There's so much on my mind, but also nothing at all. Aside from the terribleness of last night, Isis has been sleeping really well. I was impressed. No news on the job front for Obi, but I've been working quite a bit and we got our taxes back and that will have us in the clear for a while, coupled with the money from his last job, when they finally get around to paying him.
Being home all the time is starting to wear on him though. He's off playing poker again, but a great deal of the time he just doesn't know what to do with himself/ the baby. Most things cost money, or the baby isn't keen on.

One thing I notice that has really suffered is our sex life, not that we were having loads of sex before, but what we did have was wonderful. This morning at like 5am when I put Isis back to bed (I'm sure with half my nipple still lodged in her teeth,) I couldn't get back to sleep, but I was so freaking exhausted from being repeatedly barged out of bed... and I'm thinking to myself, "I wouldn't have to get up all the time if we co-slept. Why don't we co-sleep? Oh that's right, I don't believe in co-sleeping. Mostly to save our sex life. What sex life? We don't have a sex life right now." And I was just getting angrier and angrier. Seriously I think the last time I had sex was over a fortnight ago. I can't remember. I know I gave a hand job sometime in the past week... week? well I hope it hasn't been more than that, but it might have been by now.
And honestly I'm not even horny. I don't care. I can't fall pregnant, so I don't need to have sex. But I miss it. I miss the connection, I miss how he's nicer to me that day after, and that sense of well-being. But like Tanja said, the more you have it, the more you want it. That's how it works for me. But by the time he wants it again, I've cooled off. Like Antarctica. Sometimes I think I should make time to masturbate every day just to keep the engines running and ready but that just makes me sad. When I take care of myself and I'm not long distance, no matter how hard I try to see it as something else, I see it as a failure on my partner's part. It hurts my heart. I should work on that.

And yes, I've spoken to him. I've told him how I feel. I've outright said "I want to have more sex" and 100 variations of that. And I'd prefer that not to be at bloody midnight when I finally collapse exhausted into bed. One of the "rules" of our marriage is that we always go to bed at the same time. So I try not to make that too early, because I know he'd be up until the wee hours every night if he was given the chance. But if it's after midnight? He can stick his dick in the toaster or something because it's not coming near me.

I really do understand how hard it is for him too. I've always been the one to instigate. I don't like it. Ok, that's an understatement. But it's always been me. I'm the one with the higher libido. .... actually thinking about it there's no good reason why it's always me. When I came out of my last relationship I had a "don't say no" policy. Unless I was physically unable/would be harmed, I never turned Obi down in the beginning. It was only years later after telling me repeatedly that I was allowed to say no, that I even started. So, knowing that he wouldn't be rejected, why then would he still not instigate? Eh, it's in the past.

Anyway, now I say no more often than yes. Because it's late and I just don't care. I have to get up in the morning and function. And because offers to pleasure him are just not that much of a turn on. I can't even count the number of times we've had the "asking for a blowjob is not fore-play" conversation. 50% more times than the "groping my tits is fun for you not me" conversation, I'm sure.
He tells me he doesn't know how to flirt with me. It was easier LD. Yes, it was. I get it. LEARN HOW ANYWAY! Fuck.

Lately it's even harder on him because I've been constantly sick, and because he's home I have not been napping as much. If I don't nap, I'm not awake enough to want sex. That's my fault. I see that. But I'm sick of carrying the sole responsibility for our sexual relationship. And I've been trying, I shower early, so I'm more appealing. He could stop playing that stupid game and ravage me on the lounge for half an hour or something. I communicate clearly, I don't drop hints. I make sure we have skin-to-skin time every day to keep the oxytocin flowing. (The love and bonding hormone) I'm not exactly what I looked like when we first got together, but I'm close to it. I'm clean. I smell decent. Why am I too much effort? Why?
If I say no in the beginning, why won't he try to convince me anyway? Why couldn't it turn into a back rub and maybe I'll change my mind? He knows it destroys my confidence, that I feel unattractive and like a wanton whore when it's always always me, and when if I don't start something weeks pass us by. *sigh* I knew we had this problem, and I married him anyway. And I'm at peace with that. But I can have a mope about it in my own private blog from time to time.

There's other stuff on my mind, but for some reason sex often seems the most pressing. Everything in life is easier to deal with if that front is taken care of. I know once we have a chance to reconnect I'll look back at this and wonder why I was so distressed. He's suggesting we have a date night soon, leave the baby with Bec and remember why we like each other. It's a good idea.

This was supposed to be a happy blog. Sorry about that. All the good things will come soon I promise. I think I'll go nap now. If I wasn't so tired all the time, maybe I could be a better wife.