**I have to warn everyone that might read this that it's a sad rant. I won't be offended if you don't read it. I don't want to spread the sadness, I just needed to get it out.

"And I wonder if I
Ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one
I'm all alone
And I need you now
Said I wouldn't call
But I lost all control
And I need you now

And I don't know how
I can do without
I just need you now..."

I miss him so much. A month ago we were together. It's already been a month. It's only been a month. Some days I can't decide which sentence is more appropriate. I feel like he was just here. I can still feel his hand in mine. Then again I feel like it's been so long since I kissed him and held him and even longer until I can do it again. I pass the hotel we stayed at for our last night together everyday when I go to work. And it makes me tear up every time. I look at the window where I know our room was and all the emotion comes to the surface.

I feel so lonely. I'm surrounded with my family, and it does help. But then I lay in bed at night alone I think about how much I miss him. And when I'm at work, when no one is asking me questions or chatting with me about plans for the holidays the smile slips off my face and I think about how much I miss him. I wish I could stop thinking about it. I know it would help to just stay distracted. I don't know if it's the season or the fact that our visit is so fresh in my mind or the fact that we just passed our first anniversary and we couldn't even be together, but I'm just having a hard time. And he can see it. He keeps saying that if it's too much we can take a break and blah blah blah. But that wouldn't help. That'd be replacing one problem with another. And he's not saying that because he doesn't want to be with me, he just hates that he can't make it better.

He told me today that he wants us to be married before he's 26. That's 3 years. I've never really put a date on when I wanted to get married. I knew I didn't want it to be now, but I was kinda just waiting to see when he'd be ready. And if I was too, then great. I think I can handle 3 years. I can handle being in this relationship, I know I can. It's just difficult, as everyone in an LDR knows. And some days you have to whine about it a bit.

If you read all that... well thanks. I hope I didn't spread the sad.