*Disclaimer: Discussion of violence, at points somewhat graphic. I also apologize for this being disjointed. I'm a bit of mess right now.

Tonight as J and I were on the phone saying a final goodnight his mom entered the room he shares with his brothers to say their cousin had died. I stayed in contact with J for the past 3 hours until just now when he said to go to bed and he shall try as well. His family isn't able to drive to his aunt's house tonight, it's already too late to safely leave the house. His cousin was killed because his team won a soccer/football match today. There was no other reason except the other team was mad for losing.

J and I talked about the violence in Guatemala a bit. We've discussed before the issues leading many to flee to the US for safety and a better life. I thought his family would be in a different situation. They're working middle class and live in a decent neighborhood but nothing is 100% safe there. I remember seeing the machete incident last summer when a man slashed another's throat on the bus we were riding. I think because the incident didn't put my loved ones in direct harm, it didn't phase me as much as it should.

Now, I'm a bit of a mess emotionally, worried about J's safety as well as that for his family. About a month ago his and his sister's phones were stolen on a bus as they were going home. He didn't mention to me until tonight that the thief wanted to hit his sister. I'm not sure what prevented it, I'm assuming he took the hit and neither of them told me. He then told me how a few years back there was a shoot-out between "thieves" and the police outside his house and his brother's quick thinking saved them from being by-standing victims.

He mentioned the amount of illegal weapons in Guatemala. I know about that already. I know that Guatemala is one of the 6 highest countries in the world for violent crimes. I know of the issues the country has in the safety of its people, as well as tourists. I study it but it didn't really hit me until tonight.

His cousin irritated me a bit (in his messages/questions) but I hold no ill will against him. I hope he goes to a better place and pray that his mother, father, and siblings have some ease to their grief. I wish I could fly down to Guatemala right now and be with J's family. I know they are all hurting. The family is tight-knit.

I don't want J to be there anymore. I love Guatemala and want to continue to visit. I'd be open to living there but I worry for his safety being in Guatemala City. It is dangerous, things have already happened. I don't know what I would do if something happened to him or one of his immediate family members. I'm worried, sad, and helpless all at the same time. I know he wants to finish his degree there. I respect his wishes but when I visit in August, I think I'm going to bring up if he can think about finishing in the US. My heart and head are spinning with all the realities and nightmares right now.