jealousy and trust issues

[chateau]

My story is quite long and unusual.

Me and my bf met in London 2 years ago through a common friend while he still had a gf. We hit it off pretty fast especially because I was just looking for fun on my trip to London but not ruin a relationship (also an LDR) so I didnt go too far but far enough that it can be considered cheating. Many may say once a cheater always a cheater and if you were cheated on you will be cheated with but am I crazy to think this may be different?

We kept talking and he was really flirty and would always tell me how amazing I was, etc... we got really close but he stayed with his gf. The second time we kissed and spent a night together (again not going too far), a few days later I had to call the "friendship" off because it was heading in a direction I didn't like. Throughout the whole time though him and his gf had been having issues, she cheated on him and he knew it but hadnt confronted her about it. When we stopped talking he did end up confronting her and he also cheated on her again with another girl she cheated a few more times also. A few days after they broke up we coincidentally met at a friends party and the same thing happened but this time he was single.

Long story short, time went on and when he went off to London again when his University started it became a LDR. Only becoming official in december mainly because I couldnt stand having an unofficial whatever we were having. Two days later I went through his phone because he forgot it at my house I didnt expect to find anything but as it turns out he had lied to me before saying he didnt have anything with a girl when he actually did and a few weeks before making it official he apparently wanted something ( nothing serious) with another girl back in London, he also said specifically nothing serious because he didnt want to hurt the special girl he had back home.

It was still quite disturbing though and now that hes back in London I feel Im being paranoid and jealous and I'm trying to find a way to trust him again because he said sorry and he's made it clear that all he wants is me but it'S sooo hard to get those thoughts out of my head especially because they have a few lectures together!

Before he left the girl messaged him and i saw it and saw that he had also deleted all messages before which made me suspicious. Also his first day back in uni he told me he was gonna talk to her so i had nothing to worry about and then left for more than 6 hours i was going craaazyy! my mind started going circles thinking irrational things like why does he have time to talk to her but no time to talk to me right now, what if theyre busy, etc.

I really want to get through this but I'm having trouble figure out how. Ive considered going internetless for a day so i can calm my nerves but it makes me crazier. It is all so weird for me because i was NEVER a jealous person and was always the calm one, I barely recognize myself lately but i really love him and this is why im trying to learn to trust him. I guess thats the whole definition of love makes you crazy huh?

I would appreciate if anybody with experience could help me think out a solution to this.
Thank you in advance

[Verojoon]

Of course it could just ne the way it came across in writing, but the feeling I got from it all is I wouldn't trust him. I'm not saying you can never trust him, because you guys are still young enough and it doesn't mean that this behaviour is set in stone but what you have seen of his behaviour (and the behavious of those he has been involved with) makes it kind of hard to trust him.

I see posts often where the girl is feeling jealous for no reason, but in this case I have to ask you, has he ever given you a reason to trust him? Was cheating on his ex ok because they were having issues? Was it okay and normal that she cheated on him too?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not passing judgement. I am the last person to do that. When I met my SO, I was married. I never even met my SO in person until after the marriage ended... but still, to me, that was cheating. To me it was a behaviour that shuldn't have happened. Were there reasons why it happened? Yes! Does it make me a bad person? NO. But I put myself in a situation that it would be completely understandable if I needed to earn my SO's trust... And he knew the story, he knew the emptions behind it... He knows everything so he trusts me 100%, but I had to earn it...

I think you really need to have a good talk to him. You need to lay it on the table like you have with us. It's making you crazy, this is how you feel about it. Be rational and not emotional. Listen to his words, but most of all, trust your gut... And from there, you need to make a decision for what works for you and what you can or cannot accept!

[teachernicole]

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't trust the guy. It seems like he's not at a point where he can be serious in a relationship. Those just aren't things you do when you are in a relationship. I agree with Verojoon, talk to him. You shouldn't have to worry or be jealous or stay home wondering what he's doing all the time.

[differentcountries]

You went through his phone? And got crazy over messages he sent a girl when you were not even officially together? And he really agreed he was the one with a problem... Seriously.

[Moon]

You went through his phone? And got crazy over messages he sent a girl when you were not even officially together? And he really agreed he was the one with a problem... Seriously.

This! Also, I'm in love and I'm not crazy, so....
If I found my guy going through my phone, he'd be gone immediately. This whole thing you've got going on sounds kind of toxic, there's no trust, other girls could be involved, etc. You might want to rethink what you really want to get out of this.

[snow_girl]

You went through his phone? And got crazy over messages he sent a girl when you were not even officially together? And he really agreed he was the one with a problem... Seriously.

Yea srsly.

Also I might have to agree with the once a cheater always a cheater on this guy, if he did it as often as you say with his ex what makes you think you are so special that he won't cheat on you?

[differentcountries]

Yea srsly.

Also I might have to agree with the once a cheater always a cheater on this guy, if he did it as often as you say with his ex what makes you think you are so special that he won't cheat on you?

From what I can tell he used to be in a relationship where he got cheeted on, and also himself played with fire /cheeted. Then he acts like a normal, perhaps restless, man, flirting with whoever he likes. I don't know what in all of this makes the op nervous and jealous. Perhaps he has learned bad habits. Perhaps he is used to discretion and suspicion in a relationship. Perhaps his energy gives her bad vibes. I don't know. Anyway nothing gets resolved by spying on your lover. There is no way anyone can prove to anyone else that they are true. You just have to trust them.

[Dezface]

Look, there are situations where things like this CAN work. But it depends a whole lot on the details of the previous relationship, the behavior in the current one, and the ability to trust each other. You definitely don't have the last two going for you. You're both not behaving all that well and it seems that you're really not willing to let the past go. If you can't get over him cheating on his ex, that's your right. But you can't make a relationship work if you're going to hold it over his head and use it as an excuse to snoop.

I don't see this ending well at all. I'd cut my losses, personally.

[piratemama]

It sounds bad that you felt the need to search his phone, like your gut was telling you something wasn't right. I'd follow the gut instinct in this case. When you don't have the trust, you usually have a reason.

[chateau]

I'll take the time to try and defend myself for having gone through his phone. Even though it may be besides the point.

I grew up basically with a cheating father (theyre still married and I still know everything but it doesnt hit me as much as it used to) and my mom would have me go through his phone. I told my SO this long before we were officially together and he said he has nothing to hide whats mine is yours whenever you feel like it go through it. I never felt the need after he said that but then when he forgot it I thought I would because WE WERE OFFICIALLY TOGETHER by then and when i told him i went through his phone he was completely fine with it so i guess in this case we all are going to have to agree to disagree with whether or not it was right to go through his phone.

[piratemama]

I'll take the time to try and defend myself for having gone through his phone. Even though it may be besides the point.

I grew up basically with a cheating father (theyre still married and I still know everything but it doesnt hit me as much as it used to) and my mom would have me go through his phone. I told my SO this long before we were officially together and he said he has nothing to hide whats mine is yours whenever you feel like it go through it. I never felt the need after he said that but then when he forgot it I thought I would because WE WERE OFFICIALLY TOGETHER by then and when i told him i went through his phone he was completely fine with it so i guess in this case we all are going to have to agree to disagree with whether or not it was right to go through his phone.

I'm not saying it's wrong to go through his phone (that's between the two of you), but I'm saying it is a sign trust is lacking. You lack trust in him, and that's a sign of a bigger issue.

[ethelynn]

I don't know what it is, but recently almost every topic i read that has something in it that is something some people disagree, they attack the OP and say their opinion in quite a harsh way. Maybe it's just me, but people come here for advice for a reason, being that way won't help.

I would recommand having a serious talk about what the relationship means to him and about his boundaries. I'd ask him to say what he thinks about it and if you really need then what is different about you and his ex. Or you telling him what you expect of a relationship and about your fears, asking him to be out front with you about whether or not he can give you what you need. Did he say why he deleted her messages? It also just could be to just not have them there for you to look and get jealous about (i mean the ones you already saw).

[differentcountries]

Your mom made you go through your father's phone searching for cheating proof... And perhaps because they ended up still together you think the ethics and usefulness of it is beside the point. But I think you underestimate how checking up on people may make them feel like they are superviced and breed rebellion.

[BagOfPenguins]

I will tell you about my experiences with a situation like this now, but I want to remind you, it reeealy doesn't always have to be like this, it's just what happened to me. I had pretty much exactly the same thing happen to me, with the guy not really cheating because we weren't official yet, but then again it was mostly because we hadn't talked about it yet. Now in hindsight, this is a HUGE red flag to me. Now this is just the way I feel it is, considering what I experienced after that, if he had been really into you, he wouldn't have cared for any other girl, never mind if he tells her it's nothing special between them or whatnot.
Back to my story though (this was a CD btw), we officially got together, everything was going great. Then, things were not looking as great and he immediately went back for her again.
My opinion on this is, if he isn't really completely into you, don't bother, it's not like you're gonna change him or anything. But then again, everyone is different, for some people it really might just not mean anything to sleep with someone when they are getting to know someone else, and I also have been there. So all I can say basically is, take care of yourself, that is the single most important thing!

[ThePiedPiper]

Your mom made you go through your father's phone searching for cheating proof... And perhaps because they ended up still together you think the ethics and usefulness of it is beside the point. But I think you underestimate how checking up on people may make them feel like they are superviced and breed rebellion.

Rebellion doesn't (or shouldn't) make somebody cheat or sneak around, speaking of ethics. If it's an issue to her SO, he should talk to her about it, not use it as an excuse or means of screwing around. However, if it isn't, it isn't. I have a couple friends who snoop but both parties have no issue with it. For me that'd be a violation, but everyone's different. That said, the issue the OP came for is clearly that the SO is a cheater, not that she doesn't know whether she should or shouldn't have gone through the phone. Whether she would have gone through the phone under normal circumstances is undetermined but it happened and she can't change it now, so everyone repeating that she shouldn't have or it will make him seek something elsewhere is beating a dead horse.

@ the OPer: whether you love him or don't, he clearly does not love or at least respect you. You don't have flings to avoid hurting the one you love. You don't have flings at all. He has shown on a couple occasions that he's a serial cheater and no one, including you, is special enough to be the one that changes things. If he's not cheating now, he will. Simple as that. He is not LDR material or even CD material, if you want a committed and monogamous relationship. Some people change; others want to have their cake and eat it too. He sounds like the latter. Additionally, the trust issues here are so significant that there might be no bouncing back. Sometimes a relationship is too broken or contains too much hurt and insecurity to fix. I know that this isn't what you want to hear, but you're better off without him and he's better off staying single until he can keep it in his pants and have a monogamous relationship or find someone who is okay with having multiple partners.