The distance was never going to last - now a change of plans leaves me 3 options

[Jennylady]

We didn't start out as an LDR but now we are. We were together 19 months before I moved to London at the end of January this year.

I am currently on my gap year in London (my home is in South Africa and so is his) and to my joyous surprise my boyfriend wanted to stay together this year with an LDR. He has decided he wants to move to California, USA next year because of a job opportunity but he doesn't want to go without me.

We were together for 19 months in South Africa but my gap year in London meant the start of us as a Long Distance Relationship. Although over the moon that he wanted to stay together this year (he's coming to visit in summer) I was surprised as I didn't think he would want to try something that from the offset would be hard.

My plan has always been to come back at the end of this year and then go to university (our academic years starts February) and its one that my Mom, although *I've* chosen to take this route, would be less than impressed if I didn't go to university next year.

I am 18 and my boyfriend is 20. He is insanely smart and ambitious but he doesn't share his trust and vulnerabilities with very many people. I know that I am important to him and he is very important to me.

But my future is more important to me. No-one can say how us immigrating to the USA for 2 - 3 years would work but I know we would be good at living together.

I can't bring myself to believe in forever because I'm ONLY 18... But I also feel like we are both very old minds and smarter than your average bear. I don't want to throw away my life for a boy, but I also don't want to throw away a future with him if I have an endless and predominantly happy one.

We've been together 21 months now and known each other a year longer than that. We lost our virginity (safely - condoms during & STD tests beforehand) to each other about 3 months ago. We travel really well together and we love each other.

I don't think he will want to do LDR for another 3 years but I know I am not adverse to the idea. Although I would certainly prefer for us to be together - but I am not sure if I can pick up again and be away from my family and friends in an entirely new country again. Moving to London was a very hard thing to do.

I am not sure what I should tell him - move to California or stay in South Africa when I get back after London.

What do you think I should bring up to discuss and what are your views?

[blankita719]

Unfortunately that's a decision that the two of you will have to make together. Have you discussed the idea of being long distance for another 3 years? You say you don't think he will want to do it, and I would agree that most of us *don't* want to do it, but we do because the person is worth it.

Although I've never done it, I would imagine that moving to another country would be quite a shock to the system, and although you think you would live well together, my opinion would be that it would be more difficult to make that transition when both of you are strangers to the country as well as trying to get used to the idea of living together. Living together is an eye-opening experience.

I am always going to be for some one furthering their education to ensure that they can take care of themselves over leaving it behind for a relationship. If the relationship is meant to be, then he will wait it out and encourage you to work towards your future as well. If you're going to end up together, your education and career skills are only going to benefit the life you would have together. Trust me when I say that being dependent on another person is not the way you want to go.

But you really need to discuss these things with him and figure out what is best for the both of you. Good luck