I've come back here over the last couple of days, catching up with blogs, lurking around forums to see what's been going on. It's nice to see good news on a few fronts, and a whole lot of new faces too.

It feels strange to think that it's been a while since Jason and I broke up. To this day I feel bad about it because truth be told I'm not sure what happened. It was literally coming back from a visit and realizing I was relieved to be back. It was like a switch flipped and I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. Like all his insecurities got too much for me to handle all at once. I felt like he was making me the center of his universe (no hobbies, no friends, just me) and I couldn't possibly be everything he wanted me to be for him. It was a whole lot of pressure on me, on top of the pressure to finish my degree (which I did in May, yay!) and get into grad school (which I didn't) and find a way to close the distance (which was supposed to be all on me). I guess I snapped under the pressure. It was a messy break up. He said some horribly hurtful stuff. I cut contact with him and a couple of our mutual friends. We're talking again now but seriously I want to just cut contact completely, because I feel he is still using me as the "only good thing in his life" thing. That makes it hard for me to cut contact though, because I genuinely want him to be happy - I just know it can't be with me. I grieve for the loss of the future we planned together, but I can't see myself being romantically involved with him anymore.

I've been casually seeing one of my former classmates. We had a class together last fall but didn't talk, had a class together again this spring and became friends, and started dating. It's been unbelievably good to have someone close by that can walk me to class, bring me chocolate when I'm not feeling good, randomly show up at 10 pm, or who can be right there in case of medical emergency (oh, yeah - was diagnosed with skin cancer (melanoma) and had to act fairly quickly to cut it out, and new guy surprised me by showing up at the dermatologist and being there with me). Of course, given my luck, we are now forced into a long distance relationship of sorts because he's been working out of town all summer, and his phone has been acting up so I'm lucky if I get a couple of texts and a phonecall a day, but I'm not even worried about it. Right now I'm focusing on me. I've been applying to jobs, and will be applying to grad schools again, casting my net wider this time instead of just the ones that would have brought me closer to my ex. I feel unbelievably empowered right now, like the whole world is open to me again instead of having my choices constrained, and it feels so good. Sometimes I wonder what the hell did I do, tearing apart a life that we had planned, with a man that was genuinely good and genuinely cared. I gave up everything to launch myself headfirst into the unknown, and it was so scary, but I am so glad I did.