Why am I here? I have so much to do... but I dunno. I've got my finger up my arse a bit today. Figuratively, of course. Eww.

I'm frustrated with the way the world is. I feel like I don't belong here at all; and that annoys the shit out of me more than anything because my sister is always going on about how she's the black sheep, she doesn't understand the world, she's too nice for this society rah de rah. And I always always think to myself what a load of bullocks and that all people feel that way. I can't count the amount of times I've seen people write on this website that nobody understands them. Do you, dear reader, feel like you fit in? Does anyone out there truly feel like they are normal or whatever?

So the fact that today I'm feeling like some kind of special flower just irritates the shit out of me. But, you have to live with yourself right? So I better just get it out of my system.

For a long time, like a few years now, I've felt a growing unease about my sister's best mate. I kind of feel like I don't like her. Which is fucking wrong, I've never met the woman! And maybe, most likely, Bec would still be the way she is without this chick's influence. But I don't really believe that. It seems to get worse the more they are together. The near obsession with getting old is probably all Bec, but the shallowness? Not so much. The "I'm getting botox with bestie next year!" and the "I look like an uggo in this photo" and "I have to wear eyeliner so I look like I made an effort" and "All the people we went to school with look so much worse than we do, aren't we good?" (Well I was the youngest in my class. I look younger because I am younger. Not that I can tell what half of them actually look like under all the make-up.)The "oh I'm so fat now". Fuck off you are. She might be the heaviest she's ever been (at 49kgs) and as a petite chick myself I know how even a small amount of weight gain can feel gross. I'm 10kgs heavier than I'd like to be. But I'm not blind. I look in the mirror and I know I'm not overweight. My BMI tells me I'm not overweight (but getting there, yeesh.) so I don't go around complaining about how fat I am. (That and I don't want my daughters hearing the role models in their lives pushing this idea that you have to be thin to be worthy.) Don't pull up your shirt, lean forward so you can grab a wrinkle of skin and then bitch to me that you're fat. I'm sorry, but no. When you do that, you just sound like you have an eating disorder.

Which brings me to the food thing. I respect anyone's right to be vegetarian, but there's the right way to do it, and the asshat way to do it. My SIL for example, does it the right way. She's clear that she doesn't eat meat for ethical reasons but never makes you feel bad for eating it in front of her. My sister on the other hand? Always making comments. Always. I'm sorry, I don't care how intelligent pigs are. I care that they don't suffer needlessly before I eat them, but I still intend to eat them. I don't buy cage eggs. I'm cutting down on milk consumption and paying higher prices for more ethical farmers. But I'm not willing to give these things up and I'm not convinced that it is the best choice over-all. There are many ways to eat healthy, not just one way. And by the way Vegan-ism is a way of life, not a diet. Don't tell me you're turning vegan with one breath and then tell me with the next that you don't know if your shampoo is cruelty free.
I'm happy to cook an extra meal, cruelty free, any time one of my vegan/veggie mates comes for dinner, the same way I would for an allergy, but don't sneer at me while I eat this delicious steak.

The beauty stuff is getting to me a lot, on all fronts. Not just the messed up cruelty of the industry because there are ethical products out there, but I've become somewhat of a feminist (now that I know what feminism actually is, because I admit, before I just assumed it was that women are better than men and hating and stuff. Apparently it isn't. Feminism is cool.) and it infuriates me how women think they need this shit. I do wear make-up occasionally. Like for special occasions. I even wore foundation this one time (when I got married). If I'm going on a date/ want to get laid, I'll do my eyes. My Husband feels special when I make the effort. And I do it for job interviews... because it's expected. But the fact it's expected pisses me off. Why is this ok? I mean a guy's face is just his face. If it doesn't have dirt on it and his beard is in some semblance of order then, yay he has a face, who cares? But a woman is unprofessional if she just has a face? Please tell me what is so offensive about an unpainted face? This is my real face. I like my real face. Why is it that I can be judged because I have a clean, normal, face? Moreover, why is everyone ok with this double standard?? (I need to start taking selfies and tagging #thisismyrealface because that shit is obviously a novelty. Except I generally steer clear of selfies. Damn.)

Like the other night Obi and I went to the cast and crew screening of Backtrack (It's an Australian film, but if it makes it overseas or you're Aussie and reading this, it's good. See it.) and I was the only woman there without make up. Ok, I wore mascara. But I mean some of these ladies had it caked on so hard I couldn't even guess what they actually might look like. It went way beyond enhancement, it was a bloody mask. I don't get it. Why is this normal? It makes me so sad.

You know what breaks me most of all? Seeing beautiful old ladies with this shit all over their faces. I just cry on the inside. Why? Why are you hiding something so wonderful? Why are we teaching women that age is this shameful thing that needs to be covered up? Old ladies have the nicest skin. Ok, so it isn't taunt. Move past that. Old lady skin has a special kind of softness. It's interesting. I see mystery, wisdom, good stories, a million smiles. It flows, it rises and falls. It's welcoming. I dunno, I guess I sound like this weird creeper who loves grannies, and I'm not. But I have to say something, somewhere. I need an outlet. I see that beautiful skin and then there's this shit all over it, clogging the cracks like Polly-filler when it's not something that needs to be fixed or hidden. We see old men all the time, and they are allowed to be old. Why aren't women given the same right?

Have we always been so obsessed with how we look? Have we always been so caught up in ourselves? Most of the photos I see of people these days are selfies, and I don't get it. When did we all become so self-absorbed? Why do I have six or seven photos of your face at different angels with varying degrees of duck blowing up my phone? One person on my newsfeed this week has a selfie of himself driving. On the road! (You can see the car in front in his sunnies, very obviously not parked) Dude, WTF is wrong with you? But anyway... I just feel like... why isn't there something more important in people's lives these days? Oh there is, Jesus. Of course.

Which is good. I'm pro whatever faith you want to believe in. But please, do not talk to my two year old about Jesus. When she is old enough to understand the complexities of religion, she can study whichever one she likes, and I'll be there. I'll take her to church and support her on her path. But she's a child right now. Leave her alone. Don't scare her with your horror stories about going to hell and tell her she's doomed because some sick fuck made her imperfect and wants her to now live up to an impossible standard. If you want to believe that, cool. Not my business. But leave my kids to their childhood. (Yes, before someone asks, I do practice religion at home and my children are exposed to it. It underpins who I am and how I live. But I don't think of them as Wiccan, and I don't expect them to follow my religion when/as they grow up, though hey, that'd be cool.) I think mostly I'm just sick of hearing about Jesus because 1) It's Christmas, and Obi's very Christian family are extra pushy this time of year and 2) my balls-to-the-wall atheist half-sister just got saved... because her new boyfriend is Christianity-is-the-only-way-Christian and she's in love and wants to impress him, so she's pushing her new shiny beliefs on everyone HARD. (I assume that will settle down though, it usually does.)

And Santa? I struggle with him too. My sister is very pushy on the Santa front. The kids must like him so she can take them to get Santa photos because they will be scared for life if they don't have these things to look back on. But I'm over here like, no... why are we telling kids that they have to be good at this time of year that is so stressful for us all? A time where their routines are shot to shit, where people they never see want to hold them and kiss them, where they are expected to eat food they might never get at home, expected to sit nicely though shows/movies/plays/whatever that they only half understand and don't care about. Where everyone is making a big deal out of something that looks a lot like commercialism and greed. Where everything that makes them feel secure is missing? You're going to tell my brat that if she isn't good enough she's going to miss out on getting stuff, even though it's the most testing time, even though there's nothing her tiny soul even desires at this point? Uhm, no.

I'm trying to encourage excitement of giving, but I feel like everyone around me is pushing the excitement of getting.

Back to my feminist make up rant. I'm sick of my sister asking when she can paint Owlie's fingernails and telling the kid "I can't wait to put mascara on you". No, she doesn't need lip gloss in her stocking. I'm sure there's a photo of my kid on my profile somewhere for those not on my FB... Isis is beautiful. Heart-stoppingly gorgeous on her best days. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her mum (I hope lol). So.. why? What could she possibly need these products for? Moreover, I don't want her getting the message she needs to be improved. That she's not good-looking enough. It saddens me how young girls truly are when they start obsessing over their looks... and that shit starts at home right?

Re-reading this back for typos I see a common theme. Maybe I just want to protect my brat from things that I can't possibly save her from. Hmm. Crap!

So those are my noodles.
Cliffnotes:
I am sick of shallowness, greed, lying to children, hearing about Jesus and am now a rabid feminist.

Case in point on the feminism: I shaved my pits for Obi's screening the other day, and was actually sad about it. I feel, less womanly? or something. I don't know. lol