I have two topics, both related to parenting. The first is a rant, the second it could be interesting to get opinions on, though not necessarily advice.

Rant:
It seriously gets to me how people will treat me as though I'm doing my child(ren) a disservice because I don't give her junk food and she doesn't watch TV. Children under the age of two are not supposed to have any screen time (I can site research if you're keen) for starters, and if I remember right over two years old they can have something ridiculously low like half an hour a day. Isis watches quite a bit more than none. Probably about 1-2 hours a week of Youtube kids videos. She likes baby Einstein, Hi-5 and KidsTV. And sometimes I like just being able to sit down for ten minutes and send an email. Particularly on those days where for whatever reason she decides she's not napping. She also has a couple of games on Obi's phone that get whipped out in moments of desperation. But over the weekend someone actually told me I was depriving her of a complete childhood because she doesn't watch Sesame Street.
Really? Thanks for that.
You know what? I wasn't allowed to watch Sesame Street as a child either. Mum didn't want us to learn American English - partly for valid reasons and partly because she was from a small minded small town and didn't like American culture (but I'm not sure if she ever actually met any Americans ) but whatever her reasons were I don't feel particularly damaged from watching Playskool instead. And sometimes I look back at my childhood and wish I had done more rather than spending most afternoons in front of the box. Not that we had the money to, but that's beside the point.
As for the junk food. She does get some. She got cake and ice cream cake for her birthday - portions as big if not bigger than when I ate myself. If I'm eating a bickie I'll break some off for her or whatever. Last night I was drinking eggnog (found out I can have the store bought stuff, just not home made so yay!) and she indicated she wanted some, so she finished off my glass. She doesn't get mashed veggies on nacho night, she gets nachos. I try to keep it healthy without being unfair and ridiculous. And yet people, both strangers and my family feel they not only have the right to judge that, but to laugh and joke to each other about my parenting when I'm standing right there. Or they'll brag that "she gets chocolate/lots of screen time when she comes to my place". Exactly why are you proud of that?

It's hard enough living up to your own standard of parenting without encouragement to do worse. /end rant

Now the other thing, I was having a big discussion with Obi about this the other day that we didn't get to finish, but it's been on my mind a lot. It's about respect and personal boundaries for kids, toddlers and babies.

Throughout my childhood there were countless people I was expected to hug and or kiss (You know the "family kiss" option in the sims where they give a peck on the lips? Yeah that. Or cheek kisses. It seems to be less common in north America, or at least my husband was horrified by it.) when I'd known them 0.3 seconds. Like "This is your long lost aunt Milty who hasn't seen you since you were two months old, go give her a kiss" type thing. I hated it. I hated it so badly. And I was the cuddly child, I can only imagine how much it sucked for my sister who was shy and hated to be touched. But if there was an option to say no, I was never aware of it.

Now I have a one year old who hates being held by strangers - or by people she considers to be strangers. And up until recently I just warn the person that she will cry and hand her over, knowing she's going to be distressed by it. Recently I read something that got me thinking. It was an article where the mother had asked her kid if she'd ever abused her and while the kid said no to physical abuse, she did say yes - because of all those incidents of her mother licking a tissue and cleaning her face with it. And I totally felt that kid - because my mum did that too and it was fucking gross. The kid said (in less sophisticated words) that it was both disrespectful and demeaning. Well that was just the beginning of my thought adventure...

Kids trust you not to put them in harm's way. They want to feel safe and loved.

So I was asking Obi when did he think was the right time to let our children choose whether or not they wanted to hug aunt Milty and he said "When they can say that they don't like it." Our brat can't say "No I don't want to" but she doesn't need those English skills to communicate how she feels about the situation. She makes it very clear, time and again, that she doesn't like it. We know she doesn't like it. Doesn't that give us the responsibility to protect her from an invasion of her personal space that we're aware she won't be comfortable with? Why does her ability to speak English limit our respect of what she's saying?

At first I believed she just needed more contact with people so that she'd get used to it, but six months on she's shown me that she's not interested in getting used to it. She knows how to ask to be picked up, and will reach for whom she wants to be with. And she does gradually warm up to people and approach them on her own (in her own unsophisticated way) if given the time.

But as Obi pointed out - sometimes she will cry when someone is simply talking to her, mostly because they think she's blind and get right into her face to do it, and we shouldn't protect her from that. She can't go through life being afraid to be spoken to, and we can't ask people not to talk to her (not only would that be weird it would slow down her speech development). But I don't think this is an argument to not voice her interests at all. I think I'd like to develop the confidence to say "no, she doesn't like being held." Thankfully, as she's getting the hang of walking it won't be long before I can simply go with "She'll come to you in her own time."

Another part of my thought process here though relates again to my own childhood. I wasn't taught about privacy, and through many unspoken things I was taught that it was normal for people to touch you if they wanted. I knew I could say no if they touched my genitals, chest or bottom, but anything else didn't raise an alarm with me. I also had no qualms about getting undressed or dressed in front of people, as it was common at home to dress in front of the fire in the lounge room rather than the cold bathroom. I didn't start to hide my body until I started self-harming in my teens.

And I wonder if this lack of knowledge about privacy and a right to personal space contributed to the way our "non-biological father" touched us (He was an ex of our mums but stayed friends with her and stayed in our lives. When we were teens we would holiday alone with him.) for example, he'd hold hands with one of us, or rub my thigh when I sat beside him on the lounge. He'd come up behind you and rub the curve of your hip, or cuddle against your back, and many other things I don't feel comfortable sharing. And it wasn't until I was dating the pedophile and he did some of the exact same things - with an obvious romantic/sexual intent - that I realised a father figure shouldn't be allowed to do that.

I wonder if knowing I was entitled to personal space would have made a difference? On one hand I'm very grateful for the way mum raised us. I'm comfortable in my own skin. I know I don't need to be perfect to have confidence. I'm not embarrassed by my naked body because I know everyone has one and none of them are perfect. And when that mentally handicapped stranger on the bus starts holding my hand or snuggling me it doesn't freak me out like it would so many others. I'm accustomed to people I don't know touching me when I would prefer they didn't. It's not all bad. But at the same time we all want to do better for our kids than our parents did for us, right?

I hope none of that personal stuff was too disturbing for you. Thanks for reading my thoughts for today