I can't really tell anyone in real life...my mother already knows, but many of my friends are OUR friends, and it's way too soon. So here I am typing. Listening to a pathetic "break up" playlist, but some of this music is good, so I'll say it's for the musicianship and not wallowing. ...It's completely to wallow.

Yesterday was the day I chose. I didn't know he'd be coming home with flowers and chocolate. He had gone ring shopping, but didn't know my size. I couldn't have picked a better day to look like a douche.

I think I did a good job explaining myself. I never put him down, just discussed us going in different directions. It wouldn't be fair to continue. He seemed to take it pretty well. But not once did he say no. He never disagreed. That sounds good written - he probably saw this coming, but I was the first to break the news. But the narcissist in me wanted him to beg and plead; tell me how much I'm needed and wanted. I'm a masochist in that way.

Things were calm. We talked through how we would tell important people. My relationships with his family members are all shot (as expected) and I never got to say goodbye. Narcissism again: I just want to tell them I love them... I wonder what of mine is still at his parents' house.

Then we kissed. I knew it was a bad idea, but I love him. But he got greedy. Soon he was asking if he should find a condom. No, no, I insisted it was a terrible plan, breakup sex. So he started weeping.

That's not to say there hadn't been crying on both ends before: there was, but it was contained. This was the scariest part. He wanted to go out and run some errands (and probably buy some cigarettes, which I had a strong aversion towards). I went out for a walk despite it being freezing cold. We were going to sleep in the same bed for the night, try to retain some normalcy or some sick thing like that. But when I got back he reminded me he had an overnight shift, so I want to bed alone and tearful.

This morning I went to work. I got a text from his mother. I don't know what to do about that.

Now I'm at my mom's house, eating ice cream. I feel worn out. I know I have a lot more to work out, but right now I just want to sit in silence and think about moving at all.

I would proof read this but that's too much like trying and I'm a loser with run on sentences and so many responsibilities to ignore at the moment.