Long story short, we got back together. I was very scared of the things that could happen, of whatever changes would NOT happen. But I needed the closure I hadn't had before. I needed to bathe myself in the fail fall that was this relationship.
It was not my point here to talk about this relationship, but it had so much to do with my current LDR that I can't avoid talking at least a bit about it*. I can't ignore it and I can't wish it never happened, because, as I came to know later, it was a big part of why there was even a chance for me and my current girlfriend.
In that_other_relationship we weren't starting from scratch and I had changed a lot from the first time me and T (the_ex) were together. My tastes had changed, my way of dealing with people was forced, I had become a lot more selfish and at the same time I didn't give 2 shits if she started acting the way I didn't want, the way I didn't like.
During that time I made promises I didn't keep (and regreted making them as soon as I made them), but I still believed she was the one and was just not acting accordingly. I thought she had to change, and maybe she thought I had to change too. I'd talk to my dear LD friend about it and she'd get me. SHE'd get me. Not the one who was supposed to get me. To be honest, I didn't even try to talk to T about my problems because I already expected that she wouldn't understand and as I already had someone who supported me, I didn't want to waste_my_time explaining why such things affected me so much.
Truth be told, I was increasingly going the_friend's way without even noticing. During that time I started being the beta reader of her fanfics. That made us become even closer. She'd e-mail me her texts and I'd read, correct if necessary and send her my reactions. We'd mostly chat during it all so she'd get the reactions first hand and all. Which would start conversations abuot our personal lives at some times.
Every little thing that had to do with the fandom I'd already have people to talk to about. So why spend time explaining and introducing T to a subject that I knew she wouldn't like? I had people who I'd just say a name or a ship and they'd type lines and lines in reply.
Fandom things continued happening while more personal things happened too.
I must add I'd always been a mama's girl. Never had a job up to that point and was just """""studying""""". I didn't want to work unless necessary. My parents gave me money to go out with the_gf and even if they didn't for one reason or another, she'd pay for me. Whatever we decided to do, she'd pay.
I was spoiled and didn't feel that way. I always wanted more from her. And she always wanted more from me. Things that were not in my control. She'd talk about the future a lot and at that point I was the opposite of ready to seriously decide anything.
We were both delusional about the relationship and we hung on too long.
During all this broken relationship, there was my LD friendship. I'd open my webcam for her and we'd talk a lot. She didn't have a webcam then.
One day it was BR VDay (June 12th) and I wanted to show her my outfit. I was dressed up to go out with the_gf and I was very excited, because it'd be the first time we'd stay together for a night. When I remember this, I pity my then very good friend. I learned later that she already had feelings for me then and I NE_VER noticed.
Truthfully, she'd flirt a lot with me. But I never took it seriously. For many reasons: She was straight, I had someone, we were miles and miles away, we were friends, we'd talk about many things I'd never talked with anyone about... I just didn't see her that way. I always thought she was pretty, but I'd only seen half her face on msn avatars, so I could've been VERY_WRONG.
Oh, I was not. When she first IM'd me a picture of her full face, I blushed. I blushed HARD. I thought she was really pretty. She had very strong, yet delicate features. Outstaindng. She'd catch my attention in a crowd. But she also had a weak chin. It is the one_thing that I notice to be a pattern in all the girls I've had crushes. A weak chin makes me weak in the knees.
We honestly would talk about any subjects, from politics to animes, from differing educational systems between our countries to fandoms, to disturbing mangas on 4ch. I had the_best time with her.
I don't remember her talking much about difficulties in her relationship, but I had many complaints about mine and she was one of the 2 people I'd talk to. (Mind you, the 2nd one was NOT the_then_gf, it was another LD friend who's still my friend).
I would complain about arguments we'd have, talk about plans that we'd make, things we'd done. I even talked to her about s-e-x. I know, I was clueless and careless. I appologize.
One day, I don't remember why, I dyed my hair blonde. Now, I don't remember if it was before or after that VDay, but I wanted to show her and my other friend first hand. As I already said, I saw her strictly as a friend, so I had little difference between her and Ingrid (the other LD friend). I'd tell both of them about my problems, the difference was that she was the one to give more attention to me.
Anyway, as I was saying, the day I opened my webcam to show her my hair was fun. She said she'd stare at me and when other msn windows would blink, she wouldn't notice because there was something shiny she wanted to focus on. It was me
. She'd tell other people about this shiny thing she had her eyes on. And I had NO_OOO clue. My denseness amazes me to this day. It was all there and I didn't see.
On another day I came home really frustrated about that relationship. We'd argued about some stupid thing and I didn't call her when I got home, and T never texted nor called. So, of course I thought it was over. We were very much like that. We'd break up for nothing and she'd call me early in the morning to TALK_about it. We'd end up forgiving each other and my poor friends would've heard me complain for no reason.
But this friend was different. She'd really talk to me and pay attention to what I had to say. So this day I came home and skyped her, saying I was single. But I didn't sound happy about it. We talked for hours and she told me I was like a small fish in an aquarium. That this small fish, if moved to a pond, would grow to a beautiful carp.
Meaning that I was stuck in a relationship I didn't like, but was holding on to for no rational reason and if I just let go, I'd be much happier.
Of course she wanted to get into my pants but did I see it? Guess.
I found it very thoughtful and sweet of her to say that. In reality, I had a little crush on her, but frankly? She_was_straight_and_had_a_boyfriend. That was all I'd have for her: a crush. Intelectual crush.
[END OF PART 2]
trivia: I'm forgetting many details, but I'll leave it at that cause it's been over 3 years and a memory only goes so far. I hope to be writing most things that happened.
Next: Our late night webcam transmitions and the_first video conference where we saw each other at the same time.
*writes a whole chapter about it. Well done, scumbag_brain