In February I lost my mother. In 2009 she was diagnosed with uterine cancer. She was told that she had a few months to live without treat and that treatment could extend her life by either a few months or a year. This was devastating to hear as my mom has been my best friend since I was little. She was a single mother and was the first in her small VERY religious and very Mennonite town to ever get a divorce. She was ridiculed and even looked down on. Anyways, when I heard the news my life literally changed forever. I felt alone. I felt scared. I was terrified.

In contrast, my mother was brave. She remained the loving, confident, selfless and understanding person she always did. She remained who she was no matter what. She remained my mother up until her very last breaths. When she started chemo we went in there laughing, smiling and joking around. When she started her second round we continued laughing and smiling. It was how it was supposed to be.

During this time I was a mess. I started partying ALOT. This included staying out late, going to house parties, the clubs and drinking. I was mean to guys during this time. I even ruined a friendship with one of my guy friends because of it. I was generally a mess.
Then September I met my Ex. He was funny, sweet and he made me laugh hysterically through text. I stopped partying as much because I had someone I could share things with and talk about. We became friends through BBM and then we’d send each other voices notes and eventually the telephone and skype became a huge part of it.

I fell for him hard. Not because of the situation with my mom. I made sure is wasn’t because of that but because I felt comfortable and I felt like he genuinely cared about me, what was going on with me and wanted what was best for me as I did him. Through this my mom took a turn for the worst in December. She was admitted into Palliative care and we basically watched her health slowly deteriorate for two months. My mom died less than two weeks after my 22nd birthday which we celebrated in the Palliative care ward.

On a Sunday I woke up to the sound of the phone ringing and my uncle rushing through the door. He yelled at me and asked why I haven’t picked up the phone and gave me 20 dollars to go to the hospital. He had to rush back to work but was allowed to come tell me to get to the hospital. When I got to the hospital my mother was totally out of sort. She was conscious but not herself. She was up for about a few more hours until she agreed that it was time to be put into a medically induced coma until she was to pass.
After the put her into the coma people started to show up. The amazing thing about my mothers passing is that through every step of the way she’s had a huge entourage of people that have been there to support her and our family. She had over 30 people in the hospital. For the first day she simply laid in the bed while the family including my aunts, cousins and close family friends visited. Then slowly her breathing got softer. However she still remained. On the second day... we were all tried and no one got a lick of sleep is when her breathing started to get loud, and her breathing took longer. Eventually... her breathing started to get groggily with a gurgling noise. Throughout the day people came to say their respects and visit. My family made me go and tell her it was OK to die. It was by far the hardest time of my life.

However she didn’t let go. Finally on the last night my friends came to visit and a huge family fight broke out. One that I will never forget. After the fight I ran into my mothers room and talked with her alone. I told her about all the good times I would remember, about all the fights we had, about the laughs and I assured her I’d be OK. I talked to her for 30 minutes about whatever I could. I told her I loved her and that it was OK to go. I would be OK and that she’s been an awesome mother and that no one could ever do a better job than she did.

After that I went out to the family room and went for a nap. About 45 minutes later my aunt woke me up and said it was time. For about 10 minutes we watched as she took her last breath..... by that time it was only me and my two aunt. Everyone else was rushing back. My mother died loved.

How does my ex fit into this? Well...I regret meeting him then. I regret him meeting me when I was confused, angry, upset, scared, and unsure of myself and lacking in any sort of confidence. One moment I was happy, the next I was starting a fight. One moment I was sorry the next I wanted to rip someone’s head off. To be honest...I was a mess and i didn’t even recognise myself. I’d start fights with him, I’d push him away, I’d say nasty and mean things. I wasn’t being me and I should have never treated him like that and I regret meeting him when...the absolute worst of me... was all that i had to offer. I remember being this way because I wanted to talk to someone or anyone about how I was feeling but felt it was too heavy, to deep and scary to bring to anyone. I know that I felt alone and even though people were saying that they loved me... I was scared that something would happen to them too and I’d be alone. I honestly blamed myself for my mother passing. Silly, huh?

Since all that... I’ve started to go speak with a grief therapist because I was sick of being up and down and not feeling like myself. I was sick of using my mom’s death as an excuse. Grief has the power to do a lot of things but... being mean to the one you love shouldn’t be one of them. Thankfully... it has been helping and I’m back on track. I’ve apologized to the people that I’ve hurt (not to him... I’m not sure if he even wants to hear an apology) but I’ve been working on me. I have really tried to change the behaviour that pushed someone I loved away and have made a lot of progress. I don’t blame myself. Yes, I miss my mom everyday... but I can talk about her now. Things that remind me of her don’t affect me. My moods are back to normal... and I feel like that fun loving girl again. I just wish I had met him at a different time...because timing is truly everything.