Man I'd love an alcoholic beverage. Maybe a beer, or an alcopop or a sweet wine. After days like today you kind of need something. But I'm knocked up and broke as a joke besides so even a fancy-arse frappe while I watch the sunset is off limits.

I swear, if I hadn't lived through so many shit events, like Ma dying and wasting years of my life with a pedophile, I'd dramatically say it was the worst day of my life. Realistically it isn't, but fuck I'm looking forward to flopping face first onto my bed... wait, I can't do that either unless I want to give birth to a crepe.

So it started like any other sunny day. The baby stirs, the husband doesn't. The baby stops gabbling and starts crying, I give up on Obi being chivalrous and letting me sleep in and I get my arse out of bed. But instead of me letting go of the resentment, it gets out of control pretty quick.

The baby is fussing. Obi's used all the milk and didn't tell me, so there's no morning beverage to help me start my engines. And there's no breakfast for either of us. I get this brat to choke down her formula and I dress her. But I can't dress me, because I need to make a quick repair first. Does my child play quietly with the ridiculously expensive and probably not recyclable toys her aunty lavishes her with? No. That would be too easy. She just cries. I let Obi know I'm struggling and that he can't just sleep in every day - I don't believe either of us should sleep in frequently, it should be something special or done when needed, not something you do because you're unemployed - but help doesn't come and I get my shoddy repair done and get dressed to the sound of a small child losing her shit with me. Fine, fine, I can cope.

Or I could until I went into the bedroom to get something to find Obi's holding a pillow over his ear.

I didn't kill him. I went out and got milk and reduced yogurt to block my child's face-hole with and tried to chill. She almost never cries at the shops, but today... well in fairness I was freaking hungry too. I couldn't blame her. Then the post office raped me for my christmas stamps at $2.60 a piece. What the ever-loving fuck? Obi was out of bed when I got back, which would have helped my mood if this bombshell didn't immediately follow...

"I heard from the company. I didn't get it"

Crap. Double crap.

The reason this sucks so very bad? Because they emailed him Friday saying "Please call so we can get you started with [the company]" he had this shit in the bag. They were discussing when he'd start, how many hours per week etc... Told him they wanted to hire him on as a junior. Ok, so that could be a blow to the confidence, but he really hasn't been in the industry very long. Some companies consider you a jr if you've worked less than five years - which he has. So cool... and they ask for his weekly rate.
The lady explained that the company won't negotiate, you give them a sum, and they either accept to pay it or they don't. In the interest of avoiding having employees that are unhappy with their pay rate, they won't hire someone on for less than that person wants to earn.

So he does his maths. Takes a significant pay cut from his last job (where he was a mid, not a jr) and sends them a number. Then all weekend we played the waiting game... until this morning, where he got his rejection.

At this point he'd be pretty happy to work for anything, not caring if we were LD or anything else. But the lady wouldn't negotiate, and that was that. He asked a lot less than he's been told he could be earning for his skill set and experience, he wasn't greedy. But the main reason it blows is that he was so close. They basically told him he had the job and then took it away.

I tried to comfort him and myself. And that backfired. I held him, and he just sat and endured it until I got the hint. He didn't want my loves. He goes "You know I don't want to be touched when I'm upset" but I felt like he changed the rules. He's never said that. He makes it clear he likes to be left alone when he's angry or when we have a disagreement, but since when did this rule apply to all negative emotions? I'd already had a shit morning and the baby was STILL freaking whining, I couldn't handle the rejection right then, fair or not.

He went out for a bit, and I laid on the bed hugging my pillow and teddy. When he came back Isis went down for a not-very-successful nap and then we both cried.

If that wasn't enough, it was stinking hot today. A good beach day, but we didn't feel like the beach. I think that was half of Isis's problem. Couldn't nap because of the heat, didn't want to eat, and there was something wrong with her parents that just made the world all bad.

So now, Obi's off playing free poker, I called in a favour from Bec to get Isis out of the house because I seriously could not handle any more crying, and here I am at a loss of what to do with myself. There's a lot I should do. A lot I even want to do, but every time I have the chance the will leaves me. But I feel pretty empty, like I have one cry left and then I will be empty of even my soul.

It's a shit day.

I'm grateful we won't be going back to the distance after all, happy he most likely wont miss our cruise in Feb, but I'm also terrified. I feel like he's never going to work again.
One saving grace though is that my supervisor indicated to me she'll have a lot of shifts for me these next two weeks, including Christmas eve and NYE. She said she'll try and give me the day time shifts rather than ones that interfere with family life, so that was nice. But a lot of shifts for a casual unskilled worker is still not really the stuff you build your future with. At the end of the week I don't even make a minimum wage.

So close... we were so hopeful.