I'm homesick. It's not gotten any better since last blog. My grandma did pass away. My dad had his surgery for his aneurysm, which thankfully went well and he was recovering nicely. I say was because just a few days ago he was in a car accident. He's mostly fine (Thank whoever it is you thank,) save for the fact that he broke his shoulder in three places. So lots more pain to deal with and possibly another surgery. My poor dad can not catch a break. He is in constant pain every single day. I can't begin to fathom how he copes. His car, which was about to be paid off, is totalled. So now he has to figure that out. It just never ends.

I'm feeling really disconnected from everyone back home. I mean, I came here knowing that I would have to do most of the legwork to keep up my relationships. I realize that since I'm the one that left, it falls on me to initiate most of the communication. But I can't honestly be expected to do all of it. Right after I had the baby, my sister was all about talking to me and seeing Felicity. We Skyped once and she said we should try to do it weekly. Have we since? Nope. I've brought it up countless times. I've volunteered to get up early, stay up late, whatever makes it work for them. Felicity is old enough now to have some interest in the screen and faces and voices and I really want her to get used to seeing her family. But every time I bring it up I get silence. Not even a “no” or a “we don't have time,” she just ignores that I ever said anything. She'll send me an email and I'll write back and then she never replies. I've spoken to her twice since the baby was born. That's also the number of times I've spoken to her since I was last in Cali almost 7 months ago.

My friends do the same thing. I'll text and say hi and they'll be all “omg I miss you!” And I’ll ask them what they've been up to. And then I get silence. No return text. Well OK then. I can take a hint. I guess I don't even matter enough any more to get a text or an email. I'm trying to be all tough about it and say “fuck them then!” but it's not working. I'm sad and my feelings are hurt. I feel like I don't matter to anyone on any part of the globe. Well that's not entirely true. I matter to Luke and my dad. And my best friend. But that's it. So I won't be initiating with the others any more. It hurts too much.

So all that being said, why do I want to go home so badly?!?! I don't really feel like I'm all that wanted there, so I should just be content to save the money and stay here. But I'm so not.

I don't know if I mentioned my grand plan here last time or not, but here it is any way. I was thinking Luke, Felicity, and I could head to California in mid-November. That way Luke could experience an American Thanksgiving and also celebrate his birthday in the US! Then he would come back after a couple weeks and Felicity and I would stay until...early January. I really want to have an extended visit. I feel like my soul needs it. I checked flight prices yesterday and they're at rock bottom. They will not go any lower than that, guaranteed. I told Luke but he didn't seem too keen on booking. Which makes me believe we don't really have the money. So....I feel like I'm going to need to tell him to just forget about it. That we'll revisit going again early next year. But that breaks my heart. I seriously feel shattered thinking about it. I truly don't know how I'll cope if I don't get home this year.

And even if we can go....the whole having a place to stay thing is up in the air. It was all so far away with lots of time to plan. But now it's going to be July tomorrow. Time is ticking.

On the baby front: She's driving me nuts. I love her to death but dear god. She's so bad at sleeping. SO bad. And she's grumpy because she's never well rested. And I'm grumpy because I'm exhausted and dealing with a grump butt baby all day. I get lots of advice about how I need to sleep train her. But I still feel like she's too young. Yes, I know she's 4 months. But is that really so old? In my book she's still new! I want to give her the chance to figure herself out before I go trying to force her into things. That's just the way I feel.



I know this is a whiny blog. I know the 'wahhhh nobody likes me' stuff is irritating. Oh well. I'll leave off on a happy note: Some pictures of my little non-sleeping goober. Sorry for the crap quality.





This one just makes me LOL