As I'm sure many of you can relate to here, I am in a long distance relationship with my family. It started when I moved to the United States for college (and, if I'm honest, for an online love, which didn't work out) and will likely continue into the future as my plans with my SO do not involve me going back to my home country permanently. It has made some things incredibly difficult. In Feb. 2011, when I had just been there two months, my great-uncle passed away. He was very sick and had already outlived all the doctors' predictions, but it was still a shock that I couldn't be there with my family. Two years later, in Feb. 2013, my youngest aunt passed away suddenly and painfully, ripping our family apart. I felt so alone then, alone with my grief in a place where I barely had any friends, where no one knew her and so could not possibly comprehend the depth of my loss. Of course with hindsight I realize that people can empathize with grief, but at the time it was extremely difficult.

My mother was perhaps the most affected by this, because she was very close to her sister - incredibly close. My relationship with my mother is actually what I need to vent about, and perhaps get some insight from people with similar experiences.

My mother always wanted me to be independent. She hated it if I "clung" to her and she always told me I had to figure it out on my own. With schoolwork for instance, she would just tell me to "re-read my textbook" if I needed help grasping a concept or similar. She also told me that if I wanted something, I had to plan for it myself. So I did. My very first LDR, at 17, I saved up my own money in order to fly over and meet him. If I wanted to go to university I was going to have to figure it out on my own. So I did. I worked my butt off at school to get as near-perfect grades as I could get, graduated as valedictorian, landed a couple of scholarships, found a community college, made arrangements for my visa, got a full-time internship on the side before I left for the United States... I was glad to be getting away from the woman who not only told me to do it all on my own, but who also never thought it was good enough. She wanted an email every day. I told her I'd get in touch once a week. She wanted to skype every week. I told her we'd do it once a month.

Now we Skype every Friday, with no emails in between. I look forward to those calls and dread them all in one. Two Fridays ago I got off the Skype call in tears, again from my mother's unreal expectations even though I am doing my utmost best. I had trouble finding a job for about a year, and she kept telling me how I was draining away my scholarship money and I was going to run out, and I was lazy and not having a job would look terrible on my résumé. I got a job last August and worked full days every day alongside my studies, and then she said I was irresponsible for working so much, that I would obviously burn myself out, that she was sure I couldn't adequately take care of myself food-wise... When I told her that, even if I ran out of food my roommate would have no problem getting me to the grocery store (I don't have a car, my roommate does, and has told me that it's no problem for her to run me to the store), she just said I was taking advantage of my roommate and how could I do that to such a sweet girl. Ugh. Can't win.

The confusing part is that, about two months ago, my mother apologized to me. She said she realized how she pushed me to grow up and be more independent when I was a child, and she misses not having spent time with me. That whenever I fussed or got difficult she would hand me off to someone else (like my baby-sitter or my aunt who just recently passed away) because she didn't want to deal with me. That the fact I found my own way to the United States comes to bite her in the rear end, since she always encouraged me to do my own thing and that's exactly what I did. She says she is lonely (being alone in our apartment after 20 years of me being there) and misses me. I feel guilty that I don't miss her, that our Skype relationship is the best our relationship has been because she is forced to acknowledge that I am grown now, I am a woman who works to pay her own rent and buy her own food and does her own thing. Whenever we spend time together again I get so stressed out and frustrated.

She wants to come visit me in the United States this year. I would have liked her to be here for my graduation from university, but she won't take time off for that. She works at the High School I went at, and I remember teachers taking time off for their children's graduations all the time (at least a couple every year), but she won't do it. Instead she wants to come in July-August for a month (mid-July to mid-August). There are a few problems with this.

1. I don't have space in my room for two people. If I give her my room, as I will, I will have to sleep on the couch in the living room. I feel incredibly guilty to take up this space that is also my roommate's. I can't just impose on our living space like this, not for a whole week (or more!). My mother says "well, isn't she going back home? She probably won't be there." No way to make her realize that we can't make plans contingent on my roommate not living in the apartment she's paying for.

2. My lease ends on July 31st, which means that she'll be in the middle of things when it's time to move. She says she'll help, but I know that my style of moving (chaotic but fast) and her style of moving (organized but you need to start planning at least a week in advance) will clash and it will make this stressful time even more stressful.

3. I don't know where I will be going next August yet. My most fervent hope is to close the distance with my SO and so far it looks like what we'll do, but I actually have nothing set in stone yet and I have no idea how feasible it will be to have my mother there with me when I move. If I move in with my SO, it'll probably be awkward because my SO and I share a bed, but we have a futon and we could potentially use my current bed in the guest room (we plan on getting a 2 bedroom when we move). If I don't move in with him (say a graduate school makes me an interesting offer), I don't have any furniture of my own bar bedroom furniture. My mother says I can just "sleep in a sleeping bag on the floor." For two to three weeks. I had to sleep on the floor once and I was so sore I couldn't move without pain the next day.

4. To ride on the above, if I do end up moving with my SO, that's a 12h drive from Kansas to Houston Tx. When it's just my SO and me we do it all in one day. We load up his SUV (and we'd get a uhaul for my move), buckle down, start bright and early and drive all day till we get there. It's terrible and tough but we're young and resilient and just power through it. I don't know what I'd do with my mother in such a situation. I may have to buy her a plane ticket or something. I know she can't do a 12h drive.

If you can't tell I'm stressing about the whole thing. Ideally I'll be closing the distance then, but it's going to be stressful to have my mother there as well. She doesn't understand that you can't just take a bus to get wherever you want, like you can in my country (hey, that's another thing to worry about - how I'll get us places without a car!) and thinks that I am worrying too much or worrying for nothing. I don't suppose anyone has read this far, but if you have, thank you. I needed to get my thoughts organized.