I started researching literature by Gloria Anzaldúa yesterday to use as a philosophical basis of one of my research projects. Her work is powerful. I ordered one of her books off Amazon at the suggestion of a friend, it should get here tomorrow. My degree program is in "global studies" which an interdisciplinary, social science based degree. In the United States, interdisciplinary does not bode well for jobs but I couldn't see myself solely focusing on a political science angle. If the incorporation of Anzaldúa's writings brings a startling difference to my work, I'll be happy. This semester my projects are intertwined. They analyze the cultural genocide against aboriginal peoples in the 20th century.

I'm worried though that my work isn't publishable. I'm worried it doesn't have enough original thought or methodological clarity. Professors are generally encouraging, as are the fellow students in my program, and my family and friends. My friend (from the program) put it aptly though, my thoughts stem from imposter syndrome. Feeling like I somehow don't belong, didn't achieve enough to belong here. I overheard a professor mentoring an undergrad yesterday, encouraging him to apply to graduate school, answering his question that yes, graduate students are the best of the best. I'm not sure I fit that description. I don't know where I fit at this point.

I'm excited with my research; I find it incredibly interesting. It's also draining to have my life consumed by research and studies. When I'm not doing my own research, I'm studying for my classes or trying to catch up on work for my teaching and graduate assistantships. I'm supposed to only have my TAship but I negotiated a GAship in addition upon entrance to the program because the funding package they offered didn't fully cover living expenses and the debt I have remaining from my masters. I am grateful, though, for the opportunities which have been afforded to me, thus far.

In March, I applied and was accepted for a FLAS fellowship to study indigenous language over the summer in Guatemala. The FLAS is a prestigious addition to my CV and fully covers my expenses for summer so I'll be able to visit J and be in his country again. J is a bit disappointed though, as the program is six weeks and I'll be in Guatemala a total of nine weeks, so we won't have as much time. But if things work out, we'll be together in December.

I've neglected J a bit with everything going on. I do try to devote time to message with him every day. We've been talking on the phone more because WhatsApp changed(?) so the call feature no longer connects to my service provider but instead just uses the internet (my service provider does not allow international calls from my phone). But the time has been more limited. He's jealous; of my male professor with whom I meet weekly for a directed study, of my computer because I'm always studying or writing on it, and of everyone who gets to interact with me.

I understand somewhat how he feels but it's hard. I had a six month window before my doctoral program where I had nothing going on except being underemployed as a part-time nanny. It was not fun. I was constantly wanting of his attention while he was busy between classes, studying, and working as a teacher. Now I'm the one who is busy and while he is working and going to school, he is only working part-time with his father and has much more free time. He has been my rock when I start getting anxiety about my program, about my ability to succeed. I call him or message, telling him I want to quit, that I'm not good enough, and he responds with encouragement.

The semester ends at the beginning of May. I'll have some time to relax, pack my stuff to store at a friend's over summer, and then take a few days in DC visiting friends before going to Guatemala. We were hoping I could be in Guatemala earlier but the fellowship requires a certain time window for flights and we decided losing $700 for an extra week together wasn't smart this time around.

I know everything will be okay. It's just stressful trying to balance everything and find time to breathe.