I am so tired I can barely function (so this post won't make any sense) but I can't nap this late in the afternoon because that will stop me from sleeping later. While I wait for a second wind that may not actually come I'm going to drink copious amounts of very expensive apple juice and tell you boring facts about my life.

Like I'm sitting here with a stuffed toy cow named Nattoube. Toby comes everywhere with me that I don't take my kids. So, to bed and gym. I'm ridiculously attached to this cow. I'll give it to the baby when the baby is born. I had an owl with Isis. Didn't have anything with Selene, because I was poor as shit. Heh.

Anyway, had the 19 week scan Monday, and I was in the waiting room having this argument with myself:
"This is my last time to wait for a surprise."
"I don't need a surprise, I'll have a baby. I deserve something now to get me through."
"You'll regret not waiting and knowing what waiting is like"
"If the Goddess didn't want me to know, she wouldn't make the knowledge available"
"That's a cop out. You're being a dickhead."
"Obi can tell me later if I change my mind."
"I'm changing it now, we should find out today."

On and on. Thank the Gods we got in 10 minutes early or I might have either gone crazy or peed on the floor.

The tech was like "I have a student watching me today is that alright?" and I'm like "Sure, I have a husband watching me today, is that alright?" Anyway, it was fun. She was, hands down, the best tech we've had. The first morphology I had was pretty decent, the guy was nice. But this chick told us step by step everything she was looking at and measuring. Her printer was broken, so she'd pause her work and let Obi take photos of her screen. Photos I need to get off his phone tonight!
It was great. She asked if we wanted to know the sex and I said really fast "I don't, he does" so that I didn't have a chance to cheat myself. She warned me to close my eyes the 100 times she went down that way, but they just never got a look. FF kept its legs shut the whole time.
While we were in there (it takes like an hour) I fell in love with Obi all over again. He just the happiest most serine look on his face... and I'm like "what are you so happy about?" and he's like "That's my baby in there, of course I'm happy too"
I guess I just forget. I know how much he hates the newborn stage. I know I'm not the easiest pregnant lady to live with either. The whole thing is a bit of an ordeal. So it was reassuring to see that beaming I'm-not-ruining-his-life stuff.

I was surprised though, because they gave me an internal. That didn't happen to me before. It only occurred to me much later that the reason was probably that the last two times I've had male sonos. So I wonder, is that check just really not that necessary, or are they just taking a risk and not offering it when it's a guy doing the exam?

Anyway, everything looks perfect, and I'm so happy! Life treats me well.

Except I'm hormonal as anything. I cried for like four hours straight last night, and the other day, I had an unstoppable crying fit out in public. Humiliating!! Last night I thought I had a reason but today I realise I'm probably just crazy. Poor Obi.

See, we are having our winter solstice party on the weekend and Obi wanted to invite these mates of his. They are always inviting me over when they invite him, desperate to meet me they reckon. So he invites them. The guy was cool, but the wife said they couldn't go because it "made her too uncomfortable to attend a pagan event". The way Obi told me was like he thought it was funny, but you know what? It's not actually as easy as I make it look being completely different from everyone you know. I have feelings too. When I'm pregnant anyway.

Then he went on to tell me he wasn't actually going to eat the dinner I made for him, and I lost it. Apparently he doesn't like quinoa. I've only been cooking it for the past 6 months thinking he liked it. Way to communicate, thanks husband.
Once I'd lost it though I just couldn't calm myself down. I'm also still very sick, and that wasn't helping me not feel like the biggest most useless ugly lump on the planet.

He was sad too, because of things going on with my sister in law.

A while back (4 months?) I mentioned she cheated on her husband of not even a year with some dude. Well, she's now well and truly with that guy. He's 40 and has two kids, one of them is the same age as Selene (so a little more than 1 year.) which means he bailed on his ex when she'd not long had a baby. The first year of a baby's life is gruelling. Once they can sit up (around 7 months for my brats) they are somewhat less of a drain, but still, the first year is an endless marathon. It's a time when you need to work together, even though you hate each other (trust me, there will be times you hate each other) because you know you aren't really your best selves and that once you get a chance to sleep again, really sleep, this will be worth it.

This dude my sister in law is dating, who shall just be known as dude, has the very typical "psycho" ex story. Like every guy who has ever walked out on a woman and his kids.
Let me tell you, all new parents have periodic crazy episodes. Or, I haven't met any that don't anyway. I know I certainly do, even when I'm not pregnant. And SIL has a very obvious pattern with her partners. She doesn't start new relationships she starts with new men in the same place she left off from the last guy. If she was, for example, living with her last boyfriend, she moves in right away with the new one. If engaged, they get engaged right away. Well, she married the last one and started trying for kids, and Obi is terribly worried that she's going to just pick up where she left off, with a man who has no qualms leaving some woman with two very small kids (the eldest recently turned 4).

I'm more concerned over the fact he doesn't want her to work. I've done the abuse and control circuit and that's a red flag right there. They work the same industry and she's coming to the end of her first contract. Instead of working on her resume, and applying for jobs now, he's encouraging her to sit on EI while he "tutors" her and gives her the edge in the industry. Riiiiiight. Because he can't pass on a few tips and tricks on the weekend or after dinner? I'm pretty sure, personally, that what the industry want is people with experience that they can prove. But what would I know? I don't have a career.

So anyway I'm like "Don't say anything to her, she won't listen" but she sent him a whole bunch of messages and that kind of did it for him. He never asked anything, but she just lunched into a defensive spiel about how great he is and how happy they are and all that (Same thing she said about the last arsehole actually but I digress). I'd be like "are you sure you didn't say something to trigger that?" except the other day she did the same thing to me. I complimented her on one of her pictures and she sent me a defensive speech too. Obviously she's defending this relationship to a lot of people OR she's just so used to people judging her romantic choices she just figures it's coming and she should head it off at the pass.

So he wrote her a letter and had a little cry because he just wants the best for her and he's scared for her, and then we went to bed early both feeling like shit. This morning the first thing I see on facebook is a blog she's written about him and how he needs to STFU.

Now, I don't necessarily think he should have said anything to her, but at the same time, I really feel it's uncalled for to publish that in a public blog and then share it to facebook where all their family and mutual friends can enjoy it. I mean, can't you just say it to his face? Have an adult conversation? No. Oh, well never mind then. You know, because he might really care about you? Because he might be losing sleep and missing you and wishing you'd just look at your life and STOP for a moment.

She bases her personality off the person she is with. Her morals, her diet, her clothing, her hobbies - everything. I can see why it worries him. I will have to be super nice to him when he comes home tonight.

I should have started dinner half an hour ago, so I'm off like a sandwich in the sun! Hope life is treating you all well, sorry for all the mistakes I'm sure this has.