This past week my husband quit his job. I am not full-time yet, so it may bite us in the butt, but I really think it was a good move. This job was destroying him, one piece at a time. I've never been forced to work in a toxic environment, and he is too young to have to waste his life away for a crappy, low-paying, soul-eating job. This had led to a little stress as we think "how will we pay the bills?" but has taken away so much stress in our relationship as the job was eating away at him. He is so happy now to have time for his studies and to actually get a chance to rest before his classes. I am so happy for him, and if I don't get full-time soon I will get another part-time job (I've worked there previously and I know I would be welcomed back, I'm just not hankering to get back into fast food if I don't absolutely have to!) He is not wanting my parents to find out as he doesn't want them to have a lowered opinion of him, but I don't care. I am proud of us for making this decision. If we were ten years older with four kids I would have thought twice about this decision, but you're only young once. Might as well live like it. And he is going to school for Computer Science, so if this all pans out like we hope, he should be able to get a decent job in the future. Why sacrifice his schooling for a minimum wage job? It just didn't make sense. So he has spent the days since he quit delving into his homework, looking for part-time jobs, and playing a new video game. Don't ask me to tell you which one he's been doing most lol I'm glad to see him happy. I feel bad for not suggesting he quit sooner, as I know he was mostly holding onto that job to please me. I definitely found a good one. I'm so blessed to have him.
On to babies: We are not pregnant. Yay! But I wish I were. In my heart of hearts I have always wanted to be a mom. I'm great with kids. I know he would be the cutest dad ever, and I want him to have the chance to be the great dad to his kids that his dad wasn't to him. I want him to have a chance to end that cycle. I want to see whose eyes they would get, whose nose, and I want to count their fingers and toes. I want to have someone to talk to when he is working… And yet I don't. And I hate this part of me because currently my logic and brain are outmaneuvering my heart, and while I know that is good, it still hurts. As far as I know we should be able to have kids (no problems that we know of) but if we were to get pregnant now, it would completely change our future. My husband would have to quit school and succumb to a life-eating job to make sure we were cared for. And it hurts. It hurts having to not want a baby. Some days I even have myself fooled, and I think about how lucky we are not to be tied down at the moment, but every night the truth stares me in the face. I don't feel that this is an unhealthy obsession, just a look at the facts. In this economy and we we live there aren't many good jobs period. Even less for a non-college graduate: my husband. He is so excited to get his degree and actually have a chance at a better life that I know I can't ruin it for him. He deserves this second chance at life and happiness, and I want him to have it. But seeing so many people happy with their babies tugs at my heart. I deleted my Facebook because it was too hard seeing everyone my age with babies and families, and I know I have to wait. I don't mind it, honest, just some days it hurts and I just wanted to share it. Every time my period is late for even a day I start to panic, and although I know we were careful it kills me that we may be about to end his dreams. Luckily, I think my hormones are just wacky since marriage and they like to move my period all over the calendar. And I don't have bad wishes for anyone who has a baby. I am very happy for them. I just wish it were my turn a little sooner. However, after a week of being a new mom and not getting sleep, I'll probably regret wishing for it in the first place
Anyways, off to bed as I work early tomorrow. I am definitely NOT a morning person. I'm becoming a good faker, though