Hello people! It's been forever since I've written a blog. And this is not a catch-up blog, more an "I can't get this off my mind and I have nowhere else to put this blog."

So, a couple weeks ago I was scrolling through my Facebook feed, as I do many times a day, when a name caught my eye. It was a name I hadn't seen in many, many, years. It damn near gave me a heart attack. I couldn't figure out why I was seeing his name when as far as I know, we have no ties anymore. Turns out it was the local news for my hometown in California.

Let me back up: I don't know if anyone saw on the news last month- a man in California fled from police in a vehicle when they were serving a warrant at his home. He then ditched the car and stole a horse and fled on horseback. The cops caught up to him, he surrendered, and they beat the crap out of him. It made national news, and in fact I even saw it mentioned here in Australia. Here's a random article about it: http://abcnews.go.com/US/10-californ...ry?id=30223280

I heard about it, thought "Meh. Dumbass guy. Dumbass officers. Hope justice is served for everyone," and didn't think about it again.

UNTIL. I saw that news article. With that name. The criminal that fled and got beaten by police, who's made worldwide news- I know him. Or knew, rather. The last time I spoke to him was 9 years ago and that was after 3 years of not speaking to him before that. But it's not just that I knew him, I knew lots of people who ended up being thugs. No news there. It's the specifics of my relationship with this particular person.

This guy-ugh I'm SO embarrassed to admit this. This guy was my first, well, everything. He was never my boyfriend, oh no, I wasn't good enough for that (hah!) I was usually his side thing, but I was so infatuated. Back in the day he did not look like those photos. He was a good looking, in shape guy who had girls falling over him left right and center. So I felt privileged to even be sleeping with him, never mind that everyone else was too. He turned abusive. Not physically-although he did raise his hand like he was going to hit me once. I dared him to do it and he didn't. But emotionally-he manipulated the shit out of me amongst other things. I suppose sexually too. One time I wasn't allowed to leave his house unless I had sex with him. He was always trying to convince me to have sex with his friends, which I of course declined. But then I did end up hooking up with one of his friends later (on my terms, nothing to do with him,) and he lost it on me. He used to accuse me of poking holes in condoms. He laced a joint he gave me once with some other drug to "see what would happen." So. much. shit. Shit I don't talk about or think about (much,) all thrown in my face now that he's in the news.

I spent 2 years basically being his bitch. Until I met my now ex-husband and ditched this loser. THANK FUCKING GOD. Seriously. My ex-husband is a douche canoe, but in a typical "I fucking fail at relationships" way, not an "I shot a puppy in front of my kids" way. OH YEAH, that guy did that apparently. Read that in an article too.

And now I just keep thinking about what a moron I was. The girlfriend mentioned in the article-He started dating her shortly after I met him. And I hated her for it. And now I'm practically doing a jig that it was her and not me. Which is, of course, terrible. I know he was abusive to her as well, and I'm sure that hasn't stopped over the past 13 years. He told me once he "tapped her" with his car. What in the actual fuck.

I don't feel traumatized by him or anything. But it took me a very long time to realize he was abusive and that I didn't bring everything that happened upon myself. I always felt guilty that I had let these things happen. And if I'm being honest, I still do a little bit. But I now realize that he was a bad person and it wasn't just about me getting myself into bad situations. Yes, I should have walked away. But me not walking away did not give him the right to do what he did. I never understood that up until a few years ago. But it makes me cringe to think about it still. I mean, I was 15 when I met him and 17 when we parted ways. I should let it go. But seeing his name pop up has me thinking about it incessantly again. Go away please, jackass. Ugh. But this does remind me of how awesome my life is and how bad it could have been. Silver lining.

I know this blog is a bit all over the place and probably hard to follow. But thanks for reading, I'm glad I have this space to put it down.