I'm sure many of you have already seen my post about my SO and I. We are at the end of our relationship after 4 years of being together. It really breaks my heart, but I honestly think this is the best decision for the both of us.
We had a lot of fun during his last visit to me, which ended about a month ago. However, it was also the rockiest time we've had throughout our relationship, and it caused a lot of problems to surface.
My SO has always been bothered by the fact that I am not really as affectionate as he is and felt neglected many times. I love to cuddle, give hugs and kisses, etc, but he often felt like he was the one who came to me more often for affection. Honestly, I felt like he was "keeping score" a lot of the time. He also recently told me this was why he didn't want to be intimate with me this past trip- he felt like we weren't emotionally connected, so he wasn't sexually interested.
Another issue that he had with me (and honestly, with all of his exes, too), is that he has a hard time accepting that I have flaws. I know I'm not perfect, and there are things I can improve upon in my life, but I often felt like he nitpicked at my flaws and got annoyed when I did things he doesn't like. I understand that certain flaws in a person are deal breakers to others, but I felt like he didn't always accept me for who I was- flaws and all. He also admitted to me that he knows it's not really fair of him, and that nearly every girlfriend he's had in the past has broken up with him for this reason :/
Also, on my end, I do think I was kinda lazy about certain aspects in our relationship. I never really learned German, and didn't put that much effort into looking at moving to Germany. I guess I always just assumed he would want to move to the US. I know that's not fair, and I don't blame him for being upset with me for that.
I think we probably could've gotten past a lot of these issues, but our deal breaker problem is the fact that I don't want children in the future, and he really does. Honestly, deep down inside, I've known for a long time that this would probably break us up down the road, but I never wanted to admit it to myself. I know I am still rather young, and many people brush it off when I say I don't want kids. Everyone assumes I am too young and will change my mind when I'm in my late 20s/early 30s. It's really insulting and hurtful when I hear that, as if they think they know me better than I know myself. I have known for a long time that children aren't for me. I even worked as a nanny for a few years- that's what really cemented my decision, honestly. I know everyone argues that it's different when it's your own child, but that's not what I want for myself. I'm not cut out to be a mom. There are so many other things in life that I want to do besides being a mom (no offense to any moms here, of course).
It hurts that my SO doesn't understand me on this issue. He brushes me off like everyone else. "Who wants a child at 24?" he says to me. He doesn't want a child for about 5 more years, so he can't comprehend why I wouldn't be ready to have a kid by then. I feel like there is no compromising when it comes to children. I can't even lie to myself that I want kids (trust me, I tried). But, he says he would regret it for the rest of his life if he never had children. As much as I love him, I don't want him to be miserable and resentful towards me down the line because of this. It's an issue that we can't work through
We've been through so much these past 4 years, it breaks my heart that I know this isn't going to work out. We had been planning our future together- he was serious about moving to the US to be with me. I imagined myself getting married to him. We both still love each other, but I think we're not right for each other in the end. I think he needs someone who wants to be more of a stay-at-home mom (I'm honestly sort of a workaholic), and I think I just need to be single for awhile and focus on myself.
I really hope he and I can stay close, but I'm not sue if he wants to remain friends now
I will definitely continue to stay on this site, though. You all have been such amazing support, like a family to me. I couldn't ask for better internet friends
I do believe LDRs can work, mine just fell apart in the end.
I know he is a really good guy at heart, but I agree, his criticisms often seemed to stem from his own insecurities :/ I really hope he can work on that, for himself and for his future relationships.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself much time to just relax and enjoy life!
Also: PSHHHHH does he even know how hard it is to learn German? Seriously, learning English is so easy especially since it's mandatory in school!
Be kind to yourself and do everything you need to heal and feel better.
The children or not issue is something you can't compromise on. I remember you writing about it before (or am I imagining this?). If you're sure you don't want kids and he absolutely wants them, then one of you is going to be unhappy. I'm not trying to change your mind, but if it's about wanting to work (since you said you were a workaholic) maybe it's worth discussing whether he can imagine staying at home? And honestly if he wouldn't be ok with that he can't expect you to be.
You've probably been through all of that with him before, though so I'm going to be quiet and just wish you strength <3