Disappointed with Closing Distance Plans :(

[fitfilipina]

I guess I should be happy we're planning on closing the distance as it is...but a part of me just can't help but feel disappointed with our plans.

We're 20 and 21, and we've been dating over a year now. We started long distance in the Fall when I transferred from a JC to a university in San Diego. It was supposed to take me two years to get my Bachelor's degree, but with some determination to graduate (mainly so we could close the distance earlier), I'm walking the stage in June. As luck may have it, he's now going to be transferring to a university, which happens to be 2 hours from home.

We've never really talked about closing the distance in detail, since my SO's the kind of guy that feels no need to close the distance. His philosophy is: "We have things we've got to get done first, and if that means we can't be together, so be it." There's nothing wrong with the statement, but now we are in a position where we can do something about it.

It was decided a while ago that I could move to where he was since I'd be done with school, and I didn't mind that at all. I'm flexible in making compromises and adjustments so that we can be together, whether that may be looking for a job or grad school in his area. I know I'd be happy anywhere if I were with him.

So upon receiving his acceptance letter, I began thinking of planning our move-in plans to close our distance. What he was once so gung-ho about, he's apprehensive about now. Now he doesn't want to move in with me, citing that

- "we can never get work done when we're together"
- "I'm not sure I'm ready to make that next step, since moving in probably means settling down and getting married"
- "you're so messy, I don't want to have to take care of you"
- "you're not moving here for me, you're doing this for you"
- "all of my friends that moved in together have to do so much shit just so they can live in the same place"
- "I'm afraid moving in is gonna change our relationship for the worst"
- "my parents would never pay for my girlfriend to live with me"

The last one makes sense -- his parents are going to be paying for his room while he's in college, but I think it's a little shoddy because I know that a) he could convince his parents if he really wanted to b) he's looking for a double room anyway, meaning he'd have to split rent with one other person c) I'd be paying half, saving costs, and d) We all know I'm never going to be at my place, so I'd only be wasting money.

He advised me that things "could" change, but not to get my hopes up and to look for another place to live. He just didn't seem all that excited that I was making this effort to be with him, even going through hoops to gain admission into a grad school out there or a job opportunity out there for him. But he insists that he really is excited for me to be there.

I don't know...I just feel like he didn't really hold his end of the bargain, or is feeling unsure of our relationship, or isn't willing to make any kind of accommodations for me. It's really kind of a let down from a super rough year we've had of long distance, and he knows that.

I don't know what to do...or how to feel... any advice, thoughtful words?

[Zephii]

To me it just seems like he's young and he's scared. Don't let that get you down too far.

I'd be addressing these statements:

- "we can never get work done when we're together" -Tell him you need to learn and as time goes on and you're accustomed to each other you'll move past this. You're both adults and realise each other will need alone time, study time and time with mates. All couples have to learn to not hinder each other in this way. It doesn't need to be a big deal.

- "I'm not sure I'm ready to make that next step, since moving in probably means settling down and getting married" - Woah. It doesn't have to. Plenty of people live together for years before marriage, buying houses, having kids etc. Living with you doesn't need to mean his life is over.

- "you're so messy, I don't want to have to take care of you" - Living with other people is always a little taxing, but you'll both learn. Whether you start now or in ten years, when you live together you go through an adjustment stage. He'll go through that with a room mate too, and he needs to realise that.

- "you're not moving here for me, you're doing this for you" - Sounds like he's just scared of the responsibility of you doing so much for him/ giving up things to be with him. It can be hard for the person who didn't move too.

- "all of my friends that moved in together have to do so much shit just so they can live in the same place" - And most of those friends probably think it's worth it. Love takes effort.

- "I'm afraid moving in is gonna change our relationship for the worst" - Isn't the point of a relationship to actually be together? If he doesn't think the relationship can survive being in the same house, shouldn't he just say goodbye now?

- "my parents would never pay for my girlfriend to live with me" - You'll pay for yourself?


Just talk to him. Let him know you understand but that he's being a little childish. Yes, it is a big step, but it's necessary for the relationship to progress. Ask him what you can do to ease his fears.

[Jazi]

- "I'm not sure I'm ready to make that next step, since moving in probably means settling down and getting married" - Woah. It doesn't have to. Plenty of people live together for years before marriage, buying houses, having kids etc. Living with you doesn't need to mean his life is over.

- "you're not moving here for me, you're doing this for you" - Sounds like he's just scared of the responsibility of you doing so much for him/ giving up things to be with him. It can be hard for the person who didn't move too.

- "all of my friends that moved in together have to do so much shit just so they can live in the same place" - And most of those friends probably think it's worth it. Love takes effort.

- "I'm afraid moving in is gonna change our relationship for the worst" - Isn't the point of a relationship to actually be together? If he doesn't think the relationship can survive being in the same house, shouldn't he just say goodbye now?

Just talk to him. Let him know you understand but that he's being a little childish. Yes, it is a big step, but it's necessary for the relationship to progress. Ask him what you can do to ease his fears.

Completely agree with all of the above. It really does sound like he is making excuses (and poor excuses at that) for not being ready for a serious commitment such as living together, it sounds to me like you two are at different stages and want different things; you want to end the distance and go to the next step of commitment and now that it is really a possibility and not just "some time in the distant future" he has decided he isn't ready for it, maybe he is just comfortable with how it is now? maybe there's more to it than that..

but I definitely think you should talk to him about it, it would be better to know NOW rather than future down the track that his heart wasn't "in it" with his relationship with you.. not to say that is the case, it'd just be better to know where you stand rather than guessing and possibly wasting time if he doesn't want to move to the next stage.

[snow_girl]

While I do agree with what Zephii said, I also think maybe he just isn't ready to move in yet. Moving in with someone can be a big step, and I don't think it means he wants the relationship any less. Yes those excuses are a little lame, but maybe he was afraid to tell you he just isn't ready yet? Sometimes I think I rushed moving in with my SO, we live great together but if we had met coming from the same city I don't think we'd be living together yet.

[LoveL]

He's not ready to have a close-distance, committed relationship yet.

He's making excuses and trying to find someway to get you to accept that, but he may never directly admit it.
Sounds like he has gotten pretty comfortable with when-we-can-find-time-for-each-other girlfriend. That doesn't mean that he doesn't care for you. But, let's be honest, talking when you're free and being there only when you need each other is very different from being around someone 24/7 and knowing that even on shitty days you'll be in the same house with them...

It is a big step to live together. He's not ready for it yet. Don't rush your relationship to a situation that you don't need to be in just because you want to be together. I know that makes it harder and when you're in an LDR there is nothing you want more than to close the gap. But if the relationship itself is not ready, then rushing it would be a mistake.

Also, seeing as how is he still dependent on his parents for housing and such, I don't know that he is really emotionally ready for that move either, your relationship aside. Not saying that getting parental help through school and stuff is a bad thing. But if you're basically still your parent's child, then trying to take larger steps into adulthood and making adult decisions, like living with your SO, is going to be somewhat in contrast to that.

Does he work?

In every situation, there is more to your relationship than any of us will ever know. You know what's going on better than we do, but I think, as you can see, the general consensus is that he just isn't there yet. Boys mature a little slower than girls at your current age.

[Anna N' Luc]

I don't have many comments on his excuses and whether or not they are legitimate or just that, excuses. But I will say this. Before I was in my current LDR, I was in another one. We were together for 2 months and then I moved to USA (he was in Australia). He was planning on moving to USA anyway so we stayed together, did the long distance thing for 10 months until he made the move over. When he moved over, we moved in together straight away, due to needing to save some money. It was a disaster. We only just broke up in December of last year and we still live together and it sucks. I had never lived with anyone else before and he was used to living by himself and I think that moving in together so soon after we started dating is part of why we didn't work (he changed a lot too from when I was with him in Australia to the time he moved here). My advice, don't rush things, if you can both afford to live by yourself or in a room-mate situation with others then that might be the best idea at least until you are absolutly sure you are going to be in it for the long haul. Breaking up is hard but breaking up with someone you live with is hell.

[LeilaniJoi]

I agree he just isn't ready. Guys mature later and that is a huge step.

I don't agree that moving in quickly is always disaster though. I moved in with my guy after a LE of only 4 months and we have lived together a year now and things are great. It does take adjustments but either you are both ready... or you are not. In your case he just isn't ready. Respect that and give him the time he needs to grow into it and you will both be happier in the long run.

[Sierra]

It's really obvious that he's not ready to move in together to me from the things that you've said he said. I wouldn't push the issue. You can close the distance without moving in together and maybe that's a option you need to look into.

One of the worst things you can do is rush a relationship, if you put too much pressure on the relationship or the other person, like anything, it'll crack.

[Anna N' Luc]

I agree he just isn't ready. Guys mature later and that is a huge step.

I don't agree that moving in quickly is always disaster though. I moved in with my guy after a LE of only 4 months and we have lived together a year now and things are great. It does take adjustments but either you are both ready... or you are not. In your case he just isn't ready. Respect that and give him the time he needs to grow into it and you will both be happier in the long run.

I agree, I think the reason that my first LDR failed was because we were both such different people than we had originally thought. There was a 15 year age difference which probably didn't help things (I have nothing against large age differences but the people involved need to compliment each other's personalities and I don't think we did)

[lonelyinlove]

While I do agree that he may not be ready for such a long term commitment, I STILL believe it's unfair of him to have lead you on to closing the distance soon....