My cousin died. He got back from serving in Afghanistan months ago, only to go home drunk after a concert last night and shoot himself. They believe it was a drunken accident. I do too, as I really don't see him committing suicide, especially not with his mom in the house. I'm so angry at him. I told him all the time he was reckless and crazy and going to hurt himself. I didn't want to be right.

And I'm upset with myself. He had messaged me a couple weeks ago on FB messenger and I ignored him. Things had been complicated between us recently and I thought it was best to just leave it be for now. Now I realize that was my last chance to talk to him. But I guess that's the nature of death, right? We never know when our last chance to do anything will be.

I'm upset I won't be able to go to the funeral. I keep wondering if I would go if I was at home because it will be in Texas and I'm in California. I think I would though. It would be awkward, as I haven't talked to the rest of his immediate family in years. But I was close enough to him that I feel it would be the right thing to do. But it doesn't matter because I'm in Australia and can't fly even if I had the means to do it.

I'm just so sad. He just turned 25. There was no need for this.