It's nearly midnight. I should get ice cream for Obi and I.

I have ice cream. I'm awesome.

I hate to sound like a typical Taurus, but I miss that luxurious fancy ice cream. This homebrand stuff is alright, but it's not an experience lol

Lately I've been struggling with just how nasty people can be. Which is weird because I'm not inherently a nice person. I'm sarcastic and judgmental and I'm not sorry. But most of the time I keep that shit to myself or vent it t Obi, who knows that I'm a horrible person, laughs with me and loves me anyway. But like.. is it too hard to just shut your mouth? This is both in person and online I'm struggling with. Like 100 times a day I just want to say "was that even necessary?!" What possible good comes out of making sport of other people?

As bad as I can be on the inside I do try to live by the Rede (Harm none) I try to check myself when I'm being judgmental or at least admit it to myself. but lately? I just.. ugh! I know people are getting stressed because it's Christmas time and such. Patience is short and the heat can really shrivel it up. But fuck! It's like there's a world wide epidemic that all brain-to-mouth filtering has been suspended. Think before you speak. And if it's horrible say it out loud to your computer screen and roll your eyes rather than typing it out to spread your misery to another person's day.

Ok I think I'm done.

So what else is new? Little fetus's bones must be hardening. I've felt movement since 16 weeks, but now it's changed. When she stretches it's like being elbowed in the stomach from the inside. I can see a bump form on my bump and if I push it back, it's hard like bone. Gross. Glad she's doing well and enjoying my womb and everything though.

Spoke to the father-in-law today. It was a bit lame because he texted Obi about wanting to Skype, but it was Obi's turn to sleep in and at any rate he'd left his phone in the car. So just after we got Isis settled for a nap, he Skypes us - I should have added this to my pet peeves, but I find it rude when people will initiate a skype call without checking to see if you're busy first. Maybe that's just because Obi ad I always asked if we could call when we were LD (unless one of us was creeping on a sleeper, of course) but chances are if I'm home I'm not fully dressed. Use the message feature and ask if I'm free. - and of course this skype call ate up over an hour of our very precious nap-time. And the old man thought it was pretty funny that neither of us had done our hair and such. Again, people - keep your judgement to yourself. Annnyway...

So I don't know who remembers, but back when we found out what gender Isis was, we told him and his response was basically "So what? What does knowing gain you?" when seriously "That's great, I'm happy for you" would have done. So this time, I made no effort to let him know. And today he asked what it was because he was "pretty sure it's a boy" and I reminded him that he was a dick last time, which is why we didn't tell him this time. I said it nicely of course. And he's like "But I really want to know!!" haha so maybe he gets it now. He seemed very surprised at the sonographer's guess (also, I haven't forgotten Jen, I'm just lazy and busy.) but happy and polite none the less.

I'm starting to wonder about people and their gender guesses. I personally really had no idea one way or the other with either pregnancy. With Isis I desperately wanted a girl, (and sometimes I thought she might be - but was that intuition or wishful thinking?) but was convinced it would be a boy because of the overwhelming number of boys in Obi's family. With this baby, I still don't know if I believe it's a girl. I don't feel like I'm having a boy, but how the hell would I know what that feels like or if it feels any different? So I get this face a bit when mum and dad are all "We know it's a boy" and Bec is all "I've never been wrong on a gender prediction, I think it's a girl."

The Solstice was today. I worked. I feel like I let myself and them upstairs down because other than make up my altar I didn't do anything. I can feel the magic in the air (Summer solstice is one of the most powerful times of the year) but instead of utilizing it, celebrating it and enjoying it, I'm kind of just letting it slip by. Luckily the Gods are laid back people and won't terribly mind if I'm late or if I forget entirely. And I'm lonely. Terribly lonely. Some sabbats you really need people around to make them awesome. Some are private and not for sharing, but Litha isn't one of those. I want to laugh and sing and spiral dance and raise power amongst other people like me who don't think I'm a freak. I worry I'm never going to find that though. Oh well. I've managed to find a lot of beauty in the small things lately. Especially in my daughter and the sweet summer night air. Life is good and the connection I feel with the Goddess is wonderful, even if there's no one who can stand beside me and say "Did you feel that too?"

Well that was a whole lot of nothing! I think I'll hit the sack now.