In need of some serious advice...

Alle1770 started a blog post In need of some serious advice...
April 1, 2014, 02:22 PM
In need of some serious advice...

I think my SO and I might be on the verge of a break-up. I never thought I'd say that, but these past couple of days have just been hell, and I don't know how much more of it I can take. As some of you might know, I decided to stay back here in Sweden a bit longer because I missed my family and my friends, and I got a job. Well, he said that he was supportive of my decision but "I have the feeling you're deciding to stay longer because you didn't have a good time here and because you don't love me, and won't come back". I told him that was silly, that I love him and that I had a great time (which I did!). We had a huge argument about it, that he is insecure about me finding some other guy over here, that he is bummed out about me getting a job which means we can't talk as much (at the same time as he wants me to get an apartment and a driver's license. But he'd rather not I worked, because that takes time from our talking ), that he is bummed out because I seem to have fun (going out with friends ect.) while all of his friends are 2 hours away by plane and he doesn't really enjoy his job.... The list goes on.

Anyway, as you might also know, I booked a 4-day trip to London a couple weeks back. I am (or was) super-stoked about it because I'll be meeting a friend of several years whom I haven't actually met. Well, she is bisexual and has a girlfriend since 1,5 years back, and apparently this ticked my SO off to no end. When I told him I'd be staying with her, he basically flipped and said that I was going to cheat on him, that he "won't be comfortable knowing she's bisexual and having you two alone in one place, I won't know what will happen between you two and there's no way of me knowing" to which I flipped. We've been together for 3 years, and I have never as much as thought of cheating on him! Secondly, I'm as heterosexual as one can be, and I have no sexual interest in girls what so ever. This girl is a long-time friend of mine, I'm not going to jump into bed with her the minute I see her just because she happens to be bisexual! Apparently he was also uncomfortable because I'd be in a new town with people he'd never met, and that he didn't know what was going to happen, that he would feel more comfortable if I was meeting people he knew already, so he knew what their intentions were. I was just dumbstruck. How the hell am I supposed to meet new people and new friends if I can't meet people I haven't met before??

I told him that that's never going to happen, and he said that "how would you feel if I stayed with a gay man for 3 days?" to which I replied that it wouldn't bother me the slightest, because I trust him not to cheat on me, I know he wouldn't cheat on me, and I know he's straight as well. But apparently he knew I was going to be uncomfortable with it. Sure, go ahead and tell me how I should feel now, too.

Then the other day I told him about this dream I've been having for a long time, of travelling around the world by motorbike, car, regular bikes or whatever. I told him that because I thought it would be fun to do together, somethign that would be awesome if it was a possibility. And instantly he starts telling me what a ridiculous idea it is, how much money it would cost, that I have to be realistic and move on with my life and not think of silly things such as that.

I was just blown away. He's never been this negative and degrading before. But these past couple of weeks, everything I've done has been wrong. I started the gym and he said that was good, then two weeks later (when I passed a gym session because I had to study) tells me "Oh I knew this was going to happen, everyone gives up after two weeks, just wait and you won't go to the gym at all anymore". Really, dude? Way to be encouraging about things. One Sunday I made the mistake of saying "Ugh, don't want to get up for work tomorrow!" and got a lecture about how it was my own choice to start working and that I have to suck it up. Of course it was my own freaking choice, but does that mean I can't be tired on Sunday evenings?!

We just got out of a huge argument that's been going on since the whole travelling-thing last night, involving a loooong discussion about the London-deal. I told him I was really hurt that he'd even think I'd cheat. I told him it hurt when he talked down on my dreams. I told him that I'm 19, I want to travel and experience things and meet other people, I want to see the world and realize that life maybe isn't that easy, things you know when you're 25-35. Things you learn with time. I don't want to get them handed to me now, to be told there's no point in trying, to be told it can't be done. But apparently that pissed him off even more, and he started guilt tripping me by saying:

"Sure, forget about the fact that I brought you a dog you could spend time with. Forget about the fact that I traveled there 6 times to be with you. Forget about the fact that I work for money so we can see each other. And sorry for being so fucking selfish I wanted to spend my time with the person I love, I really fucked up on that one (meaning me deciding to stay and not going back straight away)."

Then he logged of Skype and Facebook. I have his cellphone number but I'm just so mad, exhausted, down, sad and feeling useless that I can't muster up calling him. I know I'm not good with talking over the phone in arguments, and I'll probably just be quiet listening to him saying all this stuff again, and then ending up apologizing.

I know there's two sides to every story, but I've just been feeling so bossed around and talked down to for so long. I don't know what to do any more. I thought he was the love of my life, but now I'm no longer sure. And he has my dog - if we were to break up I'd never see him again. His negativity is rubbing off on me, and I haven't felt happy in a very long time. Are we just going through a rough patch or do we have issues?

Is it worth it to keep fighting or is this a war that's already over?
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5 comments
- #3
  
  lucybelle commented
  
  April 1, 2014, 05:35 PM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  I'm sorry to stereotype, but a lot of this behavior is very machista. Is his household machista? Dad controlling of mom? Or dad controlling of daughters? This jealous and controlling behavior, to me, is very characteristic of a Latino machista man who wants his woman where he can keep his eye on her. My friend has a machista boyfriend who is constantly worried about where she is, who she's with and what she's doing. She went on a trip with me and he was convinced I was a man and she was cheating on him with man-me. Did you ever go places by yourself while in Argentina? How did he react then?
  
  I don't know that men can un-learn machismo. Try to think about his actions when you were together, did they hint towards this? If he's not a machista, I think your relationship could still be salvageable if you both WANT it to be.
- #4
  
  Alle1770 commented
  
  April 2, 2014, 02:20 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Sweetie, I've said this to you before and I'll say it again: this is ridiculous. This is not the way someone treats the person that they love. You are so intelligent and ambitious and wonderful and you deserve so much better. I know it's a hard decision to come to, but I think you would just be so much better off without him.
  
  I know, and thank you for listening to my rants over and over again I still don't know what to do, we're on non-speaking terms right now it seems... The more I think about it, the more it seems like we won't work out in the long run, but I don't know. We'll see.
  
  2 things: some of his negativity could just be from fear of losing you or just from being long distance. This does not give him the right to be rude though. His ridiculing your dreams is another thing. Your SO should be te one who supports your dreams, even if they think they are crazy! A good SO isn't a dream-crusher. I'm sorry you're going through this
  
  Part of his negativity is definitely coming from that, and I more than understand and accept that. It's all the other things surrounding his negativity that has just made it a pain to keep this going, really. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate it loads
  
  I'm sorry to stereotype, but a lot of this behavior is very machista. Is his household machista? Dad controlling of mom? Or dad controlling of daughters? This jealous and controlling behavior, to me, is very characteristic of a Latino machista man who wants his woman where he can keep his eye on her. My friend has a machista boyfriend who is constantly worried about where she is, who she's with and what she's doing. She went on a trip with me and he was convinced I was a man and she was cheating on him with man-me. Did you ever go places by yourself while in Argentina? How did he react then? I don't know that men can un-learn machismo. Try to think about his actions when you were together, did they hint towards this? If he's not a machista, I think your relationship could still be salvageable if you both WANT it to be.
  
  Eh, sterotyping is fine sometimes. I actually have no idea if they're machista, his mom died years ago and he doesn't have any sisters, so it's just him, his brother and his dad. His dad is the most amazing person I've met, I don't think he'd even hurt a fly. He has a girlfriend that gets to do whatever she wants, and he even brings her food when she's hungry (even though there's literally a 20 second walk to the fridge). So I don't think his family in general are machista, but that doesn't mean he isn't I suppose. He has hinted of having very "oldschool" views on relationships, like the woman staying home and cooking basically, which I get. He's from a different culture and was raised a different way, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that I probably won't be able to live that way. And he has a hard time accepting that I want to make a life and a career, so we're sort of at a stand still there. So I suppose he has some machista-tendencies, but I don't know. We just seem to differ on so many fundamental things that I don't know if we can make it in the long run.
- #5
  
  CynicalQuixotic commented
  
  April 2, 2014, 02:22 AM
  
  Editing a comment
  
  Anytime, dear, you don't have to thank me.
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In need of some serious advice...