Trying to Not Look a Gift Horse in the Mouth

[Sierra]

When my boyfriend and I decided to move in together/me move to Texas my mom got really excited, founded a local University, told me that if I went back to school she would fully support me so I could go to school and not work. I applied and was accepted and since then I've expressed my displeasure at having my mother pay for all of my expenses. I'm an adult and I don't feel like my mother should pay for me to live with my boyfriend and I cannot imagine my life without having a source of income, it's just too stressful.

Over the last few days I've been trying to set my class schedule so I can take all my classes on two days and work the other 4 taking one day to myself for homework. She decided that today we should talk so she could "eliminate some of the stress for me" by telling me exactly how much she's willing to support me. $125 a week and half my rent. (I'll be living alone for several months before my boyfriend moves in with me, and this time alone is when I REALLY need the support) Le sigh. That is not full support. Not even close.

But I do get where she's coming from so I am not going to complain to her, I'm certainly thankful for anything and I know how lucky I am. But what does this mean? I'm even MORE stressed because I'm going to have to work more than I thought. She thinks I'm going to magically find a job in my field (legal and not going to happen right away) and I'm going to have to work retail which means I'm going to have to cut back on the number of classes I take a semester.

I mean, I guess it's fine in the end, I just wanted to vent. I was really excited to go back to school full time and work part time, but now it looks like it'll be school part time and work as close to full time as I can get.

[Dziubka]

I'm sorry.
No matter how much I disagree with parents supporting their adult children, I don't think it's ok from your mum to say she's going to support you and then a few months before you actually move take it back and only pay half. It might be just me, but I like planning things in advance and for that to work out I need to be able to rely on people and what they say.
I was in a smiliar situation in my first semester (though it was governmental financial aid that turned out half than what I had been expecting) and, as you know, my boyfriend's in a similar situation now. His mum said she was going to pay for everything when he moves, but when he signed to lease for the room and told her how much it was going to be and how much he needed, she told him she told him he needed to get a job. I knew it was going to be like that, though. So I wasn't surprised at all. Sometimes being a die hard realist is a good thing.

Most things aren't as bad as they seem at first glance, though and there's always a way to work with things.
Could you take out a student loan? I'm usually highly against going in debt for anything. Anything other than education (and possibly housing) that is. With a combination if your mum's support, a part time job and a student loan, you wouldn't have to take out that much and it would be less expensive.

[lucybelle]

I agree with what Dzuibka said. I went to school full time, worked part time, and was on my university swim team (plus the semester where I had to student teach which cut back on my work hours.. ugh so glad those days are over!). Your days are long, your fridge is empty, your beers are Busch Lite, but it can be done! I was so broke in college one time I couldn't afford a $10 lab book because I only had $3 in my bank account. My friends used to ask me to do the 5/5/5 pizza deal with them and I'd have to turn it down, because I just didn't have $5 to spend. It's stressful, but I really think I'm a better person because of it.

I don't know the economy up there, but if your rent is say $700 a month, and your mom pays $350, plus $125/week (two weeks means the other half of rent), plus a part time job (let's say $10/hr for 20 hours a week= $200/week). That seems like plenty to get by to me. You might need to readjust some of your lifestyle, but you'll get by! Plenty of people get by on less.

[Dziubka]

Plus if you live closer to your boyfriend you save on the travelling.
I'm so looking forward to having that extra €100 a month

In my first semester of uni I was so ridiculously poor. After rent, food and phone (which is only about €10/month) I literally had no money left. I had to save up to copy text books and I couldn't go out at all, because I couldn't even afford entrance to most places (let alone drink there). It sucked majorly and I hated to hear my neighbours or friends complain that their parents can't afford to give them enough money to go to the cinema or theatre.

But I survived, managed to sort out financial aid and found a better job with more hours. And I'm actually glad I learnt to get by on very little money. It's a useful skill!
My flatmate this semester was dirt poor as well, which would have been bad enough on its own, but she couldn't handle money at all. I had to bite my tongue to not comment on the super expensive luxery food in our fridge, most of which went to waste in the end anyway.

[Sierra]

So I talked to my boyfriend about all this. Part of it was hard to wrap my head around because the cost of living where I live is ASTRONOMICAL (gas is $4.39/gallon here, it's $3.40 where he is) and the cost of living where he is, isn't. He assured me that what my mom was offering would be way more than enough and I really shouldn't stress out about it. It's just that where I live now, it would do nothing.

Furthermore, and thankfully (I think my mom talked to her best friend). My mom's offer has changed into something I'm MUCH more comfortable with. She said she didn't like the idea of me feeling pressured to move in with my boyfriend (if I wasn't ready) when he and I had decided for just financial reasons, so until we live together she'll give me $1,000 a month until we move in together. $500 for rent and $500 for living. Which really lifted a burden off my back. With the $500, I can pay rent and the money she gives me I can live off Ramen and then pay the remainder of my bills. After my boyfriend and I move in together, depending on my school work load, her original offer will remain (half the rent and $125 a week) but if I have a job I'll just ask for what I actually need.

Part of me is just SO STRESSED about the moving and not having an income thing. I'm really hoping when I go out there for a week in April/May I'll be able to find a job, no matter what it is, so I have some income coming in.

Right now, because of my disability, I live penny to penny and it's stressful. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I know when my boyfriend and I live together things will be much easier, but I don't want to rely on him, I want to be able to make ends meet and not be stressed about money anymore. However, I also know it's not my mothers responsibility to provide this to me.

I feel more secure and hopeful now.

[digitalfever]

Furthermore, and thankfully (I think my mom talked to her best friend). My mom's offer has changed into something I'm MUCH more comfortable with. She said she didn't like the idea of me feeling pressured to move in with my boyfriend (if I wasn't ready) when he and I had decided for just financial reasons, so until we live together she'll give me $1,000 a month until we move in together. $500 for rent and $500 for living. Which really lifted a burden off my back. With the $500, I can pay rent and the money she gives me I can live off Ramen and then pay the remainder of my bills. After my boyfriend and I move in together, depending on my school work load, her original offer will remain (half the rent and $125 a week) but if I have a job I'll just ask for what I actually need.

Part of me is just SO STRESSED about the moving and not having an income thing. I'm really hoping when I go out there for a week in April/May I'll be able to find a job, no matter what it is, so I have some income coming in.

Right now, because of my disability, I live penny to penny and it's stressful. I just don't want to live like that anymore. I know when my boyfriend and I live together things will be much easier, but I don't want to rely on him, I want to be able to make ends meet and not be stressed about money anymore. However, I also know it's not my mothers responsibility to provide this to me.

I feel more secure and hopeful now.

That’s really great that your mom has tweaked her offer and it will allow you some wiggle room with your money even if the wiggle room is deciding between beef or chicken Ramen. It’s just great that you’ll have some money while your own your own and then still have a bit coming in from your mom when your loving with your boyfriend.


I’m really happy that this burden was lifted off your chest and you’ll have an opportunity to breath now.

[Sierra]

I am too. It's just a hard adjustment to make and as I've said before, I can't remember if I have in this thread or not but having no income causes me a lot of anxiety.

I think too, she knows I don't expect her to support me for forever and she knows once I'm on my feet I won't ask for any support at all. I'm glad that she made me an offer that really alleviates my anxiety and of course too that she's looking out for what's best for me.

[digitalfever]

Those are normal and reasonable fears. I can't name anyone that would be OK with no livelihood coming from some where.

[princessmeg1328]

Your boyfriend is absolutely right. I used to live in the area that you're moving to now, and I made $200 a month with the job that I had. Granted, I lived on campus and had my housing and everything paid (through student loans) for before the semester started. The $200 I made was enough for me to buy food, gas, and still save up to see my fiance. I had a friend who rented an apartment, and her mom gave her $500 a month for rent, and she was still able to do everything she needed to. Rent and things are less expensive, especially in North Texas, than a lot of other place, even Central Texas where I am now. If you need help with anything, please don't hesitate to ask me. I know that everything will work out for you. I'm glad you're mom is helping out more. The $1,000 she'll be giving you is more than enough. Good luck!