I was 14 when I met the man I refer to now as my Mad Hatter. My life had been unkind to me thus far and I had developed a phobia of men years ago. Online I was fine talking in public forums to guys, but anything instant and personal like AIM or MSN I panicked and would block them out of fright. I had joined a young adult forum about a year ago and had just returned after dealing with a now ex-best friend's male lover who had tried goading me into cyber sex. I joined a roleplaying group on the site. For those not in the know, roleplaying is basic story telling. Someone sets up a plot or world and you act as a character or several throughout the whole story. Everyone in the group thus far seemed to know one another and were older, high school kids whereas I was in the 8th grade. Still I was accepted because I could write very well but I tended to lag behind because I was constantly getting grounded for being "sick" (this was before we knew of any mental illnesses I had so every time I stayed home saying I was sick my mom thought I was lying and would disconnect the internet since we still had AOL at the time) and I didn't know anyone too well.
After a couple months I became casual friends with the two other girls in the group and this was about the time he entered the picture. Everyone knew him from other groups and he was well-liked because of his ability to put out around 5 pages per post yet not have anything sound like it was given unnecessary detail or trailed off from his point. When he joined and began posting I felt instant envy because even the most trivial things sounded fantastic in his words. Everyone praised him and he batted it away playfully and though I complimented him too, I was jealous and intimidated. Late 2005 after my first 9th grade year where I failed because of my trailing habit to skip and the fact I was suspended because my mom forged a doctor's note on my behalf, I disappeared for 2 month because of Katrina. When I surfaced again he was the first to find me and offered me something I thought he had to be crazy for. He asked if I wanted to be in his roleplaying group. I shyly accepted all the while doing a happy dance in my mind because it was a compliment in and of itself that he wanted me alongside him and other skilled writers. I remember the character I created and his becoming enemies but it actually got us talking a bit more since we teased about the crazy things they'd do to one another. What I hadn't known at the time was he'd had a crush on me for a while and he was using these groups as a way to get closer to me, none of which ever worked because I forcefully kept my distance because I was afraid anything I'd say casually would demean his opinion of me.
For periods of time he'd disappear and I learned much later he was in military training with 2008/09 being some active duty in Iraq. In 07 he invited me to another group and though it didn't last long (they never seemed to, though I enjoyed being around him and his ideas even if I was still a tad green about it all) I let us grow closer this time. I had been on anti-depressants for about a year then and they were keeping me happy so I had thrown caution to the wind with talking to him. Plus, I was 17, I wasn't as scared of him anymore. (note: I'd never been afraid of him because he was a guy. I was afraid he'd belittle me because his writing skills were vastly superior. He's the only guy I've never feared because of his gender or thought he wanted to rape me whenever he was nice to me) But again he disappeared, personal life pulling him away. In the original group I'd finally made a secondary character around the middle of 2008 and hadn't heard anything about the acceptance. He hadn't been in the group since he left sometime in 05 due to a fight he and the guy who ran the group had but around November he came back with a new character. I jumped at the chance to have my character partner up with his since they were both part of a business faction and he happily accepted. When we began working together, I think this set the course. The very atmosphere we accidentally created was very, well, sexual, and we were both having the times of our lives by creating this fictional love-hate tension with our characters. Reading back on these posts, every last one was blatant flirting. About March of 09 things in the roleplay went quiet and I didn't hear from anyone, even him.
Around this time he'd been dating a girl on the other side of the US who was very messed up. He cared for her deeply and wanted to do anything for her, but all she wanted was for him to meet her and, literally, kill her. I'm not sure how it ended but he told me after we began dating she messed him up horribly and had nearly destroyed him because he had invested so much in her. He had pretty much given up on finding anyone and just resigned to sex and loneliness. The last guy I had ever felt strong feelings for humiliated me in front of a group of people when he found out I liked him, claiming it was disgusting. Ironically that had been shortly after we had met, so I'd already gone down the celibacy path and had, in 09, convinced myself I was asexual because it had been years since I'd found any guy attractive or wanted anyone in my life romantically. I still ached to be loved, but I was so messed up in the head I thought no guy would put up with it and my weight.
January 2010, I received an IM from him under a new username. The group's leader had been MIA a year and he was tired of waiting, and so was I. We decided to make a sequel of sorts, leaving a 2 year time gap so everyone could say what had been going on since then. At first we were strictly business but once things were set up and going, we talked and caught up (and he helped me deal with the problems of an ex-friend blocking me because I was so out of control with my emotions and she was losing interest in being around me that she wouldn't be online for weeks and I'd yell at her and refuse to listen to her talk about her college friends) and he introduced me to his best friend, who was a girl. The three of us hung out every evening when he came home from work, he'd just begun working at Disney World in Florida, and we often play flirted. Our one-on-one conversations tended to range from flirting, serious debates (a favorite being the roles of each Wonderland character, it's how he earned his nickname Mad Hatter and I, March Hare) and at one point I began telling him personal stories, like what my dad did to me, how I was bullied by boys at the church I used to attend, etc. He told me some personal things and we began seeing how similar our lives were and how we perceived certain things to be alike as well. I likened it to a shattered tea cup's pieces being glued together again.
Early February while we were talking he admitted that he was 'interested' in me. I hadn't thought much on it but the entire week it seemed to come up nearly every night and the more it did the more he'd add on how he knew I wasn't interested in a relationship, that he didn't want a long distance one again, but it was hard to restrain himself. He also mentioned his best friend had feelings for him and he didn't want to hurt her because she'd been hurt by so many guys before and he loved her like a big brother even though she was older than him. Around the same time she and I got his Facebook profile and friended him and it was the first time I'd ever seen him. It shocked me, because I didn't know he was black. It didn't bother me and when the shock wore off I thumbed through the pictures (I ended up saving several) I found my cheeks pinkening. He was terribly handsome, but moreover he held this look in his eyes, in every picture, that said he had a world inside his mind far more complex, beautiful, and superior to our reality and he was teasing you with it and reminding you only he had access. It was everything I'd known about him in two orbs in a picture. I'd liked him for a while, but seeing that even in the real world that's how and who he was, I was smitten. [cont'd]
After a couple months I became casual friends with the two other girls in the group and this was about the time he entered the picture. Everyone knew him from other groups and he was well-liked because of his ability to put out around 5 pages per post yet not have anything sound like it was given unnecessary detail or trailed off from his point. When he joined and began posting I felt instant envy because even the most trivial things sounded fantastic in his words. Everyone praised him and he batted it away playfully and though I complimented him too, I was jealous and intimidated. Late 2005 after my first 9th grade year where I failed because of my trailing habit to skip and the fact I was suspended because my mom forged a doctor's note on my behalf, I disappeared for 2 month because of Katrina. When I surfaced again he was the first to find me and offered me something I thought he had to be crazy for. He asked if I wanted to be in his roleplaying group. I shyly accepted all the while doing a happy dance in my mind because it was a compliment in and of itself that he wanted me alongside him and other skilled writers. I remember the character I created and his becoming enemies but it actually got us talking a bit more since we teased about the crazy things they'd do to one another. What I hadn't known at the time was he'd had a crush on me for a while and he was using these groups as a way to get closer to me, none of which ever worked because I forcefully kept my distance because I was afraid anything I'd say casually would demean his opinion of me.
For periods of time he'd disappear and I learned much later he was in military training with 2008/09 being some active duty in Iraq. In 07 he invited me to another group and though it didn't last long (they never seemed to, though I enjoyed being around him and his ideas even if I was still a tad green about it all) I let us grow closer this time. I had been on anti-depressants for about a year then and they were keeping me happy so I had thrown caution to the wind with talking to him. Plus, I was 17, I wasn't as scared of him anymore. (note: I'd never been afraid of him because he was a guy. I was afraid he'd belittle me because his writing skills were vastly superior. He's the only guy I've never feared because of his gender or thought he wanted to rape me whenever he was nice to me) But again he disappeared, personal life pulling him away. In the original group I'd finally made a secondary character around the middle of 2008 and hadn't heard anything about the acceptance. He hadn't been in the group since he left sometime in 05 due to a fight he and the guy who ran the group had but around November he came back with a new character. I jumped at the chance to have my character partner up with his since they were both part of a business faction and he happily accepted. When we began working together, I think this set the course. The very atmosphere we accidentally created was very, well, sexual, and we were both having the times of our lives by creating this fictional love-hate tension with our characters. Reading back on these posts, every last one was blatant flirting. About March of 09 things in the roleplay went quiet and I didn't hear from anyone, even him.
Around this time he'd been dating a girl on the other side of the US who was very messed up. He cared for her deeply and wanted to do anything for her, but all she wanted was for him to meet her and, literally, kill her. I'm not sure how it ended but he told me after we began dating she messed him up horribly and had nearly destroyed him because he had invested so much in her. He had pretty much given up on finding anyone and just resigned to sex and loneliness. The last guy I had ever felt strong feelings for humiliated me in front of a group of people when he found out I liked him, claiming it was disgusting. Ironically that had been shortly after we had met, so I'd already gone down the celibacy path and had, in 09, convinced myself I was asexual because it had been years since I'd found any guy attractive or wanted anyone in my life romantically. I still ached to be loved, but I was so messed up in the head I thought no guy would put up with it and my weight.
January 2010, I received an IM from him under a new username. The group's leader had been MIA a year and he was tired of waiting, and so was I. We decided to make a sequel of sorts, leaving a 2 year time gap so everyone could say what had been going on since then. At first we were strictly business but once things were set up and going, we talked and caught up (and he helped me deal with the problems of an ex-friend blocking me because I was so out of control with my emotions and she was losing interest in being around me that she wouldn't be online for weeks and I'd yell at her and refuse to listen to her talk about her college friends) and he introduced me to his best friend, who was a girl. The three of us hung out every evening when he came home from work, he'd just begun working at Disney World in Florida, and we often play flirted. Our one-on-one conversations tended to range from flirting, serious debates (a favorite being the roles of each Wonderland character, it's how he earned his nickname Mad Hatter and I, March Hare) and at one point I began telling him personal stories, like what my dad did to me, how I was bullied by boys at the church I used to attend, etc. He told me some personal things and we began seeing how similar our lives were and how we perceived certain things to be alike as well. I likened it to a shattered tea cup's pieces being glued together again.
Early February while we were talking he admitted that he was 'interested' in me. I hadn't thought much on it but the entire week it seemed to come up nearly every night and the more it did the more he'd add on how he knew I wasn't interested in a relationship, that he didn't want a long distance one again, but it was hard to restrain himself. He also mentioned his best friend had feelings for him and he didn't want to hurt her because she'd been hurt by so many guys before and he loved her like a big brother even though she was older than him. Around the same time she and I got his Facebook profile and friended him and it was the first time I'd ever seen him. It shocked me, because I didn't know he was black. It didn't bother me and when the shock wore off I thumbed through the pictures (I ended up saving several) I found my cheeks pinkening. He was terribly handsome, but moreover he held this look in his eyes, in every picture, that said he had a world inside his mind far more complex, beautiful, and superior to our reality and he was teasing you with it and reminding you only he had access. It was everything I'd known about him in two orbs in a picture. I'd liked him for a while, but seeing that even in the real world that's how and who he was, I was smitten. [cont'd]
First off, I loved reading it!
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