I hate coming out with things like this but I have so many pent up emotions I needed an outlet. So sorry to anyone that might read this :/

Life has been pretty hellish recently. It's times like this where you start to feel really alone and hate everything an LDR is, wishing I could just cuddle up to my guy and pretend everything was okay.

After coming back from my second visit last month my mum sat me down and told me that she had being having hospital appointments for an ongoing spinal issue (which I knew) but that during her last CT scan to determine whether she could have surgery they found a mass hiding behind her spine. It's going to be something like 3 months before she can even set up an appointment to get a biopsy on the mass to figure out what it is. I'm trying not to think about it because it could be anything from a normal cyst to cancer and we just don't know.

The next thing, people around might have heard about this but about a 30 min/45 min drive from where I live in my County there was a horrible plane crash last Saturday. It killed 11 people. I don't know any of the victims personally but it' something that has devastated the communities in the area. My Dad is working very closely with the support teams at the site because he deals with the roads, signs and diversions for traffic. He had to visit the scene the other day and it's awful knowing what happened to everyone.

The last thing, something that I desperately try to forget but won't ever go away is that in 2 weeks time it will have been 2 years since my first boyfriend was murdered in an arson attack on his flat.

Everything together with me trying to find work and struggling with health issues myself I'm having a hard time of it. I don't want to sit here at the end of the day unloading everything onto my boyfriend and making us both sad so I just hold it in.

Tonight I let it out and I'm going to be mean but my boyfriend sounds so unsympathetic when we message, I know with a voice call or in person it would be different. The only thing I want is a cuddle, to be held and told that everything is okay and that I can deal with it, instead we are oceans apart and I'm sitting on my own crying.

Everything seems to happen when we aren't together and we miss out on the physical support, the visit seems like a worlds away now, the next one is a future away.