I have a regular cycle again, unless not having one means I'm knocked up. But anyway, so she was in town a whopping two and a half days and I'm like, is that shit even counted?
Well I guess it is, because I'm about to blame her for the hell that followed.

I assume it was hormones anyway... but my God.. *shakes head* You all know that I have this social anxiety disorder right? And depression and I go way back, but I've got it under control, more or less. Until it rains, I'm no good in the rain. But it was a sunny clear-skied 20 for the whole week, so yeah, hormones. Blame the Flo.

I spent the better part of the week having an attack of the crazies. Of course there was the massive crying-like-a-fool breakdown in the health food shop on the Monday. And I mentioned needing to go get credit for my phone so I could call the repair dude. Yeah, I never called him. I missed his call twice before he finally got hold of me on the Thursday. And Obi was on my arse to call the RTA and change the rego of the new car into my name. I didn't do that either. I had an excuse; I had no credit. And though I attempted to get some, it turned out we had no money in the account because Obi's work just didn't bother to pay him last week. That was fortunate however because we found out that they missed a week of pay last month too. So hopefully next pay will be three weeks worth, that'd be nice.

But, even if I did have credit, I wouldn't have called. And I told Obi as much. I could barely leave the damned house. Now that I'm stable again I look back and I can't even understand how I let that happen but at the time it was just unbearable. Like, one of the days I put Isis down for a nap, and then I laid awake in my bed for the duration of that nap (so like three hours) not able to sleep, but too paralyzed to get up and do anything. I managed to sit out on the commons with Isis for a few hours (hoping the sun would help me recover) and I took her for a walk on one of the days, but that was it. The one time I was forced to go to the shops I made sure to select a checkout where I knew the cashier wouldn't speak to me at a time when I knew none of my workmates would be on. Every other time I asked Obi or Bec to bring supplies or we went without. I felt like everyone was staring at me and talking about me (even when I was home. It got so bad I shut all the blinds to stop them watching me, and turned off the music so they couldn't listen either).

I think it was Thursday night I cried a little in relief when Obi got home, because it was like a spell was broken. Suddenly I was free and safe and I could actually do stuff. All I wanted was to be able to clean my kitchen, but I was too afraid to move. Right now I'm going to click the box to make this blog private. Let's limit the amount of people who know how much of a moron I am eh?

It was odd too because I was doing everything right. I was going outside in the sun, eating properly, the baby was a champion all week, I gave myself leisure time, went to the gym three nights with Bec (because my fear of her mocking is greater than my fear of the public I guess haha) but nothing helped. What was worse was I had so much I felt I needed to do, and I barely touched it. For a bloody week! Glad that shit is over. Would rather bleed for seven days and be crazy for two, not the other way around.

Thinking of Aunt Flo, every time we have sex now Obi asks me (afterward) "So, are you ovulating?". It makes me smile because he's so keen to have another brat with me, despite how stressful it can be. He's more eager this time than he ever was on round one. However, if I don't conceive soonish, I can see how that question will irritate me haha.

I was still unstable on the Saturday (the most recent one). I'd forgotten how AF makes me think no one loves me.. that Obi secretly hates me and is planning on leaving... so I was clingy. I'd discussed with Obi that we'd both go to the RTA together to do the rego, as he'd tried to do it for me online and couldn't because I'd need to phone to get a password. It's easier for me to speak to someone in person than over a phone, so I was good with going there. I intended to walk. It was a beautiful day, the baby needs to be walked anyway... well, come Saturday morning Obi decides he'd rather not go with me, especially since I wanted to walk. I was clear about how I felt on the issue, but I still left alone.

I got a few blocks down the road and broke... so I texted asking him to come as a favour to me. I'd come back for him. He said he'd catch up. I assumed he'd take the bus to do so, because he doesn't walk anywhere if he has a choice and because there was no way he'd catch me on foot. I walk faster than him, and had a head start. Needless to say, I got to the RTA well before him. Completely defeating the point of him coming. Well not completely, the boy needs exercise. And he was there for the walk home which helped because if I had to do that shit alone and deal with the disappointment, it wouldn't have been pretty.

The disappointment being: While I was there I asked them 1) when does my learner's permit expire? 2) Can Obi teach me to drive on his foreign license? and if no 3) can you grant him a NSW license even though it hasn't been six months from his last entry into the country?
Well I've got til Feb next year for my L's which is nice because no he can't teach me to drive on a Canadian license and no they won't waive the time restriction. Fuck them. If he wasn't such a stick in the mud I'd bloody go right ahead and break that law because they might never catch me. But Obi doesn't do anything wrong.

But yeah, disappointed was an understatement. And it's so so hard not to resent Obi, not to lose my tree and call him mean names because it's his fault. Plain and simple. I own a car I can't drive because my husband didn't listen to me, and was too fucking lazy to sort his stuff out at the RTA... because he doesn't care about these things unless they benefit him. What's more is he showed no remorse at all and wasn't a bit concerned about how I'm going to gain enough skill to pass my P test in under three months. Honest to god, on November the 27th he'll be in that office getting his card and then if he so much as thinks about complaining about spending his every spare second on the road with me I will jam my foot so far up his arse he'll get my nail polish on his teeth.

But I don't stay mad long so we came home, he downloaded some *cough* trial *cough* games and we hung out and had a blast. The rest of the weekend was pretty awesome too, even though we're as broke as shit after paying for the rego. (We took our last scrap out of savings to get us til his pay day, but he said the paperwork would only be a small fee... which it is. It's $33... what he didn't realise is it is $33 PLUS a percentage of the sale price of the car. which made it over $100. Funnily enough if I'd bought credit to call the RTA and get that password, we wouldn't have had the pennies to pay the fee. Lame. )

Now I'll be off. Tomorrow night we're having a home date Can't wait!