I need intimacy. I had a super low libido when on my birth control and other hormones, but since quitting them I a.) feel SO much better, and b.) want sex. My SO hasn't known me to be a sex crazy chick, and it has definitely thrown him for a loop. Unfortunately, I am also a major scaredy-cat with tons of negative triggers and I feel broken and a little worthless. (I know this is ridiculous, I do; however, that doesn't keep me from feeling it.)
My SO has been so very sweet about the whole thing: going at my pace (or slower), being careful and understanding. He is pretty low key (or comes off that way; maybe it is him adjusting to me) when it comes to wanting sex. He is happy just to have intimacy in conversation or cuddling. I like that too, but...
He has terrible self esteem regarding his weight... I have been there, really. My weight and attitude has fluctuated from not eating to eating terribly. I am at a pretty happy medium now, just need to tone up some more. I still get touchy about food, so I do understand where he is coming from and he knows that (or claims to). He is heavier. Not obese, but he does carry extra weight. I have never cared - he is beautiful, wonderful, and I find him sexy! I have always tried to be as supportive as I can in him getting healthier, because I know I expect the same, and I want him to be happy. This insecurity is stabbing my wannabe sex life in the throat, though.
He doesn't like me touching him much recently. We will get a little closer sometimes and start to go somewhere: sometimes it ends in me "giving" something - which I love to do and feel comfortable with - or me crying because something on my end is going wrong. I get scared easily, things tend to hurt, maybe because I'm failing to relax...or, I wonder, if it is because of something medical.
I am scared to go to a GYN - 'what if something IS wrong?' That's an awful way to go about thinking of things! I have never had an STD test, for example, and wonder if I should. I don't imagine I would be positive, but the idea of it frightens me beyond logical explanation. I know I NEED to go. I need to do something about this. I need to get over my embarrassment. I need to get over all of my fears: I feel such a wuss.
Ugh, I just don't know what to do with all of this. Writing kind of helped, and equally slapped me in the face with everything. (I truly hope I wasn't too icky, I tried to edit myself - I could probably ramble and cry some more for a good long while).
I should get to sleep though.....it's almost midnight and I have a lot to do tomorrow. My SO is wiser and went to bed already, suppose I could join him.
On the gyn thing, every time I feel scared about going I hear an old advertising slogan in my head going "You can't die from embarrassment but you can die from cancer". Now you can imagine me saying that to you in a bogan Aussie accent.
If that makes sense.
Besides, it's not that likely you have an STI. Or anything else wrong with you. Maybe your gearbox is just getting weird because of going off the pill. But, like a car, you need to have maintenance done. Go in, get your oil checked... tell the GYN your vag makes a weird pinging noise...
If something is wrong, they'll run some tests and tell you how to fix it. Just like having the flu or a weird rash. No biggie
With the other issues, just keep talking it out with him, and give it some time. It can be hard for the menfolk to catch up to us when our bodies change the rules.
Hang in there! I hope you get mighty laid soon