So now, I'm not really sure about anything, and it's scary as hell. I've started studying Law, but it's a distance course so I could go back to Argentina and still study there, but there's assignments and stuff every week, so we wouldn't be able to travel around like we want to (unless there's internet of course). I've got a job as a substitute teacher/TA, and I'm finally making money for myself that I can save and eventually get an apartment for. And it would suck, honestly, to leave it now that I've just gotten it. I was raised to take care of myself and not rely on other people, and it feels so good not to have to ask my parents about money all the time and have money that I have earned myself, you know?
On the other hand, my boyfriend and my dog is on the other side of the planet. And that sucks big time as well, especially now that I don't know when I'll see them again. It's tearing on both my SO and me, since we both sort of expected us to be together soon again, and I feel terrible for "changing" our plans, even though they were just discussions. But the fact of the matter is that, over there, I can't really do anything at the moment. I can't work, I don't know the language well enough to just go out and meet people and I just... It feels like at the moment, my place to be is here. I've always dreamed about going abroad, about living in another country. But doing it at age 19 with no education and no work experience seems a bit drastic.
Here, I can get a proper education that's sort of looked after in other countries. I can get a job to save money, and add stuff to my CV. I have my friends and family here for support when things are rough. I know how things work. If I'd move there now, it would take a couple years before I could even begin my education, and I feel like I want to just "be done" with that sooner rather than later. If I start studying here in Sweden this autumn, I'll be done and ready to work/move/whatever when I'm ca. 25 years old. If I were to move to Argentina now instead, I wouldn't be done until I'm in my 30's, and meanwhile, I have no idea what I'd spend my time doing over there. Sure, I could get a work-visa and try to find a job, but once again I don't know the language well enough - and barely anyone speaks English so chances are slim I'd even find something.
Ugh. I don't know. It just sucks to have to choose between my "personal future" and the love of my life. You have no idea how badly I want to go back to Argentina, but then there's also that tiny voice that tells me that it makes more sense not to at the moment. I mean, what if something were to happen to us in like, 5 years? I would stand there without an education or anything to lean back on if I went back to Argentina now and stayed there for a year, two years. While if I stay here at the moment, it would mean longer time before we can close the distance, but if something happened to the two of us, I would be able to take care of myself.
God, I sound extremely egoistical in this blog. It's also very rambly, so sorry for that! And I'm also not sure if it even made sense. But oh well!
Blergh. Why do long distance relationships have to be so complicated?
Dzi: He does live in a very "off" area, so chances for work are very small to begin with. Either working at a farm, in a shop or as a waitress would be my options, really, and that takes language skills as well.
Tooki: I'm hoping there will be! Depends on what school I get into. But I'm hoping there will be, it would make things a tad easier anyways!