I know I am not the most perfect girl, alright?
But I have been trying my best. I really have.

I know I seek more attention that might be considered normal, but I have been trying my best to understand you. I have been patiently waiting for you even when you have been playing games, let alone be studying. And you blame me for not seeing you needed something even at times when you hadn't told me?
I have been trying to be as understanding as possible during our misunderstandings, I know I often exaggerate stuff, but I tried my best to calm myself down. And I you tell me I fail to understand your feelings and habits? Do you ever try to understand mine?
I have been telling you all this time that no matter how right I am about something I often fail to put them in actions, and that I struggle with it. And now you put spear in me for that? Did you seriously blame me for messing up your schedule as well, when you knew we were equally responsible? Was it my fault you never were responsible enough to go to study instead of talking to me? And you know all that affected me worse, far far worse. Did you seriously throw at my face that you are graduating and you need time for yourself? When I have been trying to my best not to get in the way of you and support you as much as possible? I said I would even be okay with you not talking me more than few (2-3) days a week, and you got mad because you though I was questioning your abilities to deal with your own schedule, and that you would sacrifice your work if it came to that so that you wouldn't have to talk to me only few days a week?
I don't give you enough space? Maybe. But this is how I work, I require attention, and I need someone to tell me if I am doing something too much. And I always ask you to if I am doing something too much, but I guess that doesn't matter for you.
I always try to blame you and guilt trip you? Seriously? I tried my best to convince myself everything was both of our faults, I always did. Do you take it as guilt tripping when I try to point out things that hurt me? Even after I always say how it was not as bad or how I exaggerated whenever I do so? When I try my best to make you feel as little guilty as possible?
And did you seriously say I think of you as a therapist? You were for 2 years and I hated that the most, you were someone I always felt the most comfortable with and I always loved you as a person very very much. But I always felt guilty for our one sided friendship. I had even said, he's the only friend I won't ever fall for, because he well never open up with me. But you did, after I initiated it, and you fell in love with me just as much I did with you. I know I took a lot of time from you but don't think for a second I don't have my own life, or that talking so much with you didn't take so much valuable time from me. But I thought it was all worth for you, I loved every new thing I got to know about you, and I am honest to god, I wanted to make you feel as equal as possible. Maybe I don't have natural talent for that but if I really suck at making you feel comfortable, it hurts me too much myself to be able to take your hate just like that. You tell me I motivate you to deal with your own problems and flaws and insecurities. And yet right now you hate me for everything I do or I am. And you tell me you held back? How much you must hate me if that was holding back.
I told you I wanted some emotional stability for a while, it was so good past few days. But I become stressed and you fail to deal with it like always. Yes I do something wrong, and I can take you being mad when I deserve it, but this much hate? No it's not normal. Did you keep everything again despite promising me that you wouldn't? Do you really want to make me happy or make things work? Or does that stop the moment I don't do something you like or something that makes you mad?
Considering how much you have told me I mean to you, I only asked for an hour to spend with me because I was feeling awful and I know, I freaking know, it wasn't right for me to do it and especially the way I did, but before taking a nap, you did make it sound like you wanted to be there for me, and that I was imagining things when I thought you didn't mean that and wanted to work all day. You convinced me, relaxed me and then told me that you were going to do exactly that after you saw I had calmed down? Do you expect stressed me not to react to that?
And especially after you start being harsh and tell me I need to deal with my own life on my own and not depend on you when you have other things to do? You told me I expect you to postpone things for me all the time and you have your own life and your own priorities? You yourself told me that if I was ever feeling down you wanted to be there for me, you wanted to help me and you wanted me to depend on you. And yet, when did I blame you before today for not being able to do it? Heck, when did I directly ask you to do it for me? You did it cause you wanted to, cause you loved me. But I guess everything changes when I am stressed and when I make you feel mad. Every little thing you are okay with before comes to surface and you throw it in my face, like I am some kind of monster. At least you weren't mean before, even though I had to endure your coldness for a day or two before you told me what was wrong. How am I supposed to feel okay with you keeping things like that and piling it up and then using them like that? How am I supposed to ever trust that you are honest to me? How am I supposed to believe any positive thing you say anymore? How am I supposed to think that our lovely relationship is just a lie and you secretly hate me for everything I am? This is way beyond exhausting. I have an exam in a week, the most important one to me. I know how much I care about it, but on top of not understanding it, which I have accepted more than once already, you lash out on me like that instead. I did something wrong? So what? I am a human being, I have flaws, and you are my partner and best friend to help me improve in them, to point them out slowly, not to hate me for it and spill hate on me, after saying so many times that you love me for what I am and accept all my flaws and want to understand it? How am I supposed to trust your words?
I hate myself so much right now for loving you so much. I am a bit cruel maybe, but I want you to feel guilty soon enough so that I can be there for you, I don't know how much it will take you to calm down though.
This is unhealthy though, so unhealthy, despite not wanting to lose you, I won't take this for too long. I know you are stressed out as well, I know why you'd feel that way, I swear I do, but I still don't find it justifiable. I am sorry.