I'm at a cross-roads of sorts, and need to write it out, so I'm taking advantage of this space. "Cross-roads" sounds too simple, though; I'm feeling more like this guy:

In any case, I've been ruminating on my thoughts since the beginning of this year, I guess. That doesn't seem like very long to me, but I am a classic over-thinker: I need to talk things out, even if it is as simple as "why did they suggest we meet at this restaurant?" Today I saw an HGTV renovation show while sitting in a waiting room and it got me thinking about how, essentially, I want to "flip" my life. It isn't quite a fixer-upper, but I'm not quite where I want to be.

Beginning with my job(s)...yikes. I have one that is now down to solely volunteer work, as they don't have the budget to fund more than the two main employees. I know, it sounds ridiculous. It is through an art gallery that is all about local art and art in the community, and as one of two performance art people there, I feel a little obligated to stick around. Thankfully I only have to work when I can/want to. Other jobs I was holding in the past year have been seasonal, temporary, etc, and one I'm sure will be offered back to me, but at the moment are run dry.

My main job is retail oriented and absolutely rough. I like to believe I'm pretty flexible when it comes to working with people I don't necessarily like or get along with, but WOW. I honestly have difficulty and anxiety about going to work on days I know my boss will be there. I wasn't her biggest fan in the beginning, but in the past few months, as a team of employees we have learned FAR too much about her personal life, and light has really been shed on her [utter lack of] managerial skills. I've toyed with quitting before, but been turned off the idea when I don't get responses to job applications I've turned in elsewhere. Now, however, this is getting too extreme and I need to go. I think that when I go in tomorrow, I will be giving notice. I've never outright quit a job for no other reason than hating it before. It sounds irresponsible, but I can't stand this any longer.

Meanwhile I plan on having some copies of my resume printed and doing some cold calls. That's another thing I've never done, but I'm excited for it. I'll have to wear my 'interview underwear.' (Just kidding, I don't have any. Hmmm... I can think of what COULD earn that title!)

Of course, all this renovation talk has been work-oriented so far. I also have some plans in place for my fitness, and my teeth (that sounds random, but I am so self conscious of them!), etc, etc. The only really-really-big thing I have yet to mention is my relationship.

I don't know what to say about it. I have this lowly, jagged feeling that in all these changes of work and education and lifestyle, my SO is not the right fit for me. Actually, I know he isn't, and it breaks my heart. Now, especially, as he is suffering through a nasty depression, and all the havoc that has brought through his life. I know it is unfair to stay in a relationship simply for the sake of the other person (and we have no children, etc) but I know it would crush him, and I'm scared to do that. I don't want to lose my best friends, between him, and both his brother and sister, who have become some of my closest companions. I know what I need to do, I suppose, but I (cue overthinking) keep wondering if this is the right decision. It seems so sudden to me.

Out of the blue, I'm making my own decisions and that frightens me.

I'm not sure what I was trying to get to with all of this, just a vent and a plan and space it out. It was nice.Thanks for reading or glancing if you did. Here's a picture of a minutes-old foal to make up for it!