Hi, anyone who is reading this! I've missed this place a lot and I'm sorry to have been away from it for as long as I was. This post will explain a bit of what was going on for me.

So... a lot has changed for me in the past few months. I quit my job (it was a pretty dysfunctional workplace - boss was often publicly intoxicated, lots of bullying between colleagues, etc) and I decided to take my savings and go down to visit my SO for a couple of months. I thought that not only would it be a nice vacation for me after several stressful years, but also a good way to sort of dip my toes into the idea of moving down there permanently one day, and seeing how we worked together in a CD relationship. I thought a lot about this plan for many months before finally taking the leap and officially quitting my job, and had come to the conclusion that I wasn't being too irresponsible or foolish. I was feeling confident and excited - that this was the right thing to do.

A couple of weeks after I quit my job and just before I was due to fly down, the relationship hit a pretty major bump. I won't go into it here because we did eventually talk through it, but it was a big enough deal that we did nearly break up. Even though we worked it out, I will admit that it had shaken my confidence quite a bit and I think that may have set the stage for what came next.

Rather than being a fun vacation, the two months I spent in the US were very difficult for me.

I experienced a lot of anxiety and depression, issues that I've struggled with for a very long time but which I had worked really hard on to improve. Though I had loved visiting my SO's home in the past and had felt at ease there, for some reason things were very different this time around. I had made a careful budget and had more than enough money to cover my expenses, but I think not having a source of income made me feel vulnerable and worthless, and fearful of the future instead of excited. My self confidence plummeted and I isolated myself, afraid to venture out on my own other than to buy groceries or walk on the beach. I hated that I didn't know where anything was, or how to get anywhere, and was so worried that people would be angry at me if I drove too slowly (everyone drives so fast in Massachusetts!). I've never been a nervous driver but I suddenly found myself afraid to drive because I was not familiar with the streets. I got mad at myself for not being more outgoing or adventurous in exploring what was supposed to be my future home. Everyone had been so supportive and excited for me to do this, and I felt like I had let them all down because I wasn't having enough fun. That thought, of course, just made my anxiety much worse.

I got alternately really emotional (I burst into tears in bed one night after meeting some of my SO's friends for the first time) and very distant and silent, unable to vocalize any of the thoughts and feelings I was having because I was so ashamed of them. All of the creative projects I had promised myself I would work on came to nothing - I felt like I had no spirit at all in me, and I spent my days obsessively cleaning the house, walking on the beach, and sitting alone while my SO was at work. I hardly spoke to my friends and family back in Canada because I didn't want to let them know what was really happening. I felt like I had nobody - not even myself, because I felt I hardly knew this anxious, tearful little housewife I had suddenly become. Things just did not seem to be working out at all the way I had imagined they would.

Had I made a terrible mistake in coming here, in making these huge changes to my life? What if I couldn't handle living in the USA, what if I never got any better and remained like this? Did my SO deserve to be with someone with these problems? Did I deserve to put myself through this - was this some sort of sign than I shouldn't be here? I fought with these fears daily. I tried really hard to be compassionate with myself and give myself credit for even being there and trying to change my life this way. Most people would never do what I did - quit a decent job and up stakes to try something totally different with no guarantee of success. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't an idiot for taking this chance on the unknown. That being sad or scared or unsure didn't mean I was a bad person. That I was doing the best I could. Some days I believed it, and those were good days.

I'm due to return for another month-long visit in February. We're going to meet with a lawyer and hopefully start the K-1 visa process so I can move down there and legally work. Right now I'm happy to be back at home in Canada.... my sadness and worry have greatly decreased since I returned, but I also miss my SO a lot.

I'm really feeling the weird, painful limbo state of an LDR right now, I guess. It's a lot harder to get through than I thought. But, I'm hopeful that I can find a way to navigate it. I'm realizing a lot of things about myself during this part of the journey - how much I need to feel financially independent, that it's ok to need and use a social support system, and that even when it totally sucks to do it, I feel so much better when I tell people what I'm thinking and feeling - rather than staying quiet and hoping my emotions will magically change on their own.