Homesickness in closing the distance internationally

[SquishyLove]

Hi guys! Well, my fiance is on the plane from Moscow to Washington DC right now! We are of course both super excited to finally close the distance and be living together! This is long, but I wanted to lay out my concerns about my fiance having homesickness, as well as some family-related concerns in Russia, and get everyone's perspective.

I want to be prepared for the reality that he will be homesick sometimes. I want to hear perspectives of people who moved abroad to be with their SO, how they felt adjusting and assimilating to the new culture, and how they are feeling after some time of living in the new country with their SO. How shocking was the culture shock? How did you cope with depression of knowing you are far away from home and that it will be maybe a year or two until you can visit again? How did your SO react to your homesickness? I'm trying to coach myself not to take it personally of course, but to just be supportive for my SO. What did your SO do that was helpful for you? What did they possibly do that wasn't so helpful (so I know to avoid doing it myself)?

It's inevitable that it'll happen, and I want to know how to effectively help him cope. I know I shouldn't hover over him and baby him about it, because I don't think it's helpful and I don't think he'd like that. I know if he wants hugs and comfort about it, he'll come get them from me. I just basically want to know how I should react, maybe, if that makes sense. We have talked about this reality of him relocating to be with me. He has coached me that if he's homesick it doesn't mean he isn't happy to be here with me, but that he's adjusting and assimilating and that there's a period of adjustment for any immigrant.

Thanks in advance for any advice or perspectives, everyone!

[greensweatergirl]

Hey,

I actually read your first (longer) post, but I haven't been able to reply for now.

Last month I moved from Canada to be with my SO in England. Prior to that I lived in Japan for three years with only one visit back (I also could only afford about one trip every two years), so I have lots of experience with homesickness. These are things that have helped me, so I hope you can take a few ideas from this.

I'd encourage your SO to find a Russian ex-pat community that he can go to at least once a month. As nice and friendly as people were in Japan, I definitely found I needed a place where I could just automatically belong once in a while. I think we don't realize how much of who we are comes from culture, and how many of the same assumptions about life we share, until we are plunked down into a group of people who don't necessarily have the same values. As a teacher in Japan, I had kids who clearly needed extra help, or hearing tests, or whatever supplementary care. I had to fight tooth and nail because the Japanese parents would rather their kids fit in then get the help that would actually get them learning. In Canada I could have looked at a fellow teacher, they most likely would have agreed with my assessment, and we could have moved to address the problem together quickly. In Japan I had to explain my reasoning again, and again and again. While I appreciated the differences, it gets very tiring having to constantly explain things you think other people should just "get", which is why hanging out with other people like myself was wonderful. I could speak in my native language and people understood me without having to simplify what I was saying. I could mention that my aunt was divorced and people wouldn't need a 20 minute explanation of why. I could say "I hate that there's a raw egg on everything!", and I'd be met with sympathy. I don't think it's wise to isolate yourself in an ex-pat community (which I probably did a little too much), but I think having that place to go where you don't have to explain yourself is good.

Another thing that I got really homesick for about after a year was food. It hit me about 6 months in. I think the most difficult part wasn't eating mostly Japanese food (which was very delicious), but eating the Japanese idea of Western food. I wanted a pizza without corn on top, I wanted bread that wasn't an inch thick and made mostly of sugar, and I wanted HOT popcorn at movie theatres. So if you can, hit up the import stores and spend the extra money to buy the "real stuff" from Russia. I think cooking food from your own country has two advantages. First, you are showing you can do something other people in the country can't (great, because a lot of the time you feel the opposite), and second, food you know equals comfort to some extent. When I'm sad at night, I want a tub of double fudge ice cream, not one scoop of green tea sherbert. Realize his comfort foods are probably different from yours, and know where you can find some of them. If you can find an AUTHENTIC Russian restaurant near you, all the better.

One last thing that I found hard was dealing with certain people from back home. I realized that I had some friends who were great - they still sent me e-mails, or snail mail, or even visited me in Japan. But I also realized I had a group of friends who only cared about me if I could spend actual time with them. This was quite hard. They were also the ones who were most enthusiastic when I announced I was returning. When I got back they saw me once, and they weren't interested in hearing about Japan. Their world was Canada, my trip was a weird abberration. It's not that they were bad people, it's just that they were treating my life (3 years changing, growing and learning in Japan) as a mere trip, and that hurts, because if you stay long enough in any country it becomes part of you. I've talked to other ex-pats, and many of them have had a similar experiences with people back home. So be prepared for that. Encourage him to keep in touch with the ones who do reach out.

Your boyfriend will probably compare Russia to the US a lot - be interested. Ask them how they do whatever thing he mentions in Russia. When I mentioned to my Japanese friends that Canada was different in such and such a way, it made me feel like they cared about me when they asked about it and wanted to understand. I don't think we realize how much of us is made up by our culture until we're out of it. I think we don't mention it much in our own countries because we generally share similar values - but when we're out of it we realize that culture is a big chunk of our identity, and we want people to CARE about our culture because it shows they care about us. If I knew people cared, I didn't feel like I needed to defend my culture so much, because it would always be respected and people wouldn't just ignore it. Then I could be more open about getting into Japanese culture.

Before you edited your post you wrote about his father. I think this is the hardest situation, and not one I can help much with. But I would really encourage you to get him to write, or call, or do something to keep in contact. I can't remember exactly what you said, but I did get the impression that his dad could fall off the face of the planet if your fiance didn't make the effort. My parents wouldn't ever call me if I didn't talk to them, so I try to Skype them once a week, or at least leave a message. When I got back from Japan, my mother complained that I never called her enough. Again, some people just don't bother if you're not physically there. If his dad is one of those, make sure your SO reaches out.

Phew, sorry this is so long. So in short, ex-pat community, some food, support him if and when some friends drop away, and get him to keep in touch with his dad. I guess I would add patience to that. Good luck, I wish you guys the best!

[lucybelle]

When my SO moved to me he had more of a hard time than when I moved to him. Is this your fiance's first time out of the country? Is it his first time to the USA? Has he lived abroad before? Does he speak English well? Does he have a job lined up?

All of this can change how he will react. When my SO moved to the US he was incredibly homesick. So much so he told me he never wanted to leave his home country again. But it was also his first time a) away from home, b) in the USA, c) living away from his family, so it was tough for him. He didn't have a job, even though I got him set up with a volunteer position AND found him an English learning group. I think after 3 or 4 months he started coming around, and now he even says he wants to move permanently to the US! What a change of heart!

When I moved here I also didn't have a job, but I had lived in Costa Rica before, so I knew what I was up for. Still, the first few days were REALLY hard for me. I'm talking like crying all day, not wanting to eat, serious depression stuff. This had never happened to me before (been away from my family/hometown for up to a year at a time) and I think the reason it happened was because I felt like this was a permanent move. I felt like I would no longer be going home to stay, it'd only be for a visit twice a year. And it really made me sad. During those days I just wanted someone I could cry to.

After that, it was more like an awful boredom. I didn't have a job, didn't have any friends, didn't have anything to do all day. So all I did was sit at home and do the dishes. I felt like a housewife and it was my goddam nightmare. So I took initiative. I got a dog, found a volunteer position and then a job (after 6 months!), started creating my own group of friends, etc. Make sure he does the same. Don't let him sit around and be miserable forever. He needs to get out and do things and learn things and make the US his new home.

I've been in Costa Rica for about 7ish months now. I finally have a paying job, I have my own little circle of friends, I bump into people I know on the street, I know where things are in the grocery store, I know the bus system and I think I'm finally really settling in. Because I don't feel as much like an outsider anymore. It's not like I was unhappy until now, but I'm certainly happier living abroad now than I ever have. Costa Rica finally feels like a home to me. Your fiance will get there too. Just know it's going to take TIME.

[SquishyLove]

Hi guys, thanks so much for the extremely thoughtful replies! I'll reply to a few points made here. First, I'll start with his dad. His dad does want to stay in touch, but he's not a big phone-talker, and doesn't know how to use a computer. He left a desktop for his dad that he can eventually use if he wants to take the initiative to sit down and learn to use it (tried to get him to sit with him and learn, but his dad is kind of technophobic). It would be extremely cool to Skype with his dad often, but he's the kind of guy who has to want to do something himself before he'll do it. We did talk with him on the phone yesterday for a little while, which was nice. I think he'll miss my SO, but it'll take some time before he'll miss him enough to take advantage of the technology that would make things easier.

I'll also talk about food. Luckily we're both good cooks and love to spend time making meals together, and a lot of Russian food can be cooked at home. There is a little specialty store that has a few Russian goodies locally, and a deli in Indianapolis, about an hour away from us, which we can hit up when we go up there to visit family from time to time and load up on some things. Also, there are a few sites online we've found where we can get some stuff he likes too. I actually love Russian food myself, the more the better, they really know how to eat there! But I know a few things I really missed in Russia myself, so I want to make it so he can have a taste of home when he wants it, too!

As for travel, he's traveled extensively, far more than I have. He's been to Europe 4 times (bus tours each summer for a few weeks at a time, once a year for 4 years), and Morocco. He doesn't feel fearful about navigating our city by himself, and I know he'll be fine. For now we are without a car, so until we get one he wants to learn to use the public transportation here. In fact, on Monday when I'm out doing some wedding shopping with my mom, he wants to ride the busses around and run some errands. I think it's really cool that he's wanting already to get out there and have some independence. I think he definitely wouldn't feel good just sitting at home all day every day.

As of now, he doesn't have work lined up. He came here in a K-1 fiance visa, not a work visa. We need to wait until he has his status adjusted (after our wedding) to legal permanent resident before he can seek employment. His English is excellent, and he's very employable with his work experience and credentials. His dad is providing him with some financial support until he finds a job, so the burden isn't lying squarely on me to keep us afloat financially. It could take up to 6 months, depending on how long Immigration takes to process the paperwork (it took all-told about 7.5 months from applying for his visa to getting it - things move slow in the USCIS). But he has never spent any time being unemployed his entire adult life, and I know he's not OK with it for a long period of time.

We have already had a lot of discussions about the things he notices which are different between here and Russia. When I was with him in Russia, we did the same when I noticed differences. I personally love having these conversations with him. His culture is a huge part of who he is, just as mine is a huge part of who I am, and we love sharing and learning about each other's cultures. All day yesterday we were unpacking his stuff together, and of course talking while unpacking, and he told me some observations he's already noticed just in the interactions with people he had in the airports coming here, and of course I am all about listening when he talks about the differences between Russia and America. It's so interesting to me!

I live in a college town (well, small city, population about 80,000) with a lot of international people, although the majority tend to be from Korea, India, Japan, China, and Mexico. There's not a lot of Slavic or Eastern European people here, so there's not what I'd call a huge expat community here. There is a Slavic languages program at the university here, however, and we've discussed the possibility of him finding a little language tutoring side-job there, where he might be able to meet others who speak Russian and people from Russia. He actually doesn't seem all that concerned with meeting other Russians specifically, however, so I won't push the idea unless he really wants it himself. He is on a Russian expats forum online, however. He said it's been helpful to prepare him for some things he'll face here as an immigrant, which is really cool.

Today we'll sit down with bus schedules and maps so he can be prepared for using the transit system here. I'm so excited he's enthusiastic about getting around on his own just on the 2nd day of being here! He has always loved traveling, though, and has traveled a lot already, so I'm not surprised that he's so adventurous.

Thanks again guys for the wonderful replies! I really appreciate it so much, as it gives a lot of good perspective and helps me prepare to help my SO cope with homesickness and stuff he may face as an immigrant.

[lucybelle]

I'm glad things are going well for you two! The one thing I do want to say is be careful about how often you have the "what's different between USA and Russia" talks. It's soooo easy to get caught in the "well in Russia it's like this" and "I miss this about Russia" circle. And while it can be entertaining, it can also be detrimental. If he only focuses on how the two places are different and things he misses from Russia, he'll never enjoy the USA. He needs to find things he likes about the USA, too.

[Tooki]

I'm glad things are going well for you two! The one thing I do want to say is be careful about how often you have the "what's different between USA and Russia" talks. It's soooo easy to get caught in the "well in Russia it's like this" and "I miss this about Russia" circle. And while it can be entertaining, it can also be detrimental. If he only focuses on how the two places are different and things he misses from Russia, he'll never enjoy the USA. He needs to find things he likes about the USA, too.

I had this situation when I went to Estonia for 3.5 months. The trip was long enough that I was feeling like I lived there.

What I can recommend is to try to appreciate the differences. For example, I missed the perks of multiculturalism such as a diverse range of cuisine but I appreciated that Estonia has a strong national identity and culture (which Australia doesn't have).

Also, I know how it is to not make friends. But I'm also a very independent person and having my girl there was enough for me.

[Qman]

Well firstly everyone is different. Maybe your SO will find it easier or harder than most. I lived abroad for 2 years and was with many other foreigners and you'd be surprised how it can affect different people. I didn't get affected by it very much I think due to the internet. I was more connected to the local new/socail lives of my friends when I was 1000s of miles away from them! But on the other hand I have friends who would cry, especially at the start. But even after having been there over a year, break down out of nowhere and cry. So maybe it won't be much of a problem for him..remember home is where the heart it.

An expat community is important. And luckily there should be many Russian expats in the US. Even if he's fluent in English, its always nice to speak in your mother tongue from time to time.

Be supportive of him, but at the same time don't be too supportive. If he's planning on staying with you, then he's either going to have to get used to the US or you Russia. I've had friends who just can't adjust before, but it's usually because they don't put in the effort.

Congrats by the way

[Zephii]

Hey, good on you for taking the initative to understand. You're obviously awesome!
I'm drawing mostly from my experience of moving to Canada with him for this. I was there a year and nine months. For the first six months I was so very unhappy and sank into depression. After that it was bearable, but I still hated it and couldn't wait to leave.

How shocking was the culture shock? It wasn't exactly shocking, it was plain annoying. The whole time I was there I felt out of place, which wasn't helped by people constantly reminding me that I was out of place - especially his family. Just talking was hard, I'm from the bush in Australia, so I use a lot of Australian slang and terms of speech without thinking about it, and shopping was harder. I could never find the ingredients I was looking for because Canada either called it something else, or didn't have it. It was so hard to continue having a healthy lifestyle over there too.

How did you cope with depression of knowing you are far away from home and that it will be maybe a year or two until you can visit again? I struggled. My sister is my best friend, but she's not LDR savvy. She wouldn't make time to skype with me, struggled with the time difference and I didn't have the money to phone her. However, she did make the trip over to visit while I was there and that helped. It wasn't time apart from home that I couldn't VISIT that bothered me, it was time where I wasn't LIVING there that bothered me... and the fact that at that stage Obi swore he'd never live in Oz with me. For me visiting once every year or three would never be enough.

How did your SO react to your homesickness? He felt bad, but he was also a bit of a dick about it. For the longest time he would not discuss our future with me - nor would he answer the questions from his family and friends. They put a huge amount of pressure on me, and he just stood idly by and let me cop it.
At home alone he was supportive, and he gave me lots of love, but he didn't know how to make me feel better, and so didn't really try. My unhappiness really depressed him, he felt guilty for my pain and unworthy of my sacrifices (I'd also given up the chance to go to uni).

I'm trying to coach myself not to take it personally of course, but to just be supportive for my SO. What did your SO do that was helpful for you? What did they possibly do that wasn't so helpful (so I know to avoid doing it myself)? Helpful: He listened to me and hugged me. Not helpful: Instead of trying to find ways to help me get past my depression, he assumed that if I wasn't crying the issue wasn't there. I kept asking him to show me what was go good about his home country (I wanted to know why it was so much better than mine that he could treat me the way he had while he visited Oz and say he'd never return to my country.) I wanted to maybe do some touristy stuff, or something. I wanted to see the natural environment and try to find something I could connect to (I'm pagan) but he said he didn't know where to start and didn't know what we could see/do, so he just didn't try.

So yeah, I really feel it's great you're trying to learn how to make it easier for your SO

My SO and I are now living in my country, so this thread will help me help him too
Right now I'm trying to get him to actually contact his friends and family back home, because he's been very slack with it and I know that can't lead to anything good.

[greensweatergirl]

Your fiance sounds like he's in a really good position to deal with homesickness. He's already doing things for himself, his job prospects are good, he speaks the language, he has a place he can go to and get support, and you like Russian food.

I think he'll be good. Just make sure he gets out every day.

One other thing I thought about was holidays. It was funny, but I found out that I cared about some Canadian holidays (Thanksgiving, Halloween and Christmas) but could care less about others (Valentine's, Easter, Canada Day, Victoria Day). Holidays struck me hard because I was away from family, and again the Japanese had often modified them (Christmas was a big date night for some reason) in ways I found unfamiliar. I think this was when I appreciated the expat community the most - we could hold a horror movie night, or have a pot-luck turkey dinner (turkey eventually being found at Costco) and have the traditions we were used to.

Maybe you could ask your fiance if there are any holidays he wants to celebrate? I don't know how sentimental he is, but there may be some. And if Russia shares any holidays with the US, I'd ask him about Russian traditions that go along with it and do them if he's open to that.

[SquishyLove]

Hey again everyone! Things are still going pretty well a few days in, and yesterday we went on a long walk to the downtown area of our city and I showed him around a little and he really enjoyed himself. We hung out with my mom, stepdad, and sister today and went out to dinner together which was really nice. My stepdad took me and him to get a cell phone for him and he's playing with it now. Your replies are amazingly helpful and insightful, everyone, and I really appreciate it!

Some great news, he talked with his dad on the phone today, and his dad already signed up for some computer classes after he's only been here a few days! So soon, we should be having some Skype chats with his dad I hope!

As far as holidays, they are kind of different. There are of course some holidays they don't do in Russia, or that aren't a big deal there. Also, Christmas is on January 7th (Orthodox Christmas), and is a solemn, religious holiday, while New Year's is the big, gift holiday with the tree, red and green decorations, eating a lot, etc. So that will definitely be different, and we already decided that for us, the tree will stay up for New Year's and me and him will have a nice dinner and exchange gifts (or shop for something we both want together, depends on what we want to do) for New Year's, and then do Dec. 25th Christmas with my family, so we can keep his traditions and mine at the same time. He, like most Russians, is very sentimental about New Year's, and that's the one he is most attached to.

Again, thanks so much everyone for all the insights and points of view about helping my SO assimilate. Today we went on Google Earth and I showed him this area of the city he wants to do some shopping for us at, and explained where bus stops are, and showed him the bus schedule and what he'll need to do. We rode a bus yesterday together as well, so he understands how they work now. And he has a phone now so if he does need help he can call me. I think it's so cool that he already wants to start using the public transportation here and learn to get around independently. I also, of course, worry about him getting lost, but I also understand that I can't completely hold his hand all the time and that he is a big boy (who has done a lot of traveling in foreign countries where he didn't know the native language by the way), and that he needs to do this in order to feel independent. We'll be working on getting a car in the near future, but until that happens he'll need to use public transportation. I'm just so proud of him, he is so awesome!

[SquishyLove]

Well, over a week in now, and he seems to really like my (now our) city! I think he's still in an exploratory headspace and it's still new to him. I'm, on the background, grounding myself to prepare for when the newness wears off, when we're less busy, when things are more settled, for some homesickness to happen. But for now he seems pretty happy and content, and of course excited. I don't ask him about it at all because I know if he feels anything negative I should let him open up on his own terms. So far he's having fun. And living together is awesome! Waking up together every day feels so great. When I get home from work, he's here and we cuddle, have "fun" , eat, and relax together! Before, I was rushing home from work to fire up the laptop and catch him on Skype for a few minutes before he went to bed. Now he greets me at the door with a hug and kiss! It's just completely awesome!

Edited to add: He and I have spent some time together with my mom, stepdad, and sister, and they're all getting along as well! He says he feels comfortable around them and doesn't feel awkward. He's a little shy, but says he doesn't feel uncomfortable. That's so nice!