I've been needing to blog for a while, or journal, or something, but I've finally been able to find some time to just sit down and do it. So this may be long.

First off, grad schools. After the rush and excitement of being admitted into Arizona State University as their "top ranked applicant," it was very disappointing to be refused admission into both Stanford and Berkeley. emsimes, it looks like we won't be state buddies after all . The bright side is that it does make my decision easier. On one hand, I have a good university with a still-expanding anthropology program (they've just hired 8 new faculty members! That's more than any anthro department in the world!), which is offering me full funding for four years. On the other hand, I have... no offer of admission from my first choice (Berkeley) and no funding offers from my back-up choice (the University of Kansas, where I went for my Bachelor's). It's a no-brainer, really.

Visiting the campus helped to seal the deal. I won't lie, traveling there was rough. We had to wake up early to get to our flight on time, and because we hadn't eaten we got very cranky and short with each other. On top of no food, SO couldn't smoke, so that made him even more cranky. We snapped and bickered at each other. I felt resentful because he'd left all the planning to me and then was complaining about things. He got annoyed because he was stressed and I was taking everything too personally. Everything resolved itself once we ate though. We ate outside. In February. It was nice and warm and confusing after cold Kansas. We walked around a lot, trying to explore everything all at once. That night I had a dinner/mixer with other admitted students, current graduate students, and faculty.

Unfortunately, social anxiety coupled with being very tired from traveling made the evening a lot more difficult than it should have been. I entered the main hall to find a throng of people already deep in conversation and mingling, and everything was loud and obnoxious. The "dinner" was dismal, I had a headache, and I could not find anyone who was in my field! I got stuck at a table of archaeologists all talking about their own research, and felt out of place. My only experience with archaeology is helping my boyfriend with his research, and I did not want their first impression of me to be the girl who talks about her boyfriend all the time. I was the first to leave the dinner, saying I was very tired from waking up early. I was biting back sobs and tears as I called my SO and told him I really needed to see him. He was surprised I was done already but told me where he was and I said I'd go find him. His phone then died. Fortunately we had explored enough of the area for me to get to him. I was so overwhelmed by everything that all I wanted to do was hold on to him and pretend like we were back home. He understood. We went back and he held on to me until we fell asleep.

After this bad experience, I didn't want to go back the next day - but I had to, because things had been planned for me. SO said he'd wake up early with me and walk with me to campus, but then wanted to stop for coffee and that took forever, so I ended up going alone. I was so very anxious, again, and even though I was more rested I still felt like the world was against me. Thankfully, the activities for the day were more structured, which suited me better. I met one-on-one with faculty members and finally met some graduate students from my field, and things were looking up. SO and I got to spend Friday afternoon, Saturday and Sunday exploring Tempe, trying out new restaurants and generally having a good time, so despite a rough start things worked out. AND, on the way back, we learned from our mistakes and made sure to eat whenever possible - and he even went out to smoke on our layover, so he wasn't as cranky.



Since it's looking very likely that I am moving to Arizona this July, we had to talk about the future. First off, he is very willing to move with me. He fell in love with the desert and feels like he could be happy there, once he got used to it. He reiterated that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I feel the same way. We've been planning things together for the long run already - we got a joint credit card which gives us points back for groceries, for instance. Since I understand that he loves his family and wants to go back home, I was thinking of ways to save money so that we could go back together to visit. It all seems to fall together naturally. I was worried that his family would dislike the fact that he is moving so far away, but they're thrilled. They think it will do him good to experience living somewhere else - and, also, they don't want him to "mess up and lose me" (their words).

He also got me a ring - a cheap, airport-bought one that he says symbolizes his "undying and unconditional love." It's a bit corny but I must admit I love it. We've been talking so much about the future, and we're so sure we'll be in each other's, that he pointed out that we're pretty much engaged at this point. I guess we are, even though we haven't been dating for that long, all things considered. He is in no hurry to get married (I am not either) but he definitely wants me to know that he wants me in his life for a long, long time. Whenever we watch shows about the stereotypical commitment-phobe, he'll always snort and tell the TV characters to "get their sh-t together." I find it very endearing. So he refers to me as his "fiancée" to other people now -- people he's just met, mostly. One of his friends messaged me congratulating me yesterday. It feels weird, since he hasn't proposed and it's not all "official." He knows I want an actual proposal. I know he wants to do it with a nice ring.

I am in the process of finding us an apartment in Phoenix right now - it's very difficult to do considering I am three states away. If I think too much about all the details, I am in danger of being overwhelmed again. I am worried he will hate moving, that he'll resent me for moving, but at the same time I have to pursue what is best for me and I will not compromise on that. We absolutely suck at doing long distance, and I don't think we would survive if it came down to that. So really the only choice for this relationship to work is for him to move with me. I worry that it's the worse reason for moving anywhere.

But then again, he assures me he looks forward to moving, his friends and family are all supportive of the move, and maybe I am just thinking too much about everything because I can't believe my own good luck.