How do you handle the fear?

[DollOnAMusicBox]

If anyone has been reading my blogs, you may notice that my SO and I are in a very rough position. He and I have been talking about putting serious thought into where this relationship is going and whether we'd just be better off friends.

Part of the problem he is having is the idea of moving here to the states has become very "daunting" (in his own words). He realizes he's giving up his family, his friends, his entire life there. We've discussed closing the distance next year, but with the way his job has gone he doesn't think he'll have the money saved for another 2 years at least. That doesn't even include money to see each other in that time. He doesn't want me to be waiting for him for years and then end up not being able to make the move. Reality is overtaking the dreams. There's nothing I can do to convince him or "sell" moving here other than promise that I won't let him lose his ties to home. Promise we'll visit his family as often as we can.

Me moving there means throwing away my Masters degree plus the $50,000 it took to get it. They don't have ag-ed programs there. Plus my family is all I have and I don't know if I could give that up, myself. Though I admit I have looked at moving there with him. Only to realize I would end up with a low level gardener job and could never be happy with that. So I guess I feel his struggle.

In talking to my father he mentioned that for my SO, moving here would be an even bigger commitment to our relationship than even getting married. Because he'd be putting his trust in me to stay with him. "What would happen if he moved here and 6 months later you broke up?" was how dad put it. And maybe that's what the problem is. Maybe its a "cold feet" sort of feeling. Maybe its all just TOO big.

I guess the question/discussion I'd like to start here is...have any couples had this moment? Did you make it through? Have you closed the distance? Are you still waiting? Is there any hope for me in this situation?

Thanks.

[lyonsgirl]

I realize that you're much farther apart than my SO & I are, but we dealt with something similar. We graduated from college last May, and I made the move to Georgia. We struggled with the idea that if he were to follow me he would leave his family behind-something he's never had to do. Now I've moved to Texas and left him behind in Georgia. But we know that we made the right decision for us.

So, there's hope. Continue to talk to your SO about it, and yes, it is daunting. But have the conversation. Continue to have it. It's something that will need a considerable amount of thought from both of you. Ask your families, but remember that in the end, it is YOUR decision and will be your lives. Not theirs.

I'll keep you & your SO in my thoughts & prayers during this hard time for you both.

[Dauntedpoet]

I guess the question/discussion I'd like to start here is...have any couples had this moment? Did you make it through? Have you closed the distance? Are you still waiting? Is there any hope for me in this situation?

We have had been through exactly what your talking about. Once. Strangely, it happened about a month after a visit that had ended a very long separation. It had been a wonderful visit. We have always been open to moving which ever way is the most logical and easiest, when we get over one more hurdle (another 1-2 years). Suddenly he started talking about why it wouldn't work with him moving here, and he was completely hopeless about me being able to move there. His hopelessness was contagious. All either of us could focus on was the pointlessness. It was so painful. Basically just when I thought it was going to end but I didn't know what to do.. I did what my mother told me to do.."When you really don't know what to do..wait.. do nothing..the answer will come".. After about 2 weeks we both realized that we couldn't live without each other, so no matter how hopeless it felt, we WOULD figure out a way to be together..eventually and started thinking outside the box. Like both of us moving. Or him going back to school here for a couple years then all of us moving there.. ect. Yes we are still together.

Its not an easy thing to KNOW for certain you can't live without someone. I'm lucky that both my SO and I are in our 40's and have been through what we thought was love before. We've also been together and know each other for 14 years. My signature kinda says it all .

[lucybelle]

Look, EVERY couple goes through these things. When my SO moved to me he threw away the job he's been working at for over 10 years to not even have permission to work in the USA. When I moved to my SO I quit my well paying job, it took me 6 months to start working again and I'm getting paid less than half what I made in the states. Plus I have to apply for residency which costs an arm and a leg. And of course each of us missed our families. We are both really close with our families, see them at least once a week, sometimes more. Of course we were scared and nervous about closing the distance. Of course there was always the option of it not working out for whatever reason.

But it was worth the risk. Is it worth the risk to you?

[Sierra]

Of course. While my move isn't as big as the one you are talking about, I'm giving up everything to move to an area I don't know, with people I don't know and leaving my family and life here behind. It's hard. I think about it all the time and just get completely overwhelmed. Just a few days ago I didn't know if I was going to have enough money to make this move happen.

I understand the fear, from both of you. But I do want to say, I personally think it's really unfair to ask someone to do something you're not willing to do yourself. You say he doesn't want to leave his family but neither do you. What makes his bond with his family less than your bond with yours?

Take it day by day, and try to come up with a solution. I don't think life EVER goes the way we plan it to, but it doesn't mean it won't or can't work out.

ETA: I want to add, by saying I'm close with my family, I mean I live down the street from my mom and see her EVERY day, she's always been there for me, bailed me out of all my bad situations, and supports me. I have a job that I hate but it's a great career and I can move around the field here, I'm giving that up to move there. Is it going to be easy? No. Will it be worth it? I don't know, but I'll willing to try because at a certain time an adult has to individuate from their family.

[DollOnAMusicBox]

I appreciate everyone's opinions. Some of you have been able to give me a little hope in light of the situation since sometimes its hard to realize the "normalcy" when you feel like your relationship feels like its in crisis. @lyonsgirl, thank you. I've been praying too.

I guess something that I didn't mention is that before we even started dating he made it very clear that it was his dream to come live in the states. I'd given him a place he wanted to be. So now him being unsure is a huge shock. Bigger than if we'd been unsure about our plan and/or were waiting to set a date. I never meant to come across as saying his bonds are less than mine, it was just the last I knew everybody was ok with this. I meant more that I could empathize with his current feelings.

I know things change and I know people change, and maybe that's where I need to do a little bit of my own growing up. But maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe its wrong to believe that "love is going to get us through this." Because even in this struggle love isn't the question. I just don't know what to do to show him that we can get through this...its a helpless feeling. One where you say stupid things like you're trying to sell the place, and then realize you're not doing anyone any good. Where you start making promises to go home and visit and just sound like a desperate fool. It's like I'm walking on eggshells just waiting for him to figure himself out. Granted there are other issues at the moment, so maybe its just another part of that.

[lucybelle]

I guess something that I didn't mention is that before we even started dating he made it very clear that it was his dream to come live in the states. I'd given him a place he wanted to be. So now him being unsure is a huge shock. Bigger than if we'd been unsure about our plan and/or were waiting to set a date. I never meant to come across as saying his bonds are less than mine, it was just the last I knew everybody was ok with this. I meant more that I could empathize with his current feelings.

So did my SO. Then he moved in with me and HATED it. He told me he never wanted to leave his home country again. And at the time, I couldn't see myself settling down in Costa Rica. But I came anyways. Because I'd rather be with him ANYWHERE than be without him in my home town.