I hate how as I get tired I start to feel sad for no reason. I've also noticed how much of a bitch I am lately. I know it's hormones, but it just feels like all the stupid people in the world are crossing my path and I have zero patience. It's one of the reasons I have not been here much. A case of "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything". It's just been really bad. I've somehow managed to hold my tongue at work with the completely backwards people who flood in my direction each minute and that Mariam chick has moved on thankfully. She probably was Lebanese btw, I just hadn't considered it. We have quite a large Lebanese population in Sydney, but I almost never recognise the women. The men however are easy to recognise, because they are cocky and treat you like shit. And they have expensive cars and bad music. I know that sounds racist, but honest to God I've never met a Lebanese male who didn't think he was God's gift.

Last Monday was a public holiday, so it's been a four day week which was awesome. We went to a toddler birthday party on that Monday too... it was enlightening.

They had the best brownies and other little cakes, apparently from Costco. ToDieFor. That's got no bearing on this story. Anyway, so there were a lot of other kids there. The little girl upstairs knows a lot of people I guess, not that she actually plays with any of them.

So Obi and I were there trying not to be awkward. My sister tells me the point of parties is to meet new people through a shared friend, and it's great to not know anyone, but I can't say I agree. Anyway, Obi was sitting on the ground with Isis between his legs, teaching her to draw on the ground with chalk. That is to say, entertaining her and trying to limit the amount of chalk she ingested. I was standing beside them, watching, talking briefly with random mums who seemed as uncomfortable as I was. Parties with strangers require music and alcohol. The end. Back to Isis. This little boy came towards us, had a chocolate muffin in one hand. All of a sudden he throws down his muffin and charges toward Isis on his stubby two-or-three year old legs. And then he grabs her by the ears, one in each hand, and starts pulling. Obi is trying not to touch him, while trying to protect Isis, who's starting to crumble but isn't yet crying. This boy didn't seem to notice Obi was even there! I picked him up and moved him a couple of feet away. The second his feet touched the ground he was turning back for my little girl, but then his dad was there.
This man goes to me "I'm sorry, he's in attack mode right now. He has an older sister."
I'm like "yeah no worries" because I was still in shock and just wanted to check my kid. Only later did I realise... what the hell kind of excuse is that?

I picked Isis up and tried to get the chocolate out of her hair and ear. Her ears were a little red but she's a hardy creature, thankfully. Anyway, a few minutes later, I just got done with telling ... Fiona? Laura?... I think it was Laura. This chick who goes to my gym. She apparently recognized me, I didn't know her from a bar of soap... so I just finished telling Laura that I didn't feed my baby chocolate muffin, it got him her hair because this kid attacked her, when right across from us the same little boy is going at another little girl.

This little girl was older, stocky. Possibly older than the boy. Her parents were no where to be seen, probably because at that age they play by themselves and don't really need you. But the boy was standing over her, holding her ears the same way he had with Isis and biting her on the face! I was absolutely horrified, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Little girl was screaming and trying to fight him off. His dad was trying to drag him off but he wouldn't let go... she had teeth marks in her face. It was just awful. I'm sad just thinking about it. I don't know what I'd have done if he'd bitten my kid. Probably wouldn't have had a chance to do anything because Obi'd have sent him flying. But fuck. Who takes their kid to an event knowing they are a little shit in "attack mode"? Who takes their eyes of a kid known to be violent?

It was an eye opener. I didn't put Isis down for the rest of the party. Which, by the way, was boring as shit. I hope Isis's party Bec is throwing in a couple months is better.

On the work front, I accepted the next three weeks of contract, so I'm again officially half way through. Obi hasn't heard anything, and Paula, my line manager, wanted to give me the first chance at the shifts. That makes me feel good because 1) she cares and 2) I'm obviously not doing so badly that I'm getting in the way. I have no confidence at work or in myself in a professional sense. And sometimes that leads me to make mistakes or ask questions I should actually know the answer to - leading to having even less confidence. Sometimes, I suck.

On the romance front, it's been up and down. There's still a plastic crocodile in my bathroom. It's not shrinking, well except for it's feet. Obi seems to have struggled more this week, I wish there was something I could do for him. I feel like the crocodile is a symbol for something.

But, there have been good parts too. Like last night. We had this randomly hot day. It hit 37 degrees, it was fantastic! So the ground was lovely and warm, leading into a balmy night. I suggested we should eat dinner outside, so we had a little picnic on the commons. We had candle light, but it wasn't necessary because of the lights from the building. But it was wonderful and romantic, Obi made the best burritos, and we both felt fantastic afterward. How strange that just changing the location where you eat dinner can have such a profound effect.
Then this morning, he got out of bed at 6:30am to make me buttermilk pancakes from scratch (and bacon. It's apparently not a hot breakfast without bacon,) before work. It made my whole day better. Saved me really because we were so busy my breaks were so late I thought they were just going to skip them. You know what? Obi doesn't even like buttermilk pancakes. <3 He likes the plain flour pikelet style ones. True love I tell you.

I wish my libido would come back. Some days I'm scared I don't love him, which is stupid because I know I do! But I don't want to be intimate, he touches me, I get annoyed, he kisses me I feel like it's gross and wet and I want it to be over It just makes me so sad. Because I want to want these things! But all I feel is tired, sick, irritated and at the best cuddly. I know this too shall pass. It's not a big deal, I'm not distressed or worried. But I miss that side of me.

Sometimes I feel like having a baby broke me. I feel like I will never be able to love anyone as much as I love her. No one makes me smile as much. No one makes me want to go out of my way to make them happy like she does. There was a time when he was my everything. I remember the night Isis was born, and I loved him so completely, with awe and passion and respect and everything I had. And now my deepest feelings for him feel like a shadow of a cloud next to the overpowering rush I have for her.

It's probably normal. It's probably what they actually mean when they say "having a baby changes your relationship". But I can't say I like it. I'm afraid of it.

And yet, he makes me laugh. He's my perfect partner for life's adventures. He listens to me, loves me, learns and adapts. We have a good life together, one that I wouldn't exchange for anything.... I think that's what makes me afraid. I think I'm afraid this lack of passion inside me will somehow sabotage what we have. Either it will drive him away or I will become attracted and horny again, but to someone new and exciting. Big thoughts this late at night.

For the record, right now I am content. This blog might sound heavy but I'm not sad. I'm going to convince him to come to bed and cuddle soon. I am happy. But I always expect more from myself I guess.