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How To Be Thoroughly An Ass while LFAD

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    How To Be Thoroughly An Ass while LFAD

    Before-Hand NOTICE: Before I continue any further, the irony and note, not the sarcasm, the self-irony of the threads title does not and will never permit you to be an ASS or be DISRESPECTFUL.
    Thank you for your understanding, Ladies and Gent.

    WARNING! VERY LONG. I would greatly appreciate! If not, just go to the two last post I guess.

    Introduction
    I am sitting behind my computer today. It is twelve-past five and we are the sixth of December, two thousand and eleven. There are many purposes behind this thread, the most important ones being: finding redemption, asking for help and similar stories from the community and learning how to deal and live with myself and life in general. Many of you are probably thinking: ''Why don't you go to a therapist?'' or ''Your family is there for exactly that purpose, son.'' While I agree with you all, there are numerous things that just don't seem to connect together. A therapist for one, costs money and why should I go empty my wallet for guidance when helping someone should be free. Let’s not start the healthcare debate here, please. As for the family, while their help was helpful for some portions of my life and I will forever be grateful of them, my parents have a hard time understanding and agreeing with my choices over my previous long distance relationship. It just doesn't bode well with them and while they've let me experience it, emotionally they've never really understood and hence the help they think they're giving me, isn't really getting to me and even though I try explaining it to them many times over and in many different ways so they can understand, they just do not get it. And I quote my father's words and I am humbly sorry if young eyes read this part of the thread: ''You really sound like a woman; you should maybe have a pussy instead of a dick.'' While understanding the sarcasm of the moment, it still hurts to think that your own father would rather you run the clubs instead of pursuing the woman you truly love. With that said and the before-hand notice stated, I know and I fully realize the pain I have caused not only to myself, to her heart and to our trust and friendship. I do not need to have it slammed in my face again, trust me, I have taken care of that part far way to many times already. The only thing that this poor soul is asking for is people to take a moment from their busy lives and listen to a story, either cheer him up and fuel his dreams and his goals or give him the plate with reality on it.

    The Story
    Our relation would have started three years ago this upcoming St-Valentine’s day, this fourteenth of January. I met her through her cousin, to which I befriend two-three years before. She was on vacation with her father’s side of the family because a member of the family was getting married. That same night we got presented to each other and we immediately bonded. A connection had formed and I still remember to this day, she was so gorgeous behind that webcam. I was sixteen and she was fourteen at that time, when we met. We rapidly grew fond of each other and talked every day about just everything there was to talk to. We were flirting, talking intimately and we were both very spontaneous. We were living that same spark as any other couple of two people but in our own special way. We started learning about each other. That is when I found out she lived in North Carolina, United States and she found that I lived in Quebec, Canada. I also found out that she was Christian and she found out that I was Muslim. We also rapidly discarded the religion-views and the at that time crisis in the Middle East. We didn't really care; we liked each other a lot. After a couple more intimate nights, she suddenly disappeared. By then, I was fully addicted to her. She was everything I wanted from a woman. She was brave, strong and she had what I call that ''I-don't-give-a-fuck-attitude'' from the south. I was never really a country guy back then, but she changed that so easily. The first time she made me listen to country was Big Green Tractor from Jason Aldean. I wasn't really impressed by the melody but I still kept it in my Itunes Library. For a whole month, I always got on msn and waited for her. When I was about to give up, one night, I came by that same song again and I listened to it. I kind of enjoyed it more that time and later that night, she came back and surprisingly asked me to date her out of the blue. Thinking back now, that is when I made my first mistake. I agreed. Even though I was addicted to her personality, was it really love I felt for her or did I only like that someone because she understood and comprehended my way of life, who I was truly and who was able to dismantle my heart of steel and bring up emotions and tears to my eyes. We started dating exactly a month after a week or so had passed since we met. She was amazing, incredible and she awe-inspiring; she truly was a game changer.

    We lived our happy lives apart, dating, hanging out with friends, activities keeping us busy in the day and the evening, but we always had our little time at night to fool around, cuddle and laugh and smile and talk. We had healthy lives and passions outside our beginning relationships. The summer passed and we kept talking and became fonder of each other. It was also that first summer where me and my family went to Cape Cod where I came back home after a week of vacation with a running cellphone bill of one thousand and four hundred dollars because we were constantly texting. I still don't know how my father didn't rip my head off that month. It’s maybe because I helped him pay half the bill. Anyway, Five to six months later, I made my second mistake. I messed up, badly. Although it wasn't physical, I cheated on her on webcam with another girl. I came face up with it and told her the night after. I had never in my life made someone cry as much as I did that night. I'd never guess that I would make her cry even more a couple more times in the future as well. I also never saw a scarier mom then hers either. That night, we both stayed up really late talking on the webcam and then on the phone. That night I also realized she truly loved me. That all the I love you's she kept telling me, all the laughter’s, all the smiles I could give her and all the joy I was giving this little girl, they were real and honest, genuine and down to earth. I had really messed up but she had found the courage, the strength and most importantly, the love to keep going and give me another chance. That night, I came out with three important things. A strong, willing and loving girlfriend, a best friend and most importantly a soul mate, the want to become a better man then who I knew I was, to push and sacrifice everything if it made her happy and want to be with me and last, but not least, with a guilt that I had never felt before, a regret that still follows me to this day, a guilt that was too hard to overcome. It took a couple months, but we were on the right track again and everything was going great and perfect, despite the distance and we were happy again together. Through those months, our relationship grew to something much more bigger that both of us didn't realize quite yet and would have never guessed would happen. I was making her the happiest little girl in the south and she was changing a man that used to frequent bars, clubs, strip clubs and used to fool around with any girl because he was just avoiding all emotional contact with anyone into something. She was changing me into a man, helping me become someone who listened to his emotions and to his heart, a man who wanted nothing more than a loving wife and kids and a man who wanted to have a strong family. She helped me also become a better partner. That summer we spent two weeks apart, without being able to talk. Me and my mother’s side went on a vacation in the south and I couldn't text her there. When I came back, it just increased the importance of being with her, how much I missed her company, her words, her voice and how much I missed seeing her smile and laugh and just sit there in front of the webcam so I could gaze at everything she was and was going to be in our future.

    #2
    Another year passed and this time, we were going to close the distance and finally meet! Me and my father’s side were going to Myrtle for two weeks and we were able to arrange with her family that I'd stay with them for a week before we all joined together at Myrtle for another week. You can imagine a 17 year olds and a 15 year olds excitement at such news. It was incredible. I could try describing you how I felt, but it would be impossible. What's really magically about this community is that I don't have to explain this feeling. Each and every one of you know that feeling and for those who don't, I hope you do really soon. It’s something that you have to live to understand. It’s just the same when you finally stand face to face with your soul mate. I remember her rushing, running out her door, almost tripping and just jumping in my arms as I held her tighter than anything ever and we stood there in each other’s arms for numerous minutes while the family greeted and shook hands. God it was love. It was amazing and she was amazing. Those two weeks were probably the greatest time I had lived in not only my entire life, but also in our entire life as a couple. Nothing beats those few seconds where you finally see her or him face to face. It was the same here. Everything I thought she was, it was there in front of me and we did everything we dreamt of doing and spoke of doing if we were managed to see each other. She was... She was like star. And I keep coming back to this to describe her and I really don't know why the star actually and I'm pretty sure she's just as curious as well about it. I've always compared her to the stars and still now, apart from each other, she shuns every star you can see when you look up at night. She shines and she radiates this incredible energy, this powerful and warm wanting to live freely and this magnificent and fiery personality that no one can ever compare to that just shames the stars up in the sky. I can't explain it, even to this day, I look at her and I just want her to be happy. I want to keep making her smile and laugh, because knowing it has saved part of me and it still is and it still helps me to get through the day, I know she can help others as well. And if I can be the reason that she keeps smiling and laughing and wanting to live, that I'll be a very happy and fulfilled man. To this day, I still think she feels the same about those two weeks, dear god I hope she does. By the end of those two weeks, I had to leave her. That night before, when we realized it was going to end so soon, already, we slept in the same bed, cuddled together and held each other and kissed each other until it was fully past a late hour in the morning and then we went to sleep. Morning arrived and it wasn't any easier. She cried even more. I had promised her that one time that I would never make her cry as much ever again and there I went and blew up another promise. I held her tight for long minutes before I had to leave and promised her that I would never ever let her go like that, ever again. When I got in the truck, the only thing I could think about until we were well on our way, was asking my dad to stop and run back to her, to hold her and kiss her once more. I wish I had done so, shown her more of the love she had nurtured inside of me for her, the love she had so gracefully and magically weaved between us. That year; Wow. I just want you all to realize that a flight ticket was approx. four hundred to five hundred dollars every time, the flight being back and forth.

    I believe that this is where everything started spiraling down for the worst. It didn't look like it, didn't feeling like it, but not that I look back, we were doing what every broken up couple did. We were craving for each other’s company, our love, our attention and our touch too much for our own good. I went back in September. God, it was glee. It was just amazing seeing each other again. We hugged, we kissed, we didn't let go and we just embraced each other whenever we could. I won't share the specifics, but we had our toll of fun and pleasure as well. I stayed there for five days. Leaving was hard again, but it wasn't that bad. We told each other that we would get used to it enough to live by it, but never enough for it to not bother us. I think that's when personally, I also started spiraling down as a partner, as her boyfriend. I was starting to take her love, our couple, as a given. That it would be there despite everything and/or anything and it would resist the test of time. I went back in October for a weekend. There was a small dance at her school and I promised I'd go. I also bought rings. We had looked at some in September, but never really decided to buy some. The night of the dance, after preparing and dressing up, I brought her in the room I was sleeping in and told her mother beforehand so we could have a little moment and I knelt down and offered her the rings. She teared up and I also ruined part of her make-up that night. (Little parentheses, boys, never do that. Just never) I promised that one day, I would marry her. That despite some issues we've had, that I still have and needed to be fixing, with her love and her help, I'd work them out, become the man of her dreams and that one day, I would marry her and I would make her my wife. We hugged so intensely that I don't even remember how long that lasted. We went to the dance afterwards. The dance was mainly rap music, something I don't really enjoy listening to or dancing to, but on a plus side, I never knew I could dance so well and she was so beautiful and sexy. The next time we saw each other was at Christmas. She came up here this time.

    ---------- Post added at 09:44 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:43 PM ----------

    It was the most incredible Christmas ever. After rushing through trying to get her a passport, getting the money to pay for the flight ticket and just the nervousness racking and everything, we finally could see each other again. Getting her from Burlington was a mess and we ended up going to get her the next day in New York because of that big freak blizzard that disabled all of the airspace. It was crazy. After that, I went up there for my eighteenth birthday in March. She official became Jail bait. We laughed about that a lot. It still makes me chuckle when I think about it. She came back in June and that’s when I made my second big mistake. A friend of mine whom I’ve known for quite some time now, even before I got into a relationship have always had this friendly approach to each other and thinking back now, maybe to friendly. What seemed to us normal and friendly talk and teasing looked like flirting to my soulmate. It broke her heart and for the third time, I broke that promise that I’d never make her cry so much. That night, after talking, being shouted at, I forced her to hit me and scratch my back until I bled to get the frustration out. I held her tightly and didn’t let her go and understood that I couldn’t do it again. That even though, this time, it was just words, to her, it felt like I had cheated. The same as what had happened the first time, as a year and some months ago. Even though after a couple of weeks everything came back to normal, there was a lot of doubt and a lot of criticizing. It was already planned that we’d see each other for two weeks that summer, but there was a lot of tension in our relationship.

    Those final two last weeks were the last weeks we’d live as a couple together. It is still freshly on my mind and I do not feel that I am ready quite yet to talk about them, a lot of things happened, a lot of good and bad things. There is one thing I regret above all else. We got into a fight the first week together and we were at the beach in Myrtle. I wanted to propose, fully and genuinely propose. Show her that despite everything, I would change and I wanted to change, but the night I was going to, we got into a fight and argued and instead of proposing, I just simply held her and constantly whispered I love you into her ear while she was crying against my chest. To this day, I regret not having knelt down and proposed. I feel like it would have changed everything, but then what man would propose in such situation. You always want to give her that perfect moment, that perfect proposal and that’s what I wanted. I wanted to give her the best and nothing less. Friends of the family came with us and one of the girls, whom to my eyes, is just like a little sister, I’ve known her since I was six, was there as well. Once again, what seemed to me as friendly and just teasing, she perceived it as flirting and that just ended it. I had skipped work that day, came home to her sitting on the floor, crying. I knew this was going to be rough. That afternoon, we shouted, argued and cried. We came to the question that every couple hates to ask themselves: Should we or should we not continue dating?

    At the time, with everything happening, with who I had become as a person, I thought that letting her go would be the right solution. Since I wasn’t the humble, the passionate and romantic guy she had met, since I wasn’t the spontaneous, funny and loving soulmate she decided to go out with anymore and that it was maybe time to quit. It was maybe time to let her go and let her continue living her life. We went to my mothers and talked to her about it. That same night, we ordered her tickets and she left the other day. I personally brought her to the airport and saw her off. The night before, we cried, held each other tight and fell asleep, even though many would have decided to sleep apart in that kind of situation. We both woke up a lot, but never did we utter a word. I just looked at her and listened to her cry silently.

    Comment


      #3
      Four months have passed now. She and I have talked many times and we still do, repeated the same things a lot of times as well. Many things have started to change. I still love her and many have told me to let go and let her live a new life, that nothing will ever be the same. I agree with them, I agree with them that nothing will ever be the same, but that is exactly why I’m running after her. She has given me everything when we were going out and I took it all and in the end, gave her nothing but pain and sorrow. This time, I will give her back everything and more. I never believed in God, because I thought I was perfect, or to say the least. That I had everything in me to do it and everything was okay. Those four months have been hell, for both me and her. I realized that what I thought before wasn’t true. I easily succumbed to smoking a lot and drinking incredible amounts, enough that one night I had to get rushed to the hospital. I could have died that night. My drinking habits continued and I kept drinking lots and lots of hard liquor. My breath didn’t reek of liquor, I smelled liquor. Each time I sweat, the smell of alcohol would surround me. I had to have a very intense talk with my father about a couple of things and that same night, I talked to a friend of mine who is a professional author and motivator for kids and a fervent believer and religious man. I also listened to the three sermons about Marriage and Living as a couple and what a man and a woman should be in a married couple from the church where my ex goes.

      That night, I prayed and I let her listen. And I think that was the first time where our relationship had a very high up. I didn’t feel it directly, but after a couple of days, I saw the effect of bringing everything out. Am I anymore religious? No. I don’t believe in religion. Do I believe in God? Yes and No. I’m having a hard time, honestly. It’s new to me and I’m still having a hard time kneeling down every night by the bed to pray. And it’s not praying per say, but it’s just kneeling down and bringing everything out. Hoping, believing and wishing that there is someone out there, listening, taking his time out of their busy life-schedule to listen and aid you in your trials. You could say that anyone can take that role. I agree, but it isn’t the same. These kinds of things only matter when you do them alone, when you speak from the bottom of your soul and heart into nothingness, really. It’s about believing and seeing that there is a man up there, somewhere, anywhere in this world that is better and that will always be better than you are. So that when you want to be the same as that man and that you happen to get to his equal, well look bud because he’s already one thousand feet in front of you and you just need to keep getting better and better. That is how I see it. That is how I know that I will always become and want to become better. I’ve also decided to work on myself personally, as much emotionally as physically. It would be too easy to want all of this just so I could get her back. I’m not doing this for her. I’m doing this for her. I’m doing this for me. Because despite trying hard to change who I currently am, at the end of the road, she still might not be able to date me again. Her heart, even though mended, might not be able to take it, even if she still loves me, even though she still is my best friend. But I need to do this for me, for my legacy, for my future kids and my future family. That is the hard part. It is easy to change others; it is harder to change yourself. My commitment issues are number one at the top of the list. When will I know I have achieved my number on goal? When I’ll have followed up with everything under it and that the last remaining thing to do on my list is commitment issue. And it might still not be then, I’ll probably never know until the right time. All of this and much more, might take a couple of months, a year or a couple of years to happen. I’ll never know until the moment is there in front of me. I have also promised myself to let go from the all the porn I've been watching as well. And I've been porn-free for about a month and half now, if you can say that. Although porn wasn't cheating and it served a purpose for blowing some self-built steam, it blinded me towards her sexual needs which I'll admit, I had bigger ones and she less. Where it was something more emotional and intimate for her, to my eyes, it was more physical and I lacked the balance. And I believe that letting go from porn will help me realize and understand hers or any other womans sexuality better. That sometimes, it is okay to ask for it in the morning and let it be purely physical and that sometimes, its okay to just not have sex for two-three days so that the next time, its just something much more intimate, much more special and a valuable memory and experience. Self-restraint and patience is going to be two of the biggest and hardest qualities that I'm going to have to develop and keep developing in my life if I want this to work. We have talked about seeing each other at some point. We don’t know when and the upcoming Christmas isn’t a safe and well-thought out time, but she told me that when I couldn’t take it anymore, to hop in and come see her. And I will, I promise you that I will, wherever you are Kylee.

      Comment


        #4
        Out of everything that has happened to us, I may have left behind an amazing and loving girlfriend, a wonderful and unique wife, but despite everything, I still have an understanding and comprehensive best friend that will stand by my side to help me become better, just as I will do the same for her and be watching over her so she stays protected, safe and so she knows that there will always be someone to whom she can talk to without any restraints. Today, tonight, right now, Kylee, I love you. And this love I feel for this little girl is probably the closest kind of love I have felt for this little girl that resembles the love I’ve felt that first year just before we met that first time and that feeling just helps me push myself further because I know I’ll always have you as friend.

        I do not know what your username on LFDR is, but I know you are here. And I hope you decide to read this and you realize it is me, Tchad, who is talking. I hope that even though you heart and soul might feel numb right now, that despite everything that’s holding you back, that you’ll let go and you’ll let yourself feel once again everything you have felt back then for me and that you’ll take everything I feel for you and let it feel your mind and heart. I also understand that it might take some time for your to completely forgive me and that it might take even more time for your body to get used to me, but I’ll wait and while I’ll wait, I’ll make myself better and when we are ready, if we really are soulmates, somewhere in the future, destiny, faith, luck, whatever you want to call it, will make our path’s cross roads again. I promise.

        And in the end, I’ve came to realize these couple points that made it to fact that we broke up:

        • We spent too much time concentrating on each other, on our love and wanting to prove to everyone that our long distance relationship was possible and we could do it despite the distance that we lost all balance that we used to have in our lives. Instead of concentrating on friends, activities and family, we only concentrated on us which made us too much intimate and in the end; we would only burst our bubble of space and get on each other’s nerves.
        • We grew up and matured to fast. We were already more matured then the average of our age group and I believe that when you undertake a long distance relationship, you must be more mature as well. We were so much more mature and serious about our relationship that we at the age of eighteen and sixteen, we were already talking about moving out and living together and her coming to live up here for her education since I had at the time a stable job and could support us.
        • We had lost ourselves in our relationship after the second year had passed. When we finally met each other, we didn’t take the precautions we should have. We basked in our love and our wanting of each other and never were careful that that same exact love could ruin our relationship. It made us take our love and our emotions a given and something that would always stay there and never disappear. We lost our personality that seduced each other so long ago.
        • I was an ass. Thoroughly and every meaning of that word and many other words refer to what I am and how I feel about myself. I’ve done the unforgivable and not once, but thrice. Some of you might say, but flirting is simply flirting and that she’s the one who’s insecure. Well, that might be the case, but she told me many times that she didn’t like it, that it hurt her deep inside and I should of respected that with utmost care and love and I didn’t.


        • I wanted to give her everything and by everything, I mean everything. And not only that, I wanted everything too big and perfect. This ties a little in the: I lost myself category, but I prefer to put it apart because it is not the same thing entirely. Women don’t want huge surprises or amazing romantic moments. All they want is you and that little thing, that little spark of imagination and attempt to do something for them will make their heart and body shudder with glee and joy. That night, even though proposing is something big and serious to think about, that night, that was the little thing I should have done to prove to her that I deserved her and that I was the one. Even though you might not have a lot of money to spend, a lot of time to give, make some. Make some time and give them whatever you can with what money you have, you don’t even have to use money. Just give them some of your time and do something for them as little as it is and they’ll love it.

        Conclusion
        This is my story. I have learnt a lot, seen a lot and hurt a lot. I’ve created a lot of hurt as well, but despite everything, despite the hurt and the shame and the regret, I will not settle down until I make amends and until I prove everyone wrong once again, until she and I prove everyone wrong again. If you are in the same situation, the take my example and fix your relationship. You can do it. Don’t be an ass and bend your ego, bend your macho-personality and show her that you love her as nothing else. If you feel necessary to comment, please do so. Be respectful and be honest at the same time. It has been a very hard three hours of writing all of this and it means a lot to me. I’ve said it and now I write it so that my trials, my destination and the path I chose stay archived within this site so that others might refer to it. Be constructive, if you need to be negative. I understand that some of you will see me as a vile human being and as someone who deserves shit and to die alone and lonely. And that’s okay, that how you see it. But if you want to post something, make it constructive then. If you see something that I haven’t stated, state it. If you feel that you cannot hold your anger towards me, then just speak the topic entirely and move to something else.

        Thank you dearest community and I will come back to keep you all updated on things that may happen in my life. Goodnight.

        Comment


          #5
          efore-Hand NOTICE: Before I continue any further, the irony and note, not the sarcasm, the self-irony of the threads title does not and will never permit you to be an ASS or be DISRESPECTFUL.
          Thank you for your understanding, Ladies and Gent.


          WARNING! VERY LONG. I would greatly appreciate! If not, just go to the two last post I guess.
          Is this directed at me? I was trying to do you a favor by telling you that the huge font is distracting. Nobody is going to take you seriously if you're posting in huge red letters. I don't understand why you feel the need to do it.

          Comment


            #6
            I'm sorry if you felt offended, but I've got the bad experience of people being blind and just simply asses. So its rubs off on me. I took it down, because although I still think of it necessary, I agree that the big flashy message was maybe over the top to intrusive.

            Comment

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