I am totally fed up of being ill. I didn't ask for bipolar and I've had enough of it.

I do everything I can to educate myself about the illness, instil into my life all the behaviour changes that are supposed to make a difference. I have changed my diet to include more Omega-3 as there is some evidence this works, I go to meditation classes and practice mindfulness as again there is a lot of beneficial evidence for this, I keep journals of my feelings, attend therapy groups, take time for relaxation, have a structured day etc etc etc.....if there is some even slight chance something may work I try it. Alongside this I have to accept that there is something biochemically wrong with my brain, for whatever reason it doesn't produce the chemicals it should and in the correct amounts so I accept I need medication.

If I'm off my medication no matter what I try to do to control it, I lose touch with reality, I see and hear things, I spend excessively and I make impulsive decisions that have long repercussions. I don't seem to be able to control these without medication. So medication it is...the problem is which one.

I've tried the common ones but they all come with side effects and some just don't seem to work for me. The odd thing about bipolar medication is that they aren't entirely sure how it works! So it can be a huge trial and error finding a suitable regime.

A few weeks ago the doctors added in a new drug that they thought might work, I reluctantly agreed to take it as one of the big side effects is weight gain - it messes with your metabolism and blood sugar levels so you put on weight really quickly. However, it may have meant that I could reduce some of my other drugs that have nastier side effects. A bit of weight, I can cope with the vanity. So I got all prepared, put myself on a strict diet based on long lasting carbs to keep my blood sugar level as constant as possible.

Problem is, I seem to have reacted to it it has been about three weeks now and the confusion and disorientation is getting worse. Last night at 2am I called my SO and had a very rambly conversation that I have no recollection of and he is really concerned about me. This morning in the bank I couldn't even remember how to fill in a cheque, I looked at it completely blankly and had absolutely no idea what to do, it was terrifying as I knew I should know what to do but it was like my mind wiped. I also keep mixing up words in sentences when I'm talking and have noticed this getting worse. I have just spoken to my doctor who says I have to stop the tablets immediately, apparently this is a very rare side effect but if not stopped I could have lasting damage. Great! No-one warned me of this!! To make it worse I'm now going to go through withdrawal for 48hours whilst the medication gets out of my system so could be dizzy, nauseous and shakey. Then I go back to the doctors on Thursday to start a new one.

Just fed up of medication, fed up of having a seemingly incurable illness without having to go through other side effects