My grandma is in the hospital. She may not make it. I can't go home because 1. No money. and 2. Felicity doesn't have an US passport. That's right-I couldn't even just get her an Australian passport, she HAS to have a US one. Appointments at the embassy aren't even available until next month and then who knows how long it takes to process after that. But it doesn't matter because like I said, no money any way.

My dad is taking it really hard. He buried his long time girlfriend last year and now he might bury his mom too. He's so lonely. I can hear his voice cracking when he talks to me sometimes.

And I just feel so guilty. Like so so guilty. I'm generally pretty happy these days. I love my little family we've made. I'm not depressed by any means. But once in awhile I just start to feel so guilty I have a hard time functioning. In some ways, having a baby was the most selfish thing I've ever done. I have this perfect, sweet little girl who's growing and learning every day. And I'm so blessed to have her as my daughter. But she's not JUST my daughter. She's my dad's granddaughter. And my sister's niece. And my grandma's great grandchild. And they don't get to see her. Not really. Just pictures. They don't get to hold her and have her coo at them. They don't get to feel her little grabby fingers wrapping around theirs.

And it's just especially hard for my dad. He says all these things that just make me crumble inside to where I'm almost in tears after every phone call. And he's not trying to make me feel guilty. He just says what he's thinking and it has that effect. Like he tells me she'll never know who he is. And that he stares at the pictures I sent him all the time and wishes he could see her for real. And he ends our phone calls with "Tell the baby I'll see her-one day."

Sometimes, and I feel so bad saying this, I question my decision to move here at all. But when I was planning my move, everything was fine. I knew my dad would miss me but he had others and things were OK. But then his girlfriend died days before I left. He got diagnosed with skin cancer a few months after. Oh and now he's having his aneurism surgery next month. My grandma's cancer came back-and now she might not make it. Everything just went so downhill.

But I love Luke and can't imagine if I had chosen differently. And I love our family. It's just so hard.

The worst of it is that I can't talk to Luke about any of this. It would only make HIM feel guilty and he doesn't need that. It's not his job to pay for me to fly home all the time. It's so expensive and not realistic. I need to get a job to help pay for things. I feel guilty about that too-I cost him so much money. I try really hard to budget. I don't buy things for myself that aren't a necessity. I try to cook wallet friendly meals. But if there's a day where the baby's been overwhelming and I haven't gotten a chance to cook, we'll go to McDonald's. When I see the total, I feel guilty about that. And it's freaking McDonald's! Not like I'm asking to dine at a 4 star restaurant. I feel like a hobo because I can't pay to get my hair done, or buy new clothes. But that's OK. I just wish those things made me feel less guilty.

Let me be clear, Luke has never done anything to try and make me feel this way. He's always telling me to not worry about it, that he'll take care of it. But I can't because that's not fair.

Back to the job-I'll have to get one where I really only work on weekends. Which isn't a problem because I can go back to my old job where I essentially make my own schedule. But it means Luke and I won't really spend much time together. At all. So you guessed it...guilt.

The only person I feel I'm doing right by is Felicity. But I'm sure at some point I'll feel like I'm failing her too.

Gah this blog is miserable. Most days I really am fine. But days like today...man do they suck.